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I don't want to kill you

My Child knows I'm not ready

By KodahPublished 3 months ago โ€ข 4 min read

There's an unknown hand in the darkness. That's it, I can't describe it to you. It's just a hand, that's unknown and it's in darkness. All I can really tell you about this hand is that it seems very passionate about my stomach. As if there's a surprise hiding beneath me like it's ready to open a jack in a box. I wonder why this unknown hand likes my stomach so much. I like that name, unknown hand.

The grey mist of the unknown hand gently rubs its fingers along my stomach. I like that feeling, it makes me feel safe. 3 fingers, 2 fingers, 1 finger circling the centre of my stomach. I feel a breeze of comfort like I'm not the only one in this darkness.

But wait.

Why am I in this darkness?

Why am I alone?

Where even am I....

"In this darkness."


Who said that.

"I did."

"Who is "I did"?"- I say searching for the voice as if I could see anything.

"You know, you have a really soft stomach."- The fingers continue circling my stomach.

I try to remain calm. But I can, I really like the touch of those fingers. It feels warm, it feels secure.

"Who are you?"- I question.

"That doesn't matter."- The voice softens.

"Well, it does, because you're touching my stomach."

The voice giggles. "Ohh how humorous I would've been."

"What does that supposed to mean."

"Well, you're pretty humorous, aren't you?"

"You could say... Wait, wait. What do I have to do with you?"

"Now you've asked. Can I suggest something?"

"I don't understand."- I say highly confused.

"It's an innocuous question."- The voice softens even more.

"Go ahead."- I say as if I'm surrendering.

"You should kill me."

The voice softens even softer than before.


"That didn't sound very innocuous."

My stomach growls...

"Hmph."- The voice is still softened.

"I'm not capable of putting myself through any of that. I have a child coming, I'm learning to focus on things I love again."

"Your not ready yet."

"And who are you to tell me that?"

"Your child."



"What do you mean, my child?"

"You're not ready yet, Kodah."


"Yes, I am..."- I say persistently.

"No, you're not. You can't even take care of yourself."

I let out a big sigh. "I just thought maybe having you would make me realize that I do still care about the things I love, I need motivation."

"Who said you were ever going to love me the way you thought of it? Your not ready, Kodah."

"I'm not killing you."

"I'm just trying to protect us, Kodah."

"How so?"

"Well, miscarriages happen for a reason. The lord takes the soul away if its impactful to the mother and child."

"Are you saying I'm going to miscarriage?"

"Not if you kill me first..."

"I don't want to kill you, though."

"I suggest you should. You'll see me in the afterlife."

"What are you achieving by this..."

"I'm just trying to save both of us, Kodah."



The Next Day:

My trembling hands, I stared at the plastic stick resting silently on the bathroom counter. My heart is pounding in my ears as the seconds crawled by at an agonizing pace. A mix of fear and tentative hope swirled within me, I feel dizzy and unsteady.

And unprepared....

I knew my life would be forever changed based on the result of this simple test. Though I was young, I felt aged beyond her years in this moment. The weight of it all threatened to crush me as I considered the implications of a positive result.

I close my eyes and whisper a prayer. I hope the unknown hand is with me. The unknown of who I will never truly meet. I hope it's circling my stomach the same way it did in the darkness. The timer on my phone beeps, jolting me back to the present. It was time to face my fate.

With a deep, shuddering breath, I steeled myself and looked down. Tears pooled in my eyes.

It was only 1 line...

I close my eyes, in the hope of taking me back to the darkness. The darkness where only I existed, where I thought only I existed. Come back to me~

A soft presence of orange mist hit me like a wave. I can't quite see it, but I can feel it. Feel it?

"๐’ฅ๐“Š๐“ˆ๐“‰ ๐“€๐‘’๐‘’๐“… ๐“Œ๐’ถ๐’พ๐“‰๐’พ๐“ƒ๐‘”, ๐‘œ๐“ƒ๐‘’ ๐’น๐’ถ๐“Ž ๐“Œ๐‘’'๐“๐“ ๐“‚๐‘’๐‘’๐“‰ ๐’พ๐“ƒ ๐’ถ๐“ƒ๐‘œ๐“‰๐’ฝ๐‘’๐“‡ ๐“Š๐“ƒ๐’พ๐“‹๐‘’๐“‡๐“ˆ๐‘’."


Authors Notes:

Thank you for reading my story!

This story is about abortion, but also about how one can be ready to move on to a new pathway of their life but there are still some decisions to be made.

advicepanic attacksCONTENT WARNINGanxiety

About the Creator


- Storyteller, Love/Romance, Poetry, Dark, Mental health, Psychological, Surreal, Nature, Mythical

~๐“ข๐“ฝ๐“ธ๐“ป๐“ฒ๐“ฎ๐“ผ ๐“ฌ๐“ช๐“ท ๐“ซ๐“ฎ ๐“ช ๐“ต๐“ฒ๐“ฝ๐“ฝ๐“ต๐“ฎ ๐“ญ๐“ฎ๐“ฎ๐“น~

Reader insights


Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

Top insights

  1. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

  2. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

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Comments (10)

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  • Kageno Hoshino2 months ago

    Wow, and I though I am living hard life, hope you are and keep having the best days in your life, And how's your condition now??

  • Cathy holmes3 months ago

    Wow. That was raw, and heartbreaking. Well done.

  • Gosh, I'm so sorryyyyy this happened to you!! ๐Ÿฅบ๐Ÿฅบ I can only imagine the emotional turmoil you went through! Are you okay now?

  • Carrie 3 months ago

    Picture, story , everything was outstanding about this piece!

  • Hannah Moore3 months ago

    This is such a journey in anguish.

  • Jade Loson3 months ago

    Sad but beautiful story Kodahโค๏ธ

  • Lunaverse3 months ago

    Aw this was really sad โ˜น๏ธ They were just trying to protect eachother๐Ÿฅบ Loved this story! โค๏ธ

  • Caroline Craven3 months ago

    Your writing is so strong.

  • Priya P.3 months ago

    Omg this was sooo good. Crazy good. Such a complicated but artistically beautiful story.โค๏ธ

  • Marysol Ramos3 months ago

    This. This was intensely beautiful. It felt like my heart stopped at a point. Well done, Kodah.

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