XOXO Part 2: The White Picket Fence Wasn't So White

The feelings of anger have slowly begun to decrease; I guess. Or at least I think so until I am so unnerved it takes an hour to lessen the shaking. My mind continuously plays back in increments the twisted and dark attraction between us. Anger so large that before this, I couldn’t fathom empathizing with. I’ve loved this man for shit; almost 17 years.

He’s seen me at my worst and in some of my darkest days but he forgave my past and more than that for the first time I felt like I could hide the shitty person I was in my teens and not feel judged. I hated myself for who I was and there was someone who knew my darkest regrets and soothed my fears of being inherently a terrible person. Aside from making me feel like I was worth it to someone who bonded me to him tighter; I yearned for the loyalty and I wanted the chance to show everyone I once knew.

The feelings were intense; the chemistry undeniable; opposites attract is what they say and in this story; they did not disappoint. He was my first anything; my first real date, my first serious grounding, the one I lost my virginity to, my first heartbreak, the person I saw myself standing by in 80 years after 1000 more firsts together.

Although we split for a few years while he wandered off to Colorado to reinvent himself; I stayed here and had a son with my second serious boyfriend and my daughter a few years later. After my daughter was born, I decided to look him up on Facebook, and within minutes I was drawn back in with a simple “Gorgeous as ever.” response. He was living out of state but within a few months, he was on a Greyhound bus to finally choose me.

I was the “other woman” throughout our off periods; as he was “the other man” in the same sense. We were soulmates. Destined to be together, regardless of the damage we created for others. Stupid kids. My daughter was young when he arrived; less than 3 months old. He was so excited to meet her and I was ready for the “white-picket-fence” fantasy to come true. I was so sure that we were soulmates. He gave me a feeling I had never felt before and no other feeling compared.

How does something beautiful like that turn so dark? I don’t remember the first fight we had. I feel like most married couples probably remember their first real fight because it should be a pivotal moment in a marriage. To me, true love wouldn’t have constant arguing or the amount of anger that can say irreversible things and do them. I have tried to remember the first fight for numerous reasons. First, to remember how and when this started and then to understand what happened. Now, that second goal is a little impossible; nothing happened during that fight in particular that cursed us.

It was the beginning of a dark side reincarnation of our love that I think will forever crush my heart. Even writing this makes me nauseated. My heart is forever changed and most of all; my worldview and propensity to love. I know this blog will help me process through my experiences and out of that I hope that I can be the person for someone who helps them understand that they ARE enough; it was not you.

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