Sometimes I feel like a fish...

When I had my 20 gallon aquarium in my home years ago, I would sit and watch the fish swim back and forth for hours at a time. I loved the sound of the moving water through the filter, watching them gracefully glide through the water, and even the distinct smell of fishiness was relaxing to me. One day that all changed though as I contemplated my life. I mean, I still love watching the fish swim back and forth, but I can't help make comparisons to how I feel some days...

As a schizophrenic, my actions are monitored by health care professionals. Now this isn't to say that this always is the case, but it does happen to be the case a majority of the time. They always have to know how common the negative hallucinations are, how much medication I have been taking, and how the symptoms of depression and anxiety are fairing since there is a direct correlation in those symptoms and the worsening of my schizophrenia. This is their job, and I appreciate them for it because it allows me to live a more normal life, however it also makes me feel empty a lot of the time because they don't ask about the friendly ones.

Sharing about the feel good moments aren't a major deal to them... but if not them, then who? And without asking about the funny incidents, my paperwork only shows the negative side of me. I'm supposed to accept my condition in all of it's limitations, but I'm also not supposed to see the silver lining in my disability - yet also not be so pessimistic. It makes me feel confused and hurt. Much like I imagine the fish feel like in the aquarium as we isolate them into a smaller transfer tank as we clean their home. I wonder if they feel dread at that time in the same way I sometimes feel dread going in to see my psychiatrist.

My current psychiatrist is awesome and she will ask about the happy ones too on occasion. But... I have also trained her for years now. I've been occasionally told that I'm the oddball... however, when I discuss hallucinations with my peers, we all seem to have friendly ones too. Yet no one wants to hear about them. Our medical teams just want to make them go away because all of the books talk about how bad they are... much like the algae on the aquarium is bad. But the algae has it's benefits... and our positive hallucinations have benefits too.

If you, as a worker, ask about our families, ask about our home life, ask the typical small talk questions... I challenge you to ask about any positive hallucinations too. We don't have many people to talk to about them that are supposed to be a safe space. And after a while, if all we hear is how bad they are, they that are a part of us for better or for worse, then eventually we can hear that we are bad. And I for one, can guarantee that the more I was told that hallucinations were bad and horrible, the worse they got and the worse my self-esteem, my self-talk, my self-image became. I also can guarantee that I am not alone in that - though I might be one of the few who can communicate that through writing fairly effectively.

I feel like a fish in the aquarium when I am out in public. Especially now as I am trying to educate people on my illness and shed light on it isn't always being bad. A few years ago, I was in Walmart and a lady came up to me, yelling and making a scene about something... I honestly didn't see it as important and just wanted her to leave me alone. My toddler was in the cart and I was feeling threatened. Blue-Eyes (one of my giant, fluffy, neon-green spiders) came up behind her and was threatening in a joking manner about biting her. Now I know that he isn't real, however just in case I am wrong, I refuse to let them interact with the real world like that. You know, just in case somehow they are from another dimension that I can see into (I like science fiction... *wink*).

Anyway, my rules are absolute and so I shook my head no at the invisible spider behind and over her shoulder, making eye contact with it. This lady came unglued because I was telling her no. I figured it'd make her go away to apologize and clarify that I wasn't telling her no... but then that opened the worst can of worms. She demanded to know what in the world I was saying no to as there wasn't anyone else in the area. I was tired of dealing with this mess... so I went with the truth. News flash: don't do that.

A short while later, I was trying to explain to law enforcement that no, I didn't need to go to the hospital. They were doing their best to "help me" because obviously I was the problem and a danger to my toddler... and that was when I got over being scared. I got angry. The poor officer didn't know what switch he had triggered, but he had mentioned that I wasn't "safe" to be a mom because of a positive, well-handled hallucination.

I didn't yell or scream. My anger doesn't typically work that way. My anger comes out quiet and controlled... deadly... much like an eel in an aquarium slipping out to eat another fish. I quietly explained that since I, the crazy one, was under psychiatric care and knew that my hallucinations were not a threat - yet even put in the extra effort to guarantee that they were not threatening... that I wasn't the danger to society. The danger was the other woman who was still freaking out that my non-existent spider was going to eat her! She obviously was the one who needed medical help because obviously she had to have seen my spider to be this upset... and I let them know that it takes years of practice and medications to get used to the additional companionship.

I have no idea why the poor man was having a hard time not laughing. He said that I could leave and apologized for the inconvenience. The other lady was told to calm down and leave me alone - or something about going for a ride if I heard correctly as I walked away. I felt bad that I was short with him. I don't like the feeling of anger. But I also had no intention of allowing him to twist this incident against me as a parent. I've had that happen to me too many times before becoming a mom... lost too much already... and I'd do just about anything (legally, that is) to protect my children from anyone's idiotic stigma on my health condition.

Yet, that being said, I can't do that while educating people. It upset the lady and probably inspired more negative stigma about people like me. It wasn't helpful in the long run, yet... when I am so stressed like that, I can't always control the situation. I feel like I have to make a good impression while still being authentic and that, my friends, is a major challenge.

I feel like a fish in an aquarium out walking with my service animal. People watch through the glass in their windows. Sometimes they come out and over to talk, but typically they just watch, silently passing judgement in their minds. I know that in some ways I appreciate that as I have difficulty with too many interactions... but I'd prefer to just hear them ask the questions than to let them google for the information. Google is not the friend for schizophrenia, not a great resource for service animal material, and yet... people use it to collect information instead of daring to just ask the questions that honestly are much nicer in real life versus what Dr. Google says. Don't google your symptoms, go to the doctor - don't google my condition, ask me about it instead... or at least ask which I'd prefer which option you do!

Every time my service animal stops me to bring me out of my head - the way she is trained to do, I know how it looks. It looks like she is in charge and refusing to cooperate. But really? She is reminding me to take account of my situation... she is insisting that I be present to avoid getting lost in my memories... she stops to do a check-in. When I am completely shutting down, she looks like she is dragging me forward as I barely make one step in front of the other. I've seen it on camera and it doesn't look good. But these are her jobs. These are the negative side to my schizophrenia and I promise, it doesn't look better when another person takes her place.

Then I read articles that talk about how as a partner to a service animal, I am supposed to always make sure that we are the perfect ambassadors. That only makes how I feel as an educator even more daunting of a task because there are so many ways each encounter could go wrong. What about when the clerk at the discount store shook the plastic bag at my service animal? She flenched backwards for a couple of seconds before recovering, but then I was berated for trying to pass a "pet" off as a "service animal."

Then as a parent, I am a fish my kids watch through the glass so to speak. Kids? They learn, they watch, they listen, they soak it up. The same way I love to watch the fish. They watch me interact with my world. It is important to show them the right way to handle situations. I know this better than most of the peers I have talked to because I grew up seeing situations not handled correctly. I grew up being fearful a lot of the time. However, one of the best things about how I grew up was not being told that my hallucinations were "bad." Even when they were scary, they weren't near as scary as some of the reality that I was exposed to. So I just learned to practice with them. Practice social interactions. Practice thought patterns. Play out what if's in real time. We can do that now with computers and AI's, but I was able to it a long time before I even knew what an AI was.

It's okay to be a fish in an aquarium. It's okay to be aware that everyone has their eyes on you. It's okay to feel scared as other's tap on your glass and transfer you and force you out of your comfort zone. Just as long as you keep swimming. Keep doing what you need to do to stay happy and healthy. And occasionally, it might even be okay to disappear into the shadows and cause everyone on the outside of the glass to have a panic attack. Just as long as you come back out again... *smile* Just like I do. I might not always make every interaction and thought come out perfectly, but I keep trying my best. I keep showing up and that, my friends, is the bottom line of being a fish in the world. *smile*