Lonely..

Look around you and see who’s in your circle. Family and friends and acquaintances that you communicate with and see on a daily basis, those that are there for you and you for them...

Find them in your mind.

Now, look again and don’t lie this time and ask yourself who is really with you?

You tag an old friend on social media because it just reminded you that years ago you took a trip together, and you laugh with emoji‘s because you remember when you laughed in real life, when you lying on that beach, when you tried on those outfits and spent hours unveiling your true self to another person and it all comes back and it feels as if it’s present.

The past tricks you into believing that it’s your reality still. But how long has it been since you’ve actually seen that friend? Since they’ve actually looked for you, checked on you, wondering if you’re even alive.

It’s really sad when it’s a pandemic and you’re lonelier than you’ve ever been, even though you do have people near you that love you, that are unconditionally there for you.

But we need different kinds of people for different kinds of things. My husband is my husband, but he is not my friend. My child is my everything, but she is not my friend. I have dreams of my former best friend who left me for another one—she did. I told her so. She doesn’t see it.

But she’s not present in my life right? She just consumes my nightmares, where I ask her why she’s gone. She’s gone because someone else took my place.

Before I was married I had a lot of single friends because I was single too and we shared that struggle, those stories, that support system was in place. And now where are they? They believe that I don’t need them, because happily ever after is everyone’s goal, is it not?

I am walking around needing ghosts. Wondering how I have become an apparatiom, something that has vanished, something that people have forgotten.

I suffer from anxiety, I crave an outlet other than my husband and my therapist to vent, to exhale. It’s interesting how one day you can have a crew, that group of friends that is unbreakable, and then someone takes someone else’s side and they forget about you, or they move on in their life or they get too caught up and you’re forgotten even though you’ve tried to show them you need them.

But when you were struggling you still reached out to them, you still remembered to look out for them to ask them how they were, to remind them that regardless of what you’re going through that you are a friend.

So where are they? Where are they now? Still alive, they’re here yet they exist on another plane. On a parallel existence living their lives alongside others, in lives that no longer include you. So where does that leave you?

Are you the parallel universe,

the enigma,

the déjà vu?

Is that what I am? Unworthy, easily forgotten? Disposable?

We all have bad days, tomorrow might be better, tomorrow might be a day that I don’t feel like writing this down. But today is one of those days and as a writer if you don’t get it down on paper, if you don’t spill onto the page what’s in your heart, you just know that you’ll explode.

I have no answers, I just had to get this out.

Thank you for reading through my explosion. I hope that you were not hurt in the blast.