The Face of Depression

Neon hair, facial stars, colorful makeup. I go through an elaborate process to play make believe that I am okay and everything will be fine. I’m not only lying to myself, but to everyone who loves and cares about me.

For years, I’ve suffered from a personality disorder that you cannot just pop a pill for. I have been admitted to more behavioral health hospitals than most people will ever see even in movies. I have been admitted to the medical hospital multiple times for suicide attempts. Despite this, I keep trying to convince myself that I’m okay; I’m happy, and all will be well.

This is the big lie that many people with issues tell ourselves.

My struggles grew very serious in 2012. What better juxtaposition than to focus on self care in 2021? I have been seeing various therapists for years, along with aforementioned hospitalizations. I’m currently going through one of the roughest patches I have had in years. I am an advocate for mental health awareness and the lack of resources in the state of Arkansas. I am very open with my own battles, but I keep so much to myself. Healing has to begin by trusting people again.

2021 is only a month old, but so far appears that the 2020 dumpster fire is still burning. Many people are suddenly worried about surviving when their lives were steady and secure. We all have our personal battles, but we need to care for others as well. To do this effectively, you have to care for yourself. Be selfish. Take an hour for yourself and indulge in a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book. Turn on some music and meditate. Go sit outside somewhere quiet and just look at our beautiful world and decide to be part of it, not just a bystander.

My year of self care is going to be difficult. No one can do this for me - I have to realize and really believe that I deserve to find happiness and believe that I am worth something. Borderline personality disorder is a very tricky mental disorder. There is a constant fear of abandonment that never really fades. Trusting other people after you have been repeatedly hurt is so hard. We have extreme emotional shifts and most people do not understand that it’s not something we can help. But I’m going to give it my best shot.

Covid quarantine has made this so much worse than in the past. I have been suicidal twice this week alone. But starting today, I am going to try to wake up every morning and tell myself that I deserve to be in this world and I have much to offer it.

This is not as easy as it sounds.

BPD is considered incurable but it is treatable. The first line of defense is intensive therapy. I’m going to see my therapist more this year. My mother purchased a workbook for BPD and my therapist and I are going to work through it. More than three million people are diagnosed each year (1). My goal is to get my own life back, but I want to help others who suffer from this and raise awareness.

My self care plan is more therapy, more time to focus on me and what makes me happy, and slowly trying to climb out of the shell I have built around me. The scars I wear remind me that I am still here and I still have things to do. I’m also becoming better at saying no when I know someone is trying to take advantage of me. I am a very giving person and I have been burned badly from people who were supposed to care for me. I am learning I can still care and help others without sacrificing myself.

On another note, if you feel yourself struggling, please reach out to anyone you know you can trust and ask for help. Trust me, I know how hard that is when you have a mental disorder. I also know that it takes longer to put yourself back together after you fall apart. But it is possible, and this year my focus is to put myself back together and decide where I want to be at this time next year.

I’m not proud of all the choices I have made, especially when those choices hurt people I love. What is done is done, though. I can only move forward and try to learn to be better. BPD comes with a lack of impulse control, so before I make any decisions this year, I am going to take at least a few minutes to think about each one. Will this action bring me to happiness or sorrow is to be my mantra this year.

This year is not the time to worry about what other people think about you. Focus on yourself this year. Even if you are going all day from that first cup of coffee to bedtime, find ten minutes and let them all be about you and your happiness. This is what I am going to do, and it is going to be one of the hardest. Right now, this minute, I do not believe that I have a place in this world. I’m changing that tonight, even as I’m writing. I do deserve to be happy. We all do. So even though this is my year of self care and focusing on me, I still ask you, my reader, to focus on yourself.

“The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself.” - Ellen DeGeneres

Rhiannon Reeves

(1) Statistics from Mayo Clinic