The Block Within My Brain

        My house is a mess. I need to clean my house.

        Our finances aren't great. I need to get a job.

        I have my own career I'm trying to start. I need to put work into that.

        I can't start my career without promoting it. I don't have the stuff I need.

        My laptop does. I need my laptop.

        I don't know where my laptop is. I need to find my laptop.

        I can't find it. My house is a mess. I need to clean my house.

        Every day, I battle with myself and my brain like this. It never gets any easier as my thoughts only spiral more and more around themselves. There are things I need to do, things I want to do, but I am incapable of doing them. I just can't get my mind to focus on anything. I'm absolutely and totally useless.

        People keep telling me to find a way around it and just do what needs to be done. They don't realise that I am doing my best. If there was a way around it, I would take it that way. I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be spending my days panicking because I'm running out of time and everything is the same way it was this morning, and yesterday, and last month. I wouldn't be spending my days hating myself and wondering why I was given a brain that does nothing for me except make my life harder than it needs to be. I wouldn't be wondering if it's noon or ten at night. If I'm twenty-two or nineteen. If it's Monday in November or Sunday in July. By the way, it's Thursday. I wouldn't be confused about what time is because time would actually exist. I wouldn't keep losing it.

        I still don't know where my laptop is. I looked for it, but I can't find it. I have no memory of where I last saw it. And my house is messier now because I had to move stuff to look for it. And I should clean, but I am too overwhelmed with my own self to be able to. Just like I'm too overwhelmed to shower or eat or go outside. I want to. I want to be productive, but I am not. And it's only getting worse. I used to be able to force myself to do something and I could get it done. I don't have that control anymore. If I force myself to do something, I only fall apart because I can't keep my concentration for longer than five minutes. I just can't.

        "Oh, well, it can't be that bad". You aren't the one living with this. If it weren't that bad, I wouldn't be so depressed and tired of myself all the time. I would be able to exist without feeling like I'm failing everyone because I'd be able to do something. Literally anything. But instead, I can't do anything, and I can't get better, and I'm pretty sure there is no hope. I want to there to be hope. But every day that passes with me thinking about what I want or need to do without being able to only makes things worse. I can't do anything. I'm not good for anything. I am just in the way, even in my own life.

        What makes it worse is never being taken seriously because all people see is the energy bursts and the forgetfulness - things they think are cute or humourous. They don't mean to make fun of it or to undermine its crushing ability. They don't see how bad it can be. All they know is sometimes you're extra entertaining and other times you're frustrating. They don't know you're always frustrating, even when you are entertaining. They don't know how much it contributes to other illnesses and issues. They don't know the stress, the anxiety, and the depression. And I wouldn't want them to. I just want people to hear me and to stop pressuring me all the time because I am already under so much pressure. I can't change my brain. I can't take the problem away. I'm stuck like this. Forever.

        And that is why I suck.