I Thought It Was Me

For a long time I thought something was wrong with me.

It wasn’t some big thing I could just describe to anyone. It sat there in the background, with this ongoing feeling like I didn’t have what other people seemed to carry around so easily. I figured maybe I came off as too sensitive, hard to deal with. Or that I wanted more from situations than made sense and maybe that I fell short in spots I couldn’t see but everyone else picked up on right away.

So I started trying to fix it all by working on myself.

I got into the habit of watching every word I said, and later I’d go over whole talks in my head, thinking about how I sounded and what I could have done differently. Should I hold back more? Should I keep my feelings dialed down or hide the messy parts? Should I stop asking so much from the people close to me?

And any time things felt off with someone, I looked at my own part in it first. My reactions, my emotions, my hopes, they all turned into something I needed to sort out if I wanted things to get better.

I kept at it for years. I got better at staying in conversations, dealing with tricky moments without letting everything spill over, and feeling more sure of myself day to day. There were times when life felt smoother and I thought I was turning a corner.

But that unsettled sense never went away completely. I’d finish up time with certain people and walk away feeling mixed up, going back over parts where my confidence just evaporated. I’d start doubting choices I felt good about only a little while before. Yet each time I’d convince myself it just showed I needed to keep grinding away at my own issues.

I didn’t realize back then how the doubt had built up in me. People brushed off what I felt so many times that I began doing it to myself without noticing. They’d challenge how I saw things, and after a while I stopped putting full weight on my own take. Disappointments started feeling like they landed on me. Arguments always seemed to circle around and point out where I came up short.

I was walking around with their picture of me like it was the real one.

It didn’t need any outright harshness to stick. It could be as simple as a sigh when I brought up something that was important to me, or how any give and take always seemed one sided.

Yeah…you start feeling like you’re not measuring up without them ever saying it straight. You feel bad for wanting what you need, as if just having those needs causes the trouble. It starts feeling like you’re bombing some test you didn’t sign up for. Since nothing stood out as a clear breaking point, I kept hunting for answers inside my own head.

Then I ran into someone who handled things in a whole other way. Could have been a friend I made, someone I was seeing, or even a person at work who actually tuned in when I talked.

Being around them, that constant mix of confusion started fading. I could throw out an idea and it just got treated like a normal thought. If I messed up on something, it stayed as a plain mistake instead of turning into a mark against me overall.

Talks wrapped up and I felt better, more alive, instead of wiped out.

At the start that change felt off, like I wasn’t used to it after so long in the old setup. But as it kept going, it brought this growing calm.

The idea came together over time: maybe nothing was actually broken in me to begin with. Maybe my reactions fit the setups I was in, the ones that kept throwing me sideways. The ongoing unease came from those who left me feeling that way long after we split. The idea that I took up too much room came from places where only a dialed back version of me worked.

Taking that in felt unbearable right away. It meant a lot of the weight I carried around wasn’t mine from the start.

I remembered all the times I said sorry when it wasn’t called for. All the effort I put into squeezing myself to match what they seemed to want. All the times I ignored what my gut told me because the other person acted so sure. Seeing those years add up brought a real sadness for how much went to waste.

Still, getting to that point cleared space for something easier ahead. Once I stopped jumping to the idea that every bump started with me, I began paying more attention to everything around me. I saw who left me feeling even and okay after we hung out. Who went along with my limits without making me argue for them. Who gave room for me to show up as I am, thoughts and all, without me having to tweak everything to keep things smooth.

Bit by bit this changed how I went through my days. I stopped judging how I was doing based on how people reacted when they weren’t really looking to get me. I started believing what I went through again.

The question I used to ask all the time, about what was off with me, lost its hold. Something softer took over: why did I go along with feeling that way through so many stretches?

Figuring that out points somewhere solid. It doesn’t dig up some secret issue I need to patch. But it led me to the people and setups that shaped how I saw myself, more than I ever caught onto before.

The ones we spend time with affect our sense of worth way deeper than it seems on the surface. Getting better doesn’t always mean turning into a brand new version of yourself. A lot of it comes down to making enough space from the spots and voices that got me believing I had some core problem all along.

From there I started choosing people and places that built me up instead of wearing me down, and the whole thing feels more like it belongs to me now.

This keeps happening in pieces, day after day and choice after choice. I notice when old ways try to creep back in, and instead of diving straight into blaming myself I look at what’s going on around me. The relief grows as I pick spots that let me be without always explaining or cutting parts off.

What started as me hunting alone for my own faults turned into seeing how we all affect each other’s view of ourselves.

And in that, there’s room to keep going with more kindness toward the person I used to pick apart so much, and toward the whole path that led me here.

It also made me realize, nobody can define me. I am whole and I am me even without them.