What I Have Learned Since I Got More Of My Independence Back.

If you had met me in the very early 1990s, you wouldn't have recognised me today. Those were chaotic times when trauma took a huge toll on me, and I did not know what the freedom of independence felt like.

I attached easily to the wrong people, even when I knew they were wrong for me, and I often let everybody decide who I should be because any attempt at being me or trying to do things for myself would lead to physical and emotional harm from other people.

That was a huge period of vulnerability; a time when being sensitive was wrong, and I was picked on for being too soft, dressing differently, and behaving differently.

I was also bullied in my relationships, because I had different styles, tastes, and often did things in different ways in comparison to other people, because my skills were very limited.

I had to learn to do things that I had never done or been taught to do before, and I had to teach myself to do most things by myself.

I learned to decorate, but not in the same way as somebody who had been taught. Of course, I watched my mum and other people do it, but I did not pick up on their methods of measuring the paper and cutting it in the way that they did.

I also had different ideas on how my home should look, and I was often criticised and bullied for doing it my way. This was usually the case with my boyfriend's parents.

In their eyes, if it didn't fit the traditional scene of their family's way of doing things, then I didn't fit in. In the end, just to stop the disagreements and keep the peace, I would resort to letting them do it for me. It was the same with cleaning, because anything was better than being faced with the violence, trauma and emotional abuse that was being thrown at me for being different.

I also lost my sense of style and changed the way I spoke and acted to fit in with the crowd, because being myself always led to violence and abuse.

Today, I am a completely different person, but despite being nearly 50 years old, I still have a long way to go before I find the whole of myself and my independence.

When I first met the man I was to marry, I would ask for everything, including permission to do the things I wanted to do.

Of course, there are times when asking is a polite thing to do in a relationship, but there are things that nobody, whether in a relationship or marraige should have to ask for.

These are the things that I had to seek approval for:

• What I should be wearing
• What I should be eating
• Whether I could work or have a career

• Who I should be friends with, and who they should go out with

• Whether I could go out with certain friends, where I was going, and what time I would be back. This is ok in certain circumstances, but it should never be used to control a partners ability to live their own life.

• Whether a parent chooses to buy clothes for their children or accept them from relatives, constantly. Parents should be free to enjoy choosing these items for themselves.

• Whether or not a partner can visit a parent.

• How the house should be cleaned. I was also told how to do it and what I should be using. If it didn't fit in with what my ex's parents approved of, then I wasn't allowed to use it

I was assessed by an independent assessor for my children during a legal case, and I was told that "every person does things differently. When you are in a relationship, this is an important thing to accept."

• Permission to do my own thing. My ex thought I needed approval for everything. You should be allowed to do the things that you love without conditions.

• Speaking my mind. You should never have to ask permission for this, but speaking my mind was always disapproved of.
• What I should be buying with my own money. Every couple sets a budget and plans their finances, but you should never have to put up with being told what you should buy with money that is just yours, and has come from your own means. For example, I got money for my birthday and was told it had to go on rent and bills.
• Friends whom I had known for years were not allowed in my home without permission, though it was ok for his friends to come to my house.
• Permission to ask for help when I needed it was frowned upon, even if it came from a professional. When you need help, you don't need your partner's approval to accept that help.

This is not a lengthy list of things I experienced, because that list would take up the whole of this article.

I struggled for a long time to get my independence back after these experiences, and I was afraid to do anything for myself for fear of being judged or, more commonly,

being told that I was doing it wrong, that I was wrong, or that my thoughts were stupid.

I was constantly called out on my behaviour and the things that I did, to the point where I started doubting my own abilities. I felt that I had to question everything about myself and seek permission or approval for everything that I did, even when I knew that it was the right thing to do.

It got to a point where I doubted my abilities, not just to choose important things for myself, but also whether or not I was a good person, worthy of love, capable of living my own life, or starting a career of my choice.

I also started neglecting my self-care, because I was taught that I wasn't important enough to look after myself, and that I was only important if I did the things other people approved of, or behaved in a way that allowed me to fit in.

What I Have Learned Since Getting My Independence Back.

I'm not 100 per cent independent yet.

I still tend to ask for permission to do things, and live, even when they are irrational.

The difference is, it's impulsive, and I'm not always aware of why I have done it.

It's a learned behaviour that has been ingrained in me, and it will take a while for me to unlearn it.

However,

• I started writing without needing permission or approval, whereas in the past, I would have waited until somebody told me to do it.
• I study my own thing, without asking.
• I am comfortable doing things such as decorating and cleaning, and I do it my way.
• I can make a decision and think my own way without needing anyone to confirm my thoughts and feelings.
• I wear my clothes, makeup, and my hair how I see fit to wear them.
• I make my own choices about going out and when I come home. I only ever set times when needed.
• I have my own circle of friends, and I do not need approval from any partner.

I have learned that while it is good to get other people's opinions, and discuss some things with a partner.

I also have a mind of my own, and it is my right to make decisions about my own life.

It is easy to fall into a trap of seeing yourself as 'owned' in a relationship, and even in friendship circles.

Sometimes, we become so close to people that even when we know the relationship is controlling and unhealthy, we have problems letting go.

It becomes so normal to us that we can no longer see 'abnormal' or 'unhealthy' in the midst of the fog.

Regaining strength when you have lost your independence after spending a lengthy time with someone you thought loved you is not an easy road, but if there is one big moment of learning that is a top highlight for me, it is this,

When you find your independence, learning, life, and living become things you learn to control again. Start by doing the small things you used to do before you became dependent on your abusers, and work your way to the top. Journal everything you writing your honest thoughts about life, freedom, and what that means to you.

You soon realise that the control others had over you is fading, and that you don't need to rely on anyone to make decisions regarding your own life and the path you take.

'Finding your own independence means breaking free from the unhealthy rules and boundaries others have imposed on you. Once you find your freedom and feel safe in your own mind, you will find your own internal strength.'

"You find your own power, and that renders an abuser powerless."

(Quotes are Authors own)