The Time I Almost Lost Myself

I had a weird dream, which came very close to a nightmare. It was I standing on the top of a spiraling staircase looking down at the many flights of steps I have to walk and not seeing the bottom floor. This dream kept coming vividly to me more often so when I’m faced with difficulties in life. As I consumed the dream of a spiraling staircase, then came a dream of me driving up a narrow high hill in which the top of the hill was so wide and steep, but had houses above it as well as surrounding it. As I was already up at that hill, I try to go back down, but my fear of heights hit me really bad that I felt in my mind that I was going to be on top of this hill for along time, until reality hit me and coached me that, You can’t stay were you at forever, You have to face your fears and come down that steep hill now,”

As the dream put me in a awkward position, I kept seeing vehicles going down the steep hill real fast and as I was trying to catch up on the moving vehicles they were gone so fast. So I waited until another vehicle aimed towards the steep hill going down, this time I was ready and had to face it. So as I tail gated the vehicle I began putting more ignition on my vehicle to catch up and see how the vehicles were able to go down that steep hill and sure enough as I did,, the vehicle that I was following had slowed up a bit like it knew I was behind it and then took its time for me to see how they made it down, so as I glanced and followed, the vehicle then made sure I was close enough to see how to manage the steep hill going down and as I saw, the vehicle felt I was were I needed to be and then took off and that’s when I felt my fear flew away away from me because I was were I suppose to be to carry myself safely.

The spiraling staircase, came again and this time after the dream of the steep hill, the staircase again placed me on top of the stair. While on top of the stairs, I began to revisit the hill, but this time there is no one in this dream to coach me, so I began to hold on to stair rails to guide myself slowly down and as I did a thought kept say, Don’t look no were else but the steps going down. As I followed the thought in my head to hold on to the rails going down, I began to feel calm and secure and didn’t realize I was close to the bottom of the step, because on up I couldn’t see it, but as I just slowly walked down by grabbing the rails I felt the sense of security and calmness flowing. In the dream as I kept going I began seeing the bottom of the stairs more clearly now and as I saw it, my pace began going faster and faster down the stairs, then as I reached the bottom of the steps to were my feet became grounded the dream ended.

I almost lost myself when I’m somewhere unfamiliar and scared as well as new.… I almost lost myself, when I’m at the point I don’t know what to do…

As thoughts of losing my mom first at a young age hit me, I had no assurance of which way my life was going to going or how to adapt, but to know I’m young and there was a lot of growing to do.

As growing into an adult, yes I was pretty green behind the ears because I hadn’t experienced life and reality and yes it was hard. Had my first job, and ended up being fired, it was devastating, then had another job and being placed certain areas because of lack of comprehending certain techniques within the company drew worry on me and my self esteem. Then plainly had no knowledge of college and financial criteria. As I got older, my relationship was new and dealt with a lot of disappointments, physical, mental, verbal abuse and set backs, plus rejections. As I got older I watched others I grew up even family members got a taste of good life, career, marriage and children and just being happy from what I seen and experienced. As I worked at countless jobs, I try my best to stay and build what I lost, but either way it was always something that I wasn’t good at that drove me out.

After dealing with people and life in general, as well as the lost of infertility of carrying, I immediately was literally throwing in the towel and kept silence and just stayed to myself and not inviting myself no were, but stayed alone. I was really losing me in general.

I had moments when I have my crying spells of the many set backs and losses I had experienced, as well as one hard blow of beginning a job and in the force unexpectedly losing a Dad and a brother at the same time. Everything was hitting me back and back and back to were I had no strength left in my body. I began drinking, not just beer, but like hard liquor to ease the pain and smoke a bit when I’m stressed. I was amune to drinking that I didn’t realize it was damaging my health, losing my teeth, and my aging me quicker. I felt hopeless.”

Sex became a new normal to get over because I had no companion ad promised to me a year ago. The situation in my ex fiancé life gotten so much unbearable for him, that he ended us and I began to really lose me, because I changed my routine a bit, but not much to be prepared, but when he ended us, I was numb to were I had nothing in me, no sex drive, no love, nothing, but loneliness and change and accepting my life as it is🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️😔😔😔.

As life goes on, I did had thoughts on just ending things, but then as I almost about to lose myself, a suddenly came to me in reminding me of the dreams I had, as well as natural visits from a cardinal to a squirrel and even a lady bug. They were small, but meaningful, they allow me to see whatever in life may break me into nonexistent, there in the smallest of things I exist and do matter and to remind me that even from the steep hills to the spiraling staircase life goes on, evening at the most terrifying and troubling of times, I have to move forward and secure in myself and within my heart that things will be more clearer when patient and know I do have a purpose and not to up on myself, even though things had.

The End