My Depression As A Teenager

Mentally, I had it rough as a teenager. At home, nobody wanted to listen to me. At school, I felt like I never had any true friends. I felt alone. I felt unappreciated. And I had to walk around everywhere feeling like I'm a piece of shit for a person and needed to leave the earth for good.

At home, my mom was very strict to me and my other siblings. When we needed to discuss something, my mom did the talking. If either of us spoke, it was considered as backtalk. None of us were able to speak our minds. She never wanted to listen to us, and that made me very depressed. You'd think as siblings, we'd talk to each other about our problems, but that was only working one way.

My younger sister didn't like my older brother because he was an asshole. And my brother didn't like her because she didn't like him. So, everyone went to me when they had something on there minds. But I never came to them with anything because I felt like it was gonna be no different than attempting to go to my mom for anything. And I was partially right. My little sister I felt was too young to understand anything that was going on with me, so I didn't bother going to her. My brother on the other hand was super different. My brother constantly forced me to speak my mind and when I did, he never attempted to understand my perspective just like my mom. I eventually stopped saying anything because I felt trapped.

At school, I thought telling a friend would do me some justice at least, but I could tell that they were overwhelmed with everything. These friends gave me suggestions on how to deal with these things exactly but these suggestions didn't work at all and wasn't very helpful. I couldn't relax at home because they stressed me out and due to my mom being strict, I was very limited to a lot of things.

My depression got to the point where I'd cry every other day and pray for the worse to happen to me. I even had suicidal thoughts. If I saw a car passing by while walking, I thought about jumping in front of it. Everywhere I went, I always thought, hope, and prayed for the end of my life because of how trapped and suffocated I had felt. I didn't like that feeling at all. Back then, if it would've taken me to die for all of my pain and depression to go away, I probably would've done it.

What kept me from ending everything was the little bit of positive thought I had in my mind.

"I want to have kids"

Wanting a family has been the reason why I am still alive today, and I am proud of that. Wanting a family of my own has made me want to live a longer life. I still use this motivation today whenever i do get depressed. The only downside is that I have a problem with opening up to people. As an adult, I still battle depression, but it isn't as bad as my depression as a teenager.

As I've turned 20 years old, everyone had started to communicate more and be understanding for one another.

As an adult, I still have problems speaking up with my mom and siblings as well as opening up to people. What my family caused have given me permanent emotional damage. I'm not sure if this can be fixed if I am being honest.

"I know I never bothered to listen to y'all, even when you begged me to listen. But I am sorry for that and I am here for you now."

That's what my mom told me a few days ago. It warmed me up inside when she said that. Her apology meant everything to me. It's what I wanted most from her.

(Even though my bio says I right realistic fiction and all, this is the only thing I've written that is actually true)