Mosaic

I gaze at the stranger that stands in front of me, staring at me. She’s a reflection of me that I can’t recognize anymore. When I lean closer to her, I notice that her eyes are like small windows. I could see everything she was keeping inside of her. I saw all of her sadness, pain, and anger. She still had a small remnant of her soul left, lingering somewhere deep inside there. But despite all of the darkness and hurt, I saw through her lifeless eyes, I saw something that caught my attention. It was a small little glint of something that I haven’t seen in a while… I saw love.

When I saw this I felt a sharp pain in my chest like a knife stabbing through my heart. A rush of emotions overcame me and without thinking about it I started to cry out, “No one knows me, or understands me, or even listens to me.” As I say this I can’t help thinking: What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop all of these emotions from gushing out? Why am I so upset? I angrily raise my fist up in the air, my reflection does the same. I shout, “Nobody loves me!” That’s when our fists collide and in a matter of seconds, the glass shatters. I watch as millions of tiny fractals fall onto the carpet. I stand, helplessly staring at the remnants of what- just moments ago- used to be the only other person that’s ever been there for me when no one else was. “I am.. truly alone here.” I whispered, turning my eyes away from the broken mirror.

Suddenly I heard a whisper. I turned around and saw no one. Then I heard it again, this time coming from a shard of glass from the mirror. The girl was still staring at me, sadness filling her eyes at the look of my pathetic self. “I still love you” She whispered to me. I caught a reflection of myself in her eyes and I immediately fell to my knees. I started to sob uncontrollably to the point where my lungs were gasping for air. It was at that moment I realized why I was so upset. She isn’t the one who's broken... I’m the one who's broken.

- - - - - - -

Here I am a few nights later, laying on my bed staring off into nothingness. My mirror is still lying in pieces on my carpet on the other side of the room. I haven’t had the motivation to or strength to pick it up. I’m tired. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame the people in my life for it. All of this self-hate and suffering I’ve been going through isn’t some strange twisted revenge plan on them for everything. I just truly believe that I will never stop feeling like this empty, worthless being. My want for love and validation will never be satiated. No one can ever give me that. Why would they? No matter what I do, I always do something wrong. I fail at everything and deep down I know that somehow I am so fundamentally fucked up that I can’t even live right. I don’t deserve to live... I don’t even want to live. Everyone would be better off without me anyway. If I died I wouldn’t have to bear this constant, overwhelming pain anymore. I am truly, honestly tired of this. Tired of the pain, tired of life- just... tired.

- - - - - - -

This is the right decision, I tell myself as I lift my long, tired body onto a block of wood I had in my closet. It’s the only way out.

It’s been a couple of hours since I went to bed. Surprise, surprise! I couldn’t sleep so now I’m standing here, staring into the round- tied rope I made for myself months ago. As I stretched my neck forward, I began to feel something that I couldn’t explain. I felt a force holding me back from the noose, even though that shouldn’t be possible since I was the only one living in this apartment. Am I hallucinating? Is this even real? Is it just some part of my primordial subconscious trying desperately to keep me alive? Or was this something beyond anything I could comprehend? If this were to happen to me when I was younger, I would’ve probably thought it was God or some angel that was trying to protect me from myself. But I don’t believe in any of that anymore. I stopped believing years ago. That explanation is void to me now. Maybe.. some part of me didn’t actually want to die?

As much as tried to go through with it I just couldn’t... I couldn’t.

- - - - - - -

The sun is starting to rise now. Golden honey colors dripping from my window blinds onto my walls. I still can’t figure out why I pulled my head from that noose… again. Maybe I’m just too scared to kill myself, I think to myself as I pull my knees up to my chest. A glint of light flashed into my eyes. When I shift my gaze, I see that the sunlight was caught by all of the broken glass. It reflected off of them and turned my room into something beautiful. It was almost like seeing stars at night... but while the sun was rising. As I looked around, a sudden thought popped into my head. I remember the girl in my mirror looking at me. Despite what I did to her, despite how broken we both were, she still said... “I love you.”

Suddenly I got up with a feeling I haven’t felt in a while. I walked over to my broken mirror and picked up one of the pieces. I took a deep breath and put it back on the wall. I picked up another and another until eventually, the mirror was back in place.

I realized that it wasn’t my consciousness or my fear telling me to step away from the noose. It was the small glint of love for myself that I saw in my reflection a few days back. I might still have a lot to fix and I might still feel broken at times, but now whenever I see my reflection in the mirror, I see a beautiful mosaic of a girl who’s slowly learning how to love herself again.