Leaving Westview

Two weeks ago, I finally got around to watching WandaVision. I wish I'd done it sooner.

Because, I'm happy to report, I am now fourteen days sober, and this popular television show, first released in January of this year, has played a big role in making that possible.

I have written openly about my struggles with maladaptive daydreaming, a condition that causes excessive daydreaming, exacerbating a normal behavior to such an extreme degree that daily functions become difficult. Maladaptive daydreaming is still being researched by mental health professionals and has not yet been added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

For me, this disorder has gone hand-in-hand with addiction. It's easier to dissociate when I'm not sober, which means that my dependency on daydreaming has also made me reliant on the harmful substances that make it possible for me to do it. This has been the case for over four years.

WandaVision, the first installment of Phase Four of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), follows Avenger Wanda Maximoff, who has been shattered by the death of romantic partner Vision in the Battle of Wakanda five years prior. In order to avoid accepting this painful reality, Wanda creates for herself a perfect world in which she can live out her happily ever after with a recreated version of Vision. She immerses herself in this false reality, set in the town of Westview, as a way of evading her trauma rather than facing it.

Wanda is essentially maladaptive daydreaming; the difference is that, as the powerful 'Scarlet Witch,' she is capable of actually manifesting her dreams into a fragile reality. Rather than coming to terms with the loss of her partner, Wanda suppresses this truth and uses her abilities to take the town and its inhabitants under her control.

Maladaptive daydreaming is often a response to trauma, a way of dissociating and pushing aside emotional pain. Maladaptive daydreamers report preferring the fictional worlds they have constructed to the real one; they use these made-up storylines as a way of experiencing the lives they wish they could live. Like Wanda, people with this condition know that these fantasies aren't real; they just don't care.

Watching WandaVision, I saw myself in this character. As the clues came together and the perfect illusion that she had fabricated began to crumble, I couldn't ignore the parallels between Wanda's tenuous method of escapism and my own. I found that it was easy to judge her for refusing to come to grips with reality, and I became uncomfortably aware that I was guilty of the same unhealthy behavior.

But it was the show's final scene that truly drove home the realization that it was time for me to make a change. The image of Wanda alone in her cabin, finally coming to terms with her grief, inspired me to face my own trauma. And to do that, I knew that I'd have to get sober and stop depending on the substances that for years I have abused to numb my pain.

So I did. After binge-watching WandaVision in one night and attending a mental health-oriented church service for work the next morning, I decided to try getting sober for what felt like the millionth time. The sermon I attended included an anecdote about a pastor who had named her depression 'Francis,' and I decided to label my own demons, calling my maladaptive daydreaming 'Wanda' and my addiction 'Agatha.' Putting these problems in this context gave me a different framework from which to view them, making it easier to see them for the harmful habits they were.

And so far, so good. After deliberating about whether or not to indulge in the occasional "cheat day," I've decided to refrain from breaking the fourteen-day streak I've worked so hard for. Over the past two weeks, I've become more productive, clear-headed, and energetic. And—as a quick glance at my Vocal profile will reveal—I'm back in the writing game, which quickly landed me on the homepage with an unexpected Top Story.

And I haven't just gotten sober. For fourteen days (okay, thirteen—I did miss one), I have consistently taken my medication, something that, due to a mental block that makes taking pills completely nauseating (my gag reflex is kicking in just from writing this paragraph), has been incredibly difficult in the past. I haven't been able to take the medication that I need for years, but somehow I've found the strength to do it now.

Fighting through the nausea, agitation, insomnia (I'm writing this story at two in the morning), and utter exhaustion that accompany getting sober has made for a rough two weeks. But each time I feel like giving up, I picture Wanda sitting on the steps of her cabin, and I know that going back to that unreality isn't an option. Just as she couldn't return to her fantasy world in Westview, I can't return to mine.

While I haven't totally left Wanda behind, I'm kicking Agatha's ass, and I have no plans of letting up. I know that Vocal and its supportive community will play a big role in my sobriety going forward, as I channel this newfound energy into more productive outlets and use my writing as a healthier form of coping. I'm keeping my eyes on the vision, and in doing so, I'm going to create a new, better life for myself.

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