One year ago today April 11th 2022 I sat down at this very computer on this very website and wrote "Alcohol my Old Friend". I didn't know it then but only 4 days later my whole world was going to get turned upside down. It will go down in my history as the best, worst, craziest experience of my life. Even though there are memories I wish I could forget and times I wish this never happened, I know now it all happened for a reason. Everything was all divinely guided so I could meet him, and for him to catapult me into everything I've ever avoided. He made me face the person I fear most, myself.
If you've been following me for any length of time than you would know my struggle with anxiety, depression, and alcohol. For me I was using the alcohol to take away the anxiety, depression and the thoughts in my head. A year ago I had fallen back into my old ways, realizing that things were getting worse than they ever had. I remember writing in my journal just begging for a change, a way out. I was tired of doing better, and then falling back.
One night a few days after I had my breakdown I was up late as I always am watching Youtube. I was about to turn on a movie when I seen a video from a creator I followed for years, but hadn't watched in a long time. I clicked on the video and began listening to his update story. After the video was over something in me shifted, I couldn't shake this feeling that I needed to message him. So I decided I would do just that when I woke up in the morning.
I believe this was all divinely guided because if my anxiety hadn't gotten to the point it did in 2018 I wouldn't have been on Youtube watching videos hoping to find someone that related to me. I wouldn't have found this creator, his friend. Whats wild is their content isn't completely related to anxiety, so how it came up I still don't know. They did a video back in 2020 which is when I first saw him, he was going through somethings at the time but I chose not to reach-out then. I left a comment on the video and that was all until I seen the update video.
That next morning I had begun working and remembered I was going to send that message. This was all way out of my comfort zone, and I ultimately had it in my head that the message would go unseen. Even if he did see it there was no way he would message me back right? For once I didn't let my insecurities get the better of me and I sent the message. His story isn't mine to tell, but while the details of our stories were different we had a lot of similarities. We were both going through a hard time and just looking for a friend, someone that understood, someone to lean on. To my surprise I recieved a message back a few minutes, and well the rest is history.
At first we were strictly friends, but I could feel myself catching feelings even though I was trying to deny it. I hadn't been in a relationship in many years and love was just something that I had given up on. I should also mention we were at a distance which is also something I'd never dealt with. Somehow he broke through all my walls and I began falling head over heels in love. It all felt like a dream, as if I was living in my own romantic novel. The more we got to know each other the more we realized we had in common, we simply understood each other and for me it was a way no one ever had. Every phone call and every message brought me out of this darkness that I had been trapped in for so many years.
He got me to laugh over the silliest things, his voice had this way of making me feel safe. One day when I was out of town for a concert I had a panic attack and you called to talk me through it. Having dealt with anxiety and panic himself he understood exactly what I was going through. Our reasoning for dealing with this are vastly different but having that level of understanding meant more than anything to me. I didn't think there was anyway I could possibly love him more, but that moment made it possible.
As with every romantic novel there is always some sort of turmoil, and as fate would have it things came crashing down. The quote "If you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you." This was the exact case for me. As things began getting more serious the insecurities and trust issues from my last relationship bled through. I began lashing out and accusing him of everything my ex had done, without being given a reason too. He wasn't perfect either, he had insecurities and baggage of his own.
We got through all of that the best we could, but when it came to finally meeting in person it didn't happen. In the end there was someone from his past that still had his heart, and that lead to the demise. I was devastated and angry to say the least. In my eyes history was repeating itself with my ex. All the insecurities and trust issues being brought to the forefront stronger than ever. I thought why come into my life at all if this was going to be the outcome. Why take me out of a darkness, only to throw me back in deeper than I was before. I couldn't see it then but it was going to be my greatest blessing.
You remember in the beginning how I said I had to face the person I feared most, myself? Well, this breakup catapulted me into that very quickly. I began drinking heavier than I had in a long time to deal with the pain. I began questioning what did I do to make him not love me, what could I have done different to make him stay. The list goes on, but these were all things I did in the past. I thought well maybe if I do this he will see my love for him, see my worth and come back to me. In the past I tried to hold on so tightly even if that person was showing me they didn't care. I wanted love and acceptance so badly that I would devalue myself just to have whatever I could get.
At first I was repeating past mistakes, I was trying to hold onto anything I could. Hoping that eventually he would come back to me, but I finally realized it just wasn't going to happen. I knew in my heart that the only true way to heal was let him go. No matter how hard you try, how valuable and great you may think are you can never make someone love you. I also see that I need to love and accept myself, something I've never done. To face all the demons and trauma I've been running from and finally heal it once and for all. I think in the back of my mind I've always known this, but it took meeting him and going through this to forcefully make me do it.
Some may ask themselves how can you feel deeply for someone you never physically met, and the only answer I can give is this:
Getting to know someone on a strictly emotional level is something that so many of us never get to do. When you get to know someone before you've ever touched them you get to know the deepest parts of them. You're not clouded by all the phycial parts of the relationship, and are able to turly get to know eachother on a higher level. While physically meeting can make or break any connection I would never take back getting to know someone this way, even if I knew the ending.
Even if he didn't feel the same, in my heart he will always be my greatest love. He saved me, and brought me back to myself. I know my life will never be the same knowing that someone out there like him exists. No matter where my life goes, who I meet next, a piece of my heart will always be with him, and I will carry him in my heart forever.
I wish you all the best, and all the happiness. Maybe we will meet sooner in the next life <3
"Somebody save me, me from myself
I've spent so long living in Hell
They say my lifestyle is bad for my health
It's the only thing that seems to help." - Save Me by Jellyroll
About the Creator
I am a very creative person. I love reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and shows. Writing has always been a way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I'm excited to write some of my stories here on Vocal.