A Discourse on Pizza, or 10 Things About Me

This is written as a part of Kayleigh’s Get to Know Me series.

So, I despise writing about myself (shit, that should have been point number one), and that means this will probably have no polish to it. By the time we get done together, it’s going to resemble regurgitated alphabet soup garnished with hot takes and bad puns. Get ready. But hey, there’s a challenge and a prize at the bottom for anyone who makes it there!

I had the honor to be interviewed by Lamar Wiggins recently (Bumper!), so I’m going to shy away from most topics of substance that we discussed. I strongly recommend you all give it a read below:

And here…we…go! (did I mention there's a prize at the bottom?)

1. I promised a discourse on pizza, and here it is. True Chicago-style pizza is not deep dish. I know, I know, you’re probably hammering away into google right now, looking at pictures of Giordano’s or Gino’s, and thinking I’m insane (jury is still out on that). I love deep dish! We order it when guests come into town. It’s delicious. But it’s the food of tourists and not the masses. Real Chicago pizza is tavern-style. Thin crust, square cut, a healthy mix of cheese and sauce, preferably with one topping (unless it’s onion, peppers, and sausage), that’s what the people are craving after they stumble down Clark or Damen. I will die on this hill. Also, New York Pizza is overrated. I did not say bad, so put down the pitchfork, just overrated.

2. My dog is a refugee.

This is Bob. I adopted him from Qatar after a police officer found him wandering around the streets. His loving foster was British and affectionately named him Bobbie after said officer. He is a certified good boy who loves long walks and comfy naps. He runs the house and likes to huff at any minor inconvenience to him.

3. I abhor The Great Gatsby. I hated it in High School, and I hated it (albeit slightly less) when I reread it this year. Look, I’m not here to debate its importance or quality. I get it; it’s impactful, it’s solid, and it checks all the boxes at a time when literature was in the Wild West. It’s not in my bottom three for this year, so take a bow F. Scott Fitzgerald, you won literature! I have three key gripes with this book, none of which is really the author's fault:

• Green is not a goddamn theme; it’s a motif. Greed and envy aren’t even themes; they’re still motifs. To be a theme, you need to supply commentary to the motif. I argued ad nauseam in my sophomore English class on this topic, and it annoys me to this day. I was a great student when I wanted to be, which was not often, but it irks me I had to actually argue this point.
• Every character is despicable. This is intentional, so again, put your pitchfork down, but I find it boringggggg. It's also important to point 3.
• In the 98 years since it was published, there have been a million iterations of stories that are solid, impactful iterations of the same general story. Why are we still teaching this same content?!? (places soapbox on the ground) This is why kids don’t read anymore! Have them go watch Succession or something. Teach them things they can relate to! Those are the books that stuck with me, not classics for classics' sake.

4. My five favorite books of all time, in order, are The Lord of the Rings, 1984, A Storm of Swords, Abaddon’s Gate, and Hyperion.

5. My favorite movie is The Prestige, followed closely by The Two Towers.

6. The novel The Prestige is currently sitting in my bottom two books for this year. Expect a full analysis by year's end.

7. My favorite city in the world is Paris. You can read some of my musings on it here, here, and here. I dream about going back on a weekly basis.

8. I wish everyone would join the Vocal Discord. It’s a fun place to discuss and showcase work, plus it’s how I’ve gotten to know most of the wonderful people on here. Trying to survive in a vacuum is a losing battle for astronauts and authors alike.

9. This one might be pitchfork-worthy, but, in my humble and very informed opinion, the most egregious mistake made in Peter Jackson’s masterpiece of a trilogy (see above, The Two Towers is my second favorite movie of all time) is doing Denethor, Faramir, and really all of Gondor dirty. The most interesting emotional payoffs in the entire series and the most complex geopolitics are whittled to nothing. If it weren’t for the performances of John Noble and David Wenham, those characters would have been absolutely wasted. The same goes for Boromir’s characters, but Sean Bean’s performance is so stellar that he manages to ooze in the details the script left out.

10. Finally, it’s now my turn to lay down a challenge. I've been waiting to unleash this for a long time....

Congrats, you’ve made it this far! For this challenge, I will be paying out $15 for the first-place winner and a top story nomination, and $5 and a top story nomination for the second-place winner. I’ll post a breakdown and my grading critique after the fact. What’s the prompt, you say? Well, it’s time to bust out those swords and shields, staffs and bows, wands and spells. The criteria will be the following:

• In 500 words or less, I want you to weave me your best High Fantasy story. The author’s notes will not be considered in the word count. I will use Google Docs Word Counter.
• To enter, your story must be added to this post in a comment, or tagged on the discord story showcase with the hashtag #highfantasychallenge.
• You must link this post at the bottom of your submission (don’t be greedy; spread the opportunity).
• To decide the winner, I will be awarding scores out of ten in the following criteria: plot, characters, conflict, theme, setting, prose, tone, quality, impact, and enjoyment for an aggregate score out of 100. Tie breaker is then the higher score in the following descending category order: Quality, enjoyment, impact, theme, plot, characters, setting, conflict, tone, and prose.
• To get ahead of the “what if we’re tied across the board” question, no book I’ve ever read has received a perfect score. There won’t be a tie.
• Must be an authentic work; any AI-generated content will be promptly reported.
• Awards will be sent via tip, so must have stripe enabled.
• Submission deadline is 10/1
• There are no limits on submissions

Good Luck Friends!

You can read all of my works here: