"Here lies a resting place for dark minds."
Sharing my stories, articles, and photographs
Eating Disorder Recovery: My Unstable Path to Stability
Three years ago, I went from a delusional state in regards to my health to total awareness. At the time, I was weirdly obsessed with HIIT and I was eating less than even a small child should. I had a large binder that was stacked full of underwhelming meal plans and ridiculous diets. I was spending the majourity of my day either exercising or in bed wishing I was. Everything revolved around losing weight for me, and it sucked. It didn't occur to me just how bad it was though until July 1st, 2019.
Standing by the Closet Door
I was eight-years-old when I started to suspect I was "different". I would see all sorts of girls at school and they always took my breath away. They were all so pretty, so very pretty. But I was never jealous of them. There was no reason to be jealous. I hadn't yet learned to hate my body, so I hadn't yet started comparing myself to them. If anything, I was jealous of the boys. I was having "sinful" thoughts of the girls - "unnatural" thoughts. I knew that none of them had those ideas or feelings too. They had made that very, painfully clear with their comments about the "evil" gays and their chasing of the boys in our class. So, I decided to keep it to myself.
My Advice for Bad Body Image Days
Since you have decided to read this, chances are you're struggling with your body image and self-esteem. I understand, because I have problems with the same thing. My own issues started when I was ten-years-old, almost twelve years ago. I would get bullied for my appearance often and would listen to people openly, and loudly, judge other peoples' bodies. It ended up affecting how I saw, felt, and treated myself; even leading to the development of an eating disorder not long after. It became impossible for me to see myself in any kind of positive light. I went from thinking my body was the problem to thinking I was the problem when, really, the problem was how I was being treated and how I was letting that treatment affect me.
It's a night like many other nights. The air is sweet and mild with a crisp chill to it. The streets are empty except for resting cars. Pumpkins line the sidewalks and exaggerated spider webs hang from all the houses. Small children are trying, and struggling, to fall asleep because of their excitement. Teenagers are watching poorly made and cheesy horror movies from the comfort of their cosy beds. Meanwhile, parents are stressed because there's so much to do tomorrow and there doesn't seem to be enough time. Despite the excitement, terror, and worry, they all drink their pumpkin-spiced drinks and focus on the good. The good, of course, is that in less than two hours, it will officially be Halloween.
Gives You Hell
Little can be seen in the dark throne room. Shades of black and deep red coat the walls and floors. The curtains are closed, although it seems pointless as the outside sky is protected by black clouds. Candles are lit along the entire length of the castle. They are not the most powerful form of light, yet they do enough. The most luminescent area of the fortress is up a long staircase. There's a large and soft throne chair that sits on the top and overlooks the rest of the room. Next to it is a small, yet tall table. It's the perfect size to be comfortably by the chair without taking up a lot of space.
One Last Dance
Soft music flows up and down the halls, drawing my attention. It's midnight and the school is closed, so I already know there shouldn't be anyone here besides me and the other janitor right now. I consider using my walk talky to call for security, but decide against it. I'm a twenty-year-old man. I should have the courage by now to investigate my own concerns instead of bothering somebody else. At the very least, I should find out if there's trouble first. I lean my broom up against the wall and start my walk towards the sound.
My Personal Advice for Dealing with Depression
We hear about mental illnesses often enough to know what they are and the problems they can cause. Often times, you'll hear advice telling you what you can do to push it to the side or get rid of it completely. A lot of times though, from what I've seen, this is just a ploy to get money or to get you to take some experimental drug. Or it's superficial advice about how losing weight will solve your problems. So I'm going to try to give you some advice that might actually help you.
It Started With a Homophobe
It started with a homophobe - specifically a short one with a receding hairline and mediocre job. That was all he was back then; a regular man. He was just like everybody else. He went to a job he neither liked nor hated, lived in a house that was neither big nor small, drove a car that wasn't fancy but ran well, all the normal things. He was simple, and he liked it like that. He envied the rich, but was grateful he wasn't homeless and could eat everyday. He was very happy with what he had.
Too Far Down
Leaves blow past me as I watch my boyfriend of eight months walk away. He just broke up with me for being in love with someone else, my friend Park in particular. I tried to talk him out of it, to convince him that he's just being paranoid, but he saw right through me. I feel a twinge of sadness while the outline of his body fades further away. I breathe in deeply and turn. I start walking along the path again and pull my phone out of my pocket. I dial Park's number.