I Am

I woke up and went to the mirror this morning constantly looking at myself. I was looking at the person looking back in that mirror and seeing what the outside version is not seeing. As I glanced at myself, I notice some changes in my appearance as well as my hair and my body and felt a bit sad. I felt sad and overwhelmed at how fast life is going for me and not aware how stressed my life has and the sacrifices that was put out. I’m still trying to grasp within my heart, “what am I now?

As a moment of me venting on myself in the mirror and gathering myself and thoughts, I began to slowly adjust to the changes I see and began washing my face and brushing my teeth and fixing my hair and slowly myself esteem picked up and as I showered my joints began to ease and I felt ok. I played some music to help sprucing my day starting and to vent and meditate to acknowledge and accept the things I can not change.

As I began to leave my place and go to my car and look in my rearview mirror, I began to see myself more clearer and recognize I am me and I have a choice to be happy, be joyful and to love me and appreciate the person that I am, whether no one appreciates or love me for me, I am who I am and I’m living for me and no one else.

As I turn the ignition to the car on, I played some music in the car and as I turned the Channel to some upbeat music, I said to myself in my mind, “ today may not be what I expect, but I’m grateful to be alive, and although I may not appreciate what I see right now of the physical and emotional changes that are happening to me, I can not expect for no one to accept me or like me for me, but to know that I am special and I can love and I can be a better me and not for anyone else. I am accepting myself worth, myself love and my own joy and how I make the day to be. I can be more than what I think of myself as well as anyone else and move myself forward if I chose to.

Hearing the birds chirp and the trees bristle as the wind blow swiftly and calmly makes my inner being sooth, knowing my life is valuable and my time is what I make it to be each time I got the opportunity to wake up and live and breathe and smell my surroundings and adapt to a better person on the day I wake up and move.

As I drove, I can hear the traffic slowly gathering on the road and the off music echoing at each part of ears. I can also smell some food about to be prepared as the morning is setting and the warm smell of ground coffee hit my nose flares with sweet, mellow, ground and heavy flavors bursting with its own aroma and spice.

My mind opens its own sensors to navigate and acknowledge how the day will be as I drive fluently and sweetly to my own inner beats. My hands on the wheel of my car tapping each music the hit my soul to an adrenaline high and rushing flow. Towards each part of my travel I gave my trust to say to myself allow this day to be good to you in its own way and for you to learn and be better however it may cost.

At times as I pray I get cautious of how things will be, but when I had to stop and realize this day is not just my day, but every soul that lives and breathes even creatures small and large, high and low to fully understand, just living and making it through is the biggest accomplishment there of. I had to replay my thoughts real good to understand, I’m not the only one that may have insecurity issues or worse, thoughts of harm.

I fully understand who I am and acknowledge I am not perfect, but just a human being, delicate and self aware of things as well as my behavior will be. I am my own responsibility and my own destiny. I had to practice over and over in my head how I am important, even if some may not consider me as important. I have a plan and a purpose and keep in mind I am my own first love.

Yes, that part, “ my own first love. I had to think as I pulled the car over and parked at a public garden to realize I have to love myself and cherish me and acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses very seriously and know I can be what I make myself to be and understand I can carry the torch and run my own race how fast I chose to run it.

I am a human being with secrets and memories and devine intervention and willingness to pursuit my own happiness and joy. I am not held prisoner of my own life and love. Nor am I going to regret saying No sometimes when things are unfavorable or uncomfortable in my life. I can have a voice, my own voice to speak and sing what’s in my heart in truths. My eyes will be focus only on being happy with me and how my mood will become during this moment.

In my mind, it holds thoughts of pain and worry as well as numerous of time my heart has been over looked, rejected and mistreated in which at times I do question myself, if ever was enough for anyone? If I ever made someone happy or disappointed? If I ever notice anything about myself to cause myself to feel lonely? Those are the types of feelings I hold inside of me and it keeps me thinking myself, What on earth is wrong with me.” I kept beating myself up numerous of time, but after a long long process and thoughts of looking at myself in the mirror, I realize I am more than enough and am more than someone’s thoughts of me of how they see me as. I can not change or will I ever change to fit in someone’s fantasy. I had to stop and opened my eyes more broader, after the tears flew from my eyes more rapidly and clear. I had to see myself as an original and no phony. I had to adapt in my own habitat in life and encourage myself that things will be alright if I can just take it for the moment, take it slowly step by step, make my own destiny and path to dwell in and find my joy and delights from within.

I can not stress enough how I see others, abandon, alone and homeless. The behavior that comes from within them show how they had to deal and survive each treacherous event and devastation that surpassed them a they lived and cope with losses, disappointments and being careful not to be in someone’s presence scarring the living soul out of the privilege and well nature.

It hurt me so bad to watch and witness such horrors on this earth and to realize and remind myself I’m more than enough and to not change for anyone’s pleasure or enjoyment, for as the old saying goes, I can do bad all by myself.”

As I open my car up and sat inside, I realize how life is so delicate and fragile, how sweet and remorse. I too have to hold and hug myself, knowing it may not happen now, but it will one day and at this moment just live and be happy.

This is me☺️☺️☺️, and only me, I am anything I make myself to be, if only I believe and be strong in my heart and soul. I am my own time machine to take me anywhere and everywhere I set myself to be without holding back on myself and what’s waiting for me.

The End