XOXO Part 3- One Day At A Time

“One day at a time.” I have heard that saying so many times studying substance abuse through college; heard it a lot in a court program that I was forced into at the age of 21 (I had a few rough teenage years but thankfully I was able to erase that part of my life; this, however, I couldn’t be so lucky). They speak of taking one day at a time because the pull of addiction is so strong that even making it through the day is an accomplishment.

In all my years of experience with the phrase, I have never lived by it the way that I do now; rather taking “one day at a time” and replacing it with a much more accurate “one moment at a time.” Research finds that emotionally toxic relationships; specifically Narcissistic abuse, are believed to have the same physiological effects as heroin addiction. Therefore insinuating that the final implosion of the relationship will ultimately result in severe psychological and physical discomfort.

What is even weirder is that it is almost as though you have become starved for literal human decency; you hang on to every non-criticism or snide and subtle insult like it is the last meal you’ll get for days and really; it’s because you never really know when you’ll get that approval again from the only person you’ve centered your life around. Even a simple compliment can feel like what I assume would be a “fix,” it’s the only dynamic I have found yet in life that can bring so much discomfort and comfort all at the same time. Almost as though you are inches away from safety but can’t quite make it there; you just teeter on the edge of sanity until you find yourself once again stonewalled by the person who is supposed to keep your heart safe.

There is a crazy disconnect between logical understanding that a behavior is toxic for you, inappropriate, wrong, or unwelcome, and the heart’s ability to say “fuck it; it’s fine, it’s really fucked up but it’s fine.” I mean, I have thought that with the world burning around me; knowing that an action was uncalled for and sometimes downright cruel but for some reason; my body has needed that appeasement for survival. We could be in a drag-out fight, over something that could shake up or even break up the strongest marriage; and although the argument would start and I would maintain such conviction it never took long for my resolve to dissolve as fast as sugar in hot water.

It always surprised me; how the fuck could I let this go? Easy. After about 2 days of arguing not about my unwillingness to accept his apology but rather his inability to even give me that. By day 2 or 3, half the time I had no idea how it even started; everything would be swimming around in my head like a messed up puzzle I could never seem to quite put together. I knew the pieces were there, I knew what the picture was, but it never would fit together enough for me to be right.

First of all, how crazy is it that someone could fight you for two days about whether you deserved an apology for a litany of lies; betrayal, or even just downright hurtful behavior? How crazy is it that I played along, a willing participant to the bullshit? Most would walk away, but walking away was never really optional; if I tried exiting the argument and would lock myself in our room & it would take less than 5 minutes usually before I heard the key he kept hidden to pick the lock just in time to walk in right as my breathing would begin to slow down, never really say anything; his presence at the time depending on the argument would be more than enough to get my heart rate jacked right back up where it started and out the window went all of the “talking down” I had been able to muster up. Sometimes, I could keep my mouth shut long enough for him to walk back out (only to return shortly later, once again as I began to calm myself down).

Outside looking in, it was yet another way in which he would make a point to get me all worked up and upset; and in the instances where I couldn’t talk myself back down or his short but snide comment or remark as he entered the room I could literally feel my blood run hot and then there I’d go, defending myself helplessly for what? “I am sorry I hurt your feelings?” “I am sorry I lie to your face with zero remorse and then make jokes about the thing that I did that was hurtful at your expense later?” Why would I even feel the need to defend myself? What did I do aside from demand the same basic respect I would give him? Why was I so undeserving of an apology?

The real question is; how someone that hates confrontation could manage to argue for days, weeks, and sometimes months (with your basic love-bombing, devaluing pattern that is oh so typical when reading a textbook but in the shoes of the devalued it is a slow progression that you may never even notice happening) and then after all that fighting for validation for pain that someone else has caused; all while causing even more pain. The pain doesn’t feel real unless it’s validated; much like most of the past 7 years I constantly question what really unfolded because I can’t tell where one argument ended and another begins. You find yourself questioning reality; did that happen? Wait, he said that he didn’t do that; maybe I am over-reacting; okay maybe it was a one-time thing, there’s no way he’d do that to me again; maybe I am just stressed and tired and should just let it go.

Eventually, all the excuses he’d used flash through my mind, and each blip of a scenario feels like a literal punch to the stomach; and all while they’re fighting you for feeling any sort of way that was unacceptable to them you are trying to justify why they hurt you; only to just let it fade into a slow meaningless conversation that slowly transforms into a normal conversation until they throw you into the ring again or you throw yourself back in by any action that is unsuitable to them; having opposite opinions, beliefs, or needs; or simply just because they are bored.

Sensory overload takes over faster than you realize and soon enough they’ve found ways to poke holes in any argument you make stating your case because your emotions are haywire and somehow; cold and calculated in composure they are able to stand by and watch you inch further and further from sanity. In the end, throwing things; breaking things, getting so angry I’d say the nastiest things to the person I loved the most in the world; my desperate appeal to show seriousness (that never mattered, ultimatums never really work no matter how serious you sound) only for them to stand there staring at you like your the great white Buffalo that just insulted and hurt the innocent bystander to your rage. I don’t even know how to articulate the rabbit hole, but that’s exactly what it is. And just like being incarcerated and in the hole; your sanity is up for grabs.

What still just makes me want to crawl out of my skin is how easy it is to fall back down the rabbit hole; whether it be a nice gesture, or even simply human decency; that automatically means that you're still in the game and they can pick up right where they left off. There’s no “cooling off” period once you're devalued. You may fight for 3 days for an apology but rather than getting one, you end up breaking your things, losing sleep, becoming more confused and one would think that after a 3-day fight over whether or not it’s okay to lie about money, women, or his inappropriate activities there would be some peace; a period of homeostasis. Not always a case, in fact; you can be betrayed before breakfast, forget about it by lunch, and completely belittled all through dinner but still be expected to cuddle before bed. I mean, it’s the kind of mental mind-fuck you hear about but don’t believe exist. It’s emotional terrorism and the worst kind because it is 110% homegrown.

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