Life with Borderline Personality Disorder

I’m not an expert writing in my field. I am a patient who was diagnosed several years with incorrect disorders. It is not easy to be diagnosed as Borderline, which I will refer to now as BPD. There are nine qualities that your therapist or psychiatrist will go over to determine if this is really what you have. As difficult as it is to diagnose, it is difficult to deal with. What I’m wanting to share is my experience with the nine major signs, and hopefully help others that are suffering and don’t know why.

1) Fear of Abandonment. This is a big one. The few people I’ve connected to that are diagnosed with BPD also consider this a major fear. Just speaking for myself, I can take something meant completely innocently and turn it into a world ending crisis. You can’t make it to lunch? Oh my God, I must have said or done something so bad they don’t want to be around me. Therefore, I tend to be terrified when someone is ten minutes late and completely lose it. The worst part of this is the sense of being clingy; so much to the point I drive people away. No one likes to be accused for unintended misunderstandings or simply running late.

2) Unstable Relationships. This one is confusing for me. I’ve had a boyfriend that lasted with me for over ten years, and between my worsening BPD and his increased drinking, it ended when I walked out. My marriage was difficult to begin with, since my ex husband is diagnosed as schizo effective. When you have two people with serious mental issues, it generally doesn’t end well. I’m not only speaking from experience, but from watching people I met in mental wards that formed relationships. I’m fairly responsible in day to day life, but when your partner isn’t, it makes life so much more difficult.

3) Self Shifting Self Image. This is one of the hardest things I struggle with. One morning I’m Superwoman, capable of handling a multitude of problems and incidents without even breaking a sweat. The next morning I’m Gollum, hiding in a cave, as far from the world as I can get. Feelings of terrible self worth pound my brain, and I can’t imagine why anyone would seek out my hiding spot. Some days I can accomplish so much, but then those are followed by a couple of weeks in my cave, wondering who would want to seek me out.

4) Self Destructive/ Impulsive Behavior. This doesn’t actually require much explanation. I feel emptiness; a void in my life. I’ve tried to fill it with numerous self destructive behaviors, including binge shopping. Usually I’m able to come to my senses and cancel the orders, or return them, or resell them. I did try with drugs to fill those holes, but I realized quickly that made it worse and gave that up. Binge eating or fasting for days at a time are my thing now. I’m working to get this under control, as it is hell on my diabetes.

5) Self Harm. This is separate from suicide attempts; this is a way to make you feel something again, even physical pain. This is actually the category I have the least experience in. If I am setting out to harm myself, it’s to end the pain I constantly feel.

6) Emotional Swings. I’m totally guilty. I can’t seem to explain how I can go from having a good time to hysterics in under three minutes. Little things that other people can shrug off fester in my head. I’m not easy to forgive and forget. Every slight, real or imaginary, races through my brain in the dark and I relive my personal hell nightly. I’m an insomniac anyway, so the three or four hours of sleep I get are broken and disturbed.

7) Chronic Feeling of Emptiness. I think I covered that well earlier, but I think I might be able to explain it better. I live completely in the moment. I don’t dwell much on the past. I can’t change it; I can only try to learn from it and move forward. I can’t see a future for myself, because I find just getting through the day is a struggle. If that sounds depressing, it is and it is not an easy way to live.

8) Explosive Anger. Anyone that knows me knows it takes a lot for me to REALLY lose my temper. God help anyone in my way when my Taurus bull sees red. Things get broken. Half the time it’s someone else or a situation that has me upset. The other half, I think I’m actually furious with myself - choices I’ve made that I can’t undo, stupid impulse shopping, even if I get it fixed, letting people take advantage of me over and over again until I snap. I can and will hold a grudge until even after I die. Words of advice, tread carefully around your BPD person, especially if they happen to be a Taurus.

9) Feeling out of Touch with Reality. This one hits me hard at three a.m. when I’m desperately trying to get a little sleep. Thoughts start running the Boston Marathon through my head, and I cannot surmise what I think happened and what actually happened. I’ll think something has been posted on Facebook, or I’ve received a text or email of a catastrophe. No matter how tired I am, I have to get out of bed and go make sure whatever horrible thing hasn’t really happened, and of course, it never has.

What makes BPD even more difficult to live with, it’s that is it usually combined with other mental issues. Mine is high anxiety and the older I get, the worse it gets. There are events and places I’ve wanted to go, but when the time comes, I have anxiety attacks strong enough that I’m throwing up everything I’ve ever eaten since 1994. For a long time, I thought it was bad food, or a stomach flu, but as I get older, I’m thinking it’s the thought of leaving my home safe space.

Now after the symptoms, there’s the fact that it is treatable but not curable. Recent studies with MRI’s have been done on brains of BPD sufferers that show abnormalities in the brain. I’m not going into the science of it. I’m sure you have Google if you are that interested. BPD is primarily treated through therapy, and if this list hits home, I beg you to speak to someone. Suicide rates are extremely high with BPD patients because we’re being treated for the wrong disorders. I’ve tried multiple times, and it’s amazing I’m still here. I’m far from well yet, but I’m asking my readers to understand if your loved one has these symptoms, try to get them in therapy. If you’ve been diagnosed, all I can tell you is that this day will end. It’s possible tomorrow will be a little better. Talk to people. If you have friends, ask for help. Get a therapist, and to hell with the stigma about getting mental health assistance. It’s 2021, not 1955. It’s not embarrassing to want to help yourself.

Aunt Nannon Reeves

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow .” -Maya Angelou