Self Counselling

Have you heard these self help gurus talk about spending time alone? You know the one's. They always seem to preach about how peacful it is for the soul to sit in a room on your own and just be. For a start that doesn't make any frickin sense. Just be what? What if I feel like punching someones teeth in, can I just be in that mood? What if I feel like beeing a gluten? Just me and an etxtra large packet of salt n vinegar chips just being together and being happy about it. Of course, I know that isn't what they mean. Instead they have a super new age hippy view of what it means to just be in the moment and it has nothing to do with embracing the emotion you have at that time and just sitting in it. Instead its all about being comfortable with your own company. It's about slowing down and following your breath. Calming your thoughts, letting them flow through you without leaving an impression before letting them back out into the cosmos. It sounds beautiful, it really does. And it's probably easy if you have a mill in the bank and a body like David Goggins, but what if you don't like yourself? What if your inner dialogue is full of hate and vicious toxicity? What if your inner convesation is all about how filthy and low you are? What if all you can think about is the mstakes you've made in life and the ones you are sure too make tomorrow? What if you hate your own company? Then how can being alone be good? How can you just, be?

My mind simply can not stay still long enough to just be. The conversations never seem contructive and I feel it's better to sit them out by being busy and working towards a goal. If I find myself alone for long periods then the negative devil that resides inside us all always seems to win.

"Who do you think you are with all of these big plans?"

"You want to help others live their best life? You can't even stay focused on one task long enough to help yourself.

"You're a quitter, always have been and always will be.

"You lie, you drink, you love doing drugs and you will take anything to bed to make yourself feel wanted."

How do I deal with that? Be more confrontational? How can I be more confrontational when doing so makes me so anxious that the only way to control it is by running? Running or internalising that doubt and doing everything you can to avoid it. But maybe that's what self discipline is in it's rawest form.

Well that is how I have come to understand self discipline anyway. Mike Tyson says self discipline is, "doing what you hate, but doing it like you love it."

David Goggins and Jocko Willink back up this ideal by saying do the shit you don't want to do or do something that sucks everyday. Honestly, this actually makes some kind of sense to me on an intellectual level. However, in practice, I am lost.

My life is at a point where the harder I try, the worse everything seems to get. The more I push down the hardest path, the more my inner demon tells me I am fraud, a pretender, a teenage punk that will always be a sheep. Everyone can see it, they can see through all of my plastic words and attempts to be better. It even tells me that that's ok. Sheep are happy. They cruise around eating as much grass as they need. Water is left out for them. They grow enough wool to stay warm in the winter and they have little family units. You will never see a sheep trying to be a wolf, so why am I?