What Weight, When?

Loads of people write loads of stuff about being fat. I saw a question on Quora: "Why do people let themselves get obese?" I didn't answer it because questions like that make me mad. I want to write loads of aggressive stuff to people like that, people who don't understand about weight gain.

I want to point out I am writing my truth here. It might not be your truth. It might be something like your truth. But I need to say my thoughts about obesity.

I keep my scales in the wardrobe because I can't get obsessive about them. Or I don't get obsessive about them. If they are on the bathroom floor, I am on them more than once daily. It makes me angry and anxious, so things are safer if they are up there.

Was I a fat kid? Nope, not at all. When I was nine years old, I weighed 75 lbs. I was tall for my age, too. But my tummy started to round out as I got older, about 13. My mother, a midwife, said I looked three months pregnant. She was always on a diet, so I went on a diet with her. I probably weighed 125–130 lbs and was 5'7" tall. I had hit puberty, so I had a little round tummy. Not fat at all.

That's where the war on weight began. I am trying to remember if I lost weight on that diet, but whatever, it began my yo-yo dieting. I tried loads of different diets. I left home when I was 17, I wasn't allowed to finish my education because I had a boyfriend at school, so I left home and stuck with the school.

I was fortunate because I live in the UK; we had a social security system that paid my rent and gave me a small allowance. Then I could eat as much as I wanted and went up to 188 lbs quickly.

While I was at college, I briefly got down to 150 lbs, but it was short-lived. I soon put the pounds back on and stayed at the 180lbs for a few years. I married when I was 24 and had my daughter, age 25.

When I was eight months pregnant, I was 248 lbs, although I got that down to 210 lbs. But the post-natal or post-partum depression struck hard, and my husband and I moved from a flat to a house.

We rented our flat out to a friend of a friend. He was very into psychology, so my husband encouraged us to spend time together. We got too close emotionally, and he liked to see me eat. I had been on a very low-calorie diet, but I gave up on it. It wasn't easy! Less than 500 calories a day. I do think it messed up my metabolic system.

So, the "other guy" encouraged me to eat, which I was more than willing to do. Before too long, I was 266 lbs, then even more. We were an item for a few months, and I was going to leave my husband. But then, I didn't. The other guy and I split up. I returned with my husband, although our marriage was always pretty dreadful.

We returned to our flat since the other guy had moved out, and we tried again. But a few negative things all happened at once; I argued with my mother (we weren't speaking), my husband worked 12 hour-plus days, so we didn't see much of him, the other guy denied our relationship, and my best friend went traveling, around the world. It was like everyone abandoned me.

But I had my old friend, food!

Especially sugar. Sugar was my very best friend.

I confess I was like an alcoholic. Instead of whiskey or rum, it was Black Magic (dark chocolates) and Milk Tray (milk chocolates). I used to go to different shops, so people didn't know how much I was buying. They could have always checked my waistline, of course!

Every day, I would go and buy boxes of chocolates. And eat them. I don't even understand why the boxes of chocolates were so important, but at the time, that is what I was into. And at that point, I put on 112 lbs. Yes, I know it's dreadful. That takes me up to around 378 lbs. It got even higher than that; my heaviest ever was 395. But at that time, I was 380lbs, more or less.

That was in 1996. I have lost some and gained, fluctuating year on year ever since. The lowest I have got is around 318 lbs. Last year I got down to 322 lbs. Now I am about 350 lbs.

I want to lose weight; I do. I have tried so many diets. I have tried weight watchers, slimming world, keto, and intermittent fasting. My problem is this — I believe natural foods such as fruit and vegetables are good for me. I honestly do. But I am definitely addicted to sugar. I may also be addicted to carbohydrates. Is that even possible?

I feel better when I stick to a keto diet. But it doesn't make sense to me to not eat fruit. I know fruit doesn't trigger my sugar addiction. Vegetables, even high-carbohydrate vegetables, are great — they fill me up and make me productive.

I want to do a diet where I can freely eat fruit and vegetables, not sugar, and not processed food. I am sure I would lose weight. But whenever I get depressed, I turn to sugar. It's frustrating. Some part of me still believes that sugar is my friend. In my head, I know it isn't, but part of me thinks it is.

So, I will start talking about my battles with food and weight here. I want to do that if I can inspire or help anyone with my story. I want to make people realize we aren't fat because we are lazy or sit and eat all day mindlessly.

I also like to walk and dance. I wear a Fitbit so I can track my steps. I aim to walk 10,000 steps daily — it doesn't often happen. But perhaps by talking to you all about what I am doing, I can improve my diet bit by bit and even my exercise regimen.

It's scary doing this. It's terrifying sharing all this with you guys. I am still going to hit publish.

I published this in 2019 on Medium.com. I am in the process of sharing my content and changing the (rather bad) writing to something I hope is much better! And yes, I am still overweight. But I am better at accepting myself now, which feels great.