Breaking Away from the Pain

I fell in love with my soulmate after feeling safe when hearing the sound of his voice over the phone and feeling his arms holding me. I always felt safe with him and loved by him when his fingers would brush through my hair, the sound of his laughter was like music to my ears, his soft touch, and easily keeping up with being intimate with me. Men usually can’t keep going but my soulmate definitely continues on with the different positions of intimacy. He supported my business by paying someone to design my business logo. He was very positive and verbally helpful toward me with my business. He was messaging me and calling me throughout the day when we were not together unless he was with his ex girlfriend. I always felt weird during those days because he acted weird during those days.

It's not easy for me to feel safe in relationships. I’ve never felt safe with my family, especially not in the presence of my father. My father has been very emotionally and mentally abusive of me for as long as I can remember. Every day when he would come home everyone else was excited to see him come back from work except for me. I didn’t understand why I felt that way for a while. My body was warning me about him.

My father tries to gain control over people and lately that hasn’t been working on me. I have noticed the same kind of signs of behavior between my father and my ex husband. My father tries to convince me of something that I feel in my bones and soul is not true. When that doesn’t work, he tries to gaslight me. When that doesn’t work, he pretends that everything is ok when it's not ok. He knows I’m not ok with him so when we are surrounded by people he tries to push his presence near me and acts affectionate with the firm touch of his hands, rather than the soft feeling touch he used to be affectionate with. My response to that is pulling away from him. Everyone notices that I am not ok with him. No one asks or talks about it when I am around. My guess is my family gossips about the way I act around him and it's probably his word against my actions. I have noticed that the more I level up in my life the further apart I am from this family. I am ok with that but it's hard right now as I currently live under my parents roof. I am literally surrounded by people who are not supportive of WHO I AM.

From experience I know that explaining to my parents what my desires are would just give them the opportunity to push me down. They say they want me to be happy and they try to break me to be open with them. In the past I have been a little open with them about the things I wanted to do. They let me down by trying to crush my dreams. They said I could only make money by doing something I absolutely cannot stand because that’s the lifestyle my father felt stuck with. That’s the money we can count on. He says that from his experience he knows that life just knocks you down, you can’t trust anyone, you have to settle with working for that paycheck even though your soul feels like it's dying.

Now my response is to not tell anyone in my family what I am up to because they energetically crush me and drain me. I have learned that I have to follow through with my passions in private. I have to protect myself from my family.

Sometimes your family really isn’t your family. Sometimes they are just blood. I have come to realize that I do not have a family. I was meant to live the experiences with this family, unlearn everything they taught me, heal from all the pain they caused me, and to be a leader. To express myself and be an example of what a happy and magickal life can look like.

It really hurt me when my soulmate decided to flat out ignore me then cheat on me with his manipulative ex girlfriend. That hurt me because for the first time I trusted a man. He had me feeling like I could completely trust him, that he would never hurt me. He cheated on me because he felt very depressed after people had been knocking him down, so he walked towards someone else who holds a depressing insecure manipulative frequency level. Energy doesn’t lie. He wasn't feeling well and energetically matched with her, left me behind after I realized I had fallen in love with him.

It was that weekend I realized I had fallen in love with him. I never cared about someone like that before. My body felt absolutely terrified that something bad happened to him because he turned off his cell phone pretty much all weekend. People had been knocking him down so he decided to turn the world off. That was the same weekend he chose to ignore that I was worried about him and then cheat on me with his ex girlfriend. Ever since then I have been dreaming of all the men who miss treated me emotionally and mentally, as well as neglecting me. That’s what happens when you are struggling. Your subconscious is working through stuff while you’re asleep and sometimes it's important to continue to release the pain after waking up. Journal about your dream with all the details that come to you. Sometimes it takes just writing it down to release what has been hurting you, though sometimes it takes burning that paper you wrote on, or ripping that paper in pieces, and saying out loud that you’re releasing that belief that holds that dream (emotion and thought that built that dream up in the first place) together. You don’t have to let those dreams take over your life. Those dreams show up to help you see what you need to let go of. Those dreams are actually gifts. Don’t shove those dreams in a corner, work through the dreams to release them.

I wasn’t supposed to be attached to my soulmate the way that I was. The attachment I felt towards him was not healthy. I wanted to be with him rather than figure out how to lift myself up. I was distracting myself with him and away from my karmic situation with my family. I was just enjoying what I never experienced before. Safety, love, care, adventure, and someone who turned out to be my best friend. I felt like I could talk with him about anything and nothing.

But by being attached to my soulmate I was doing what my parents do with each other, which I have never wanted to do. I did feel codependent with him. I wanted to take care of him all the time and wanted to soak up everything he was offering until he ran off with his ex girlfriend.

Relationships are not supposed to be codependent, relationships are supposed to grow. That only happens when you, as individual, grow.

I learned that I needed to feel safe in my own presence and to love myself unconditionally. By doing that I need to follow through with all that I feel passionate about. It's not my soulmate's job to fill in that void for me, it's my responsibility to take care of myself.