Self Counselling

Do you know what annoys me about me? The fact that I know exactly what I need to do to feel good and be successful in a career that I know I would love, but I don't fucking do it.

I have come on here and rambled on and on and on about a lack of focus and seeking advice from a past life therapist to try and understnd why I never reach my full potential. I have complained about my up bringing and how I was taught to lie from a very early age, but why am I talking about this shit? What the hell am I complaining about? Am I just trying to find excuses and other things to blame for something that is actually super fucking obvious?

The answer for me today is a resounding YES. I am hiding.

I like the idea of being successful, I feel I have the skills to be successful but sometimes just thinking about what that success might look like gives me enough of a positive feeling that I don't actually need to achieve it. This positive feeling allows to hide behind the lie that I am really trying when the truth is that I don't have the self discipline to achieve these dreams.

I intellectually know this. I think about it all the time so why don't I change?

I could go about listing the excuses, as I usually do, and I suppose that I should take some time to acknowledge some of the success that I have achieved, but it's not enough. The excuses and failure to execute is now starting to eat me up inside. Despite the small goals that I have achieved, I feel that it's not enough. Despite ticking somethings off the to do list, I feel disgusting that I didn't tick off everything.

I waste so much time doing nonsense dopamine enducing shite that I lose track of the bigger picture. It's time compartmentalise and stick to it. Break up my day into clear sections that I must stick to if I want to achieve my overall goals.

But what exactly are my goals?

Ok, complete my counselling diploma and do extra study so that I can be the best counsellor that I possibly can.

Grow my soccer coaching busines and get more NDIS Support Coordination Clients.

Become a part of the Liverpool FC International Academy coaching team.

Get some regular writing gigs and meet all the deadlines that are thrown my way.

Train like a boxer. Run, do body weight training and sparr with my son.

These are mid term goals and should be easily achievable. All it will take is steady consistant progress. It needs to start every day by getting out of bed as soon as the alrm goes off at 5.45am.

From there I need to do four sets of 25 push ups and 50 sit ups.

Run at least 3km and jump straight into the books to do some study before work. In work I can advertise the soccer program on line, I can look for potential new clients and do emails and phone calls etc. This CAN NOT be lip service. I CAN NOT talk too much about my goals and how I am going to achieve them to other people as this can give me the feeling that I have already completed a task. Having people praise me for my ideas instead of actually completing them can give me that sense of satisfaction. It's time to stop pretending, its time to stop hiding, it's time to live the life I am supposed to live.