Working Through Toxic Traumas In A Relationship

Being in a relationship can be difficult.

Being in a relationship where you both are fundamentally flawed, yet trying to grow is a bitter-sweet thing.

It's great having someone who is supporting you through your own personal journey as you're battling your demons. But that means being able to support them as they work through theirs.

This is a different dynamic for me than I have dealt with before. I am used to being in toxic relationships where I needed to get out, and it took me way too long to do so. So I always come out with even more baggage than necessary.

But being in a toxic relationship where we both acknowledge our flaws, and are both actively working on them, is it toxic then? Are we doing the right thing? It's hard to tell.

I am struggling with trust. I let myself get fucked over so deeply in my last 5 year relationship that now I have a hard time believing anything you're telling me. I create stories in my head to fit old narratives of past relationships assuming that they are truth. I battle myself every day having to challenge those thoughts.

I find myself constantly looking for ways your being suspect because at this point it's easier for me to believe that your lying about things than it is to trust that you're being honest.

It is more comfortable for me to be in this space because then I am not fully giving myself over to you so there is less of my heart you can break if things go bad.

I know it's not healthy and that is why I battle myself every day to pull myself out of this thinking. Some days are easier than others though. I notice when it's happening, but sometimes it just takes over. I want to trust you, you are showing me no reason not to trust you... So why is it so hard to not slip back into those thinking errors? I can be fine one second, and the next I feel cold and shut off from you again. And all you are trying to do is be close to me, it's really fucked.

You told me you're gonna break my wall down, but the harder you try and love me, the more it goes up. This wasn't the case until I realized your attachment level. Things were good until then. Now I am questioning what is making me act so repelled by it. I know it isn't a healthy one, but I also realize there is some deep trauma internally that it is triggering.

Your attachment style is well, super attached. Borderline clingy. Not even borderline if I'm being honest. And that comes from past traumas. I recognize it all too well because I was the same way. It's unhealthy, and I try to be patient as you're working through accepting it, but it triggers my past traumas, and suddenly it makes a wall go up, and I begin to shut down and push you away.

But I don't want that because I know you recognize it and are working on it. It's so damn hard to put this wall down once it is up though.

And suddenly I find myself feeling distant, and I am unsure how to fix it.

Because we both want this, we are both working to be better every day, but this damn wall inside me has been built brick by brick, by different men, and it runs long and tall, and now I'm struggling to find the way around it.

I don't feel the closeness I once did toward you. Yet, I recognize it's not your fault but mine. For staying where I knew I should have gotten away from a long time ago.

I guess I will have to take it apart one brick at a time.