How Do We Actually Find Happiness?

Conduct any survey about how people feel, or what they desire most, and happiness will be right at the top of their list. We all yearn for happiness, because we believe it will make a great deal of difference to our life quality, but most of us are not even sure what it is, or how to get it.

According to the UK government, happiness is a measure of life satisfaction, feeling that whatever we do is worthwhile when rated against the anxiety we might feel. For example, for 2020, the first year of the pandemic in the country, happiness level dropped by 1.1%, compared with 2019, while anxiety levels rose by over 3%, the highest level for 10 years. The fact that happiness is now an official measurement of wellbeing, shows its importance to our life quality.

So what is happiness?

The biggest error in understanding happiness is treating it as something we search for with a distant destination, or an external prize to be captured. When happiness is viewed as something outside of ourselves, we then fall into the trap of conditional living - believing that fulfilment lies just beyond the next promotion, the next relationship, or the next milestone. This only creates a perpetual state of postponement, where the present moment is reduced to a staging post and means to an end, leaving us feeling perpetually anxious, inadequate, and unfulfilled.

In fact, there are a few key things about happiness we need to know before we can truly appreciate it.

• Happiness does not come from the approval of others. That approach tends to forces us to trade authenticity for acceptance. By letting others set the rules and dictate your worth, you would become second-best in your own life. True contentment begins when you align your choices with your own core values.

• Happiness is rarely found in feeling total ease or avoiding discomfort. It is built through meaningful engagement with life. Choosing to step into the arena - like taking intentional risks, facing necessary truths, and recognising your capabilities - tend to build a deep sense of self-trust that external circumstances cannot affect.

• Fleeting pleasures might offer a temporary sense of elation and joy, but they act as shields rather than permanent cures, for any underlying discontent because happiness is not the same as 'pleasure'. We get momentary pleasure from material things, like buying a favourite book, a new car, or a smart phone, items that add to the quality of life. But the key word here is 'momentary'. Pleasure is always fleeting, tending to fade away as soon as the novelty wears off. By contrast, fulfilment emerges from purpose, self-respect, and authentic connection with others. It requires nurturing relationships built on mutual care and trust, rather than purely transactional acts.

• Much of our unhappiness stems from resisting reality - clinging to how things "should" be rather than acknowledging what is. We desire the fairy-tale ending so much, we would rather pretend about our situation that face the face tough outcomes, or past mistakes, with radical honesty, rather than deflection.

The Root of True Happiness

Real, lasting happiness is not a fleeting state of high emotion; it is the stable presence of internal congruence within ourselves. It’s not something we can ‘find’ because happiness is also a stable state of mind that is based on our sense of worth; a feeling which we generate whenever we wish, according to the level of self-love we possess and the positivity in our lives. If we feel great, we are unstoppable.

It doesn't take anything special to make us happy because happiness is integral to our lives. We feel good about ourselves so we feel good about others and our world. If we feel little love for ourselves, especially when we have not been treated well, or with any value, happiness tends to be elusive. Others can share our happiness, perhaps enhance it in some way, or even reduce it temporarily through hurt, but they cannot create or maintain it for us. Only we can do that. We have to feel happy in the first place before someone else can share it.

Too many people view happiness as some kind of destination, tied up with their jobs and goals etc., always seeking that happiness through their actions, until they find it, hopefully, and are forever happy. But happiness is not a physical entity that is achievable by just actions. It's an emotional one which is enabled purely by how we FEEL about ourselves: our bodies, our worth, our relationships, our work, and all the things that matter to us. In short, the more dissatisfied we are about ourselves, the more unhappy we tend to be, no matter what we are achieving, or the possessions we have. Hence why, if we are unhappy at work, or in a relationship, we will seldom feel good until it is sorted.

When we truly love and appreciate ourselves, and feel contented within us about life, there is a sense of inner joy, purpose and peace. It doesn't mean that we never feel down or unhappy. Far from it. We get the down days, too, but they are far fewer than those of the unhappy person and, most important, we are able to quickly rise above any adversity rather than dwelling on it because we KNOW setbacks are only TEMPORARY, which helps us to feel more empowered to ride the storm and enhance our state.

Happiness starts with the opinion we have of ourselves. That is the foundation. If we don't like ourselves, don't accept ourselves, and are always finding fault with who we are, it forms the bedrock of unhappiness. Nothing else in life will compensate for that, not even the love or value of others. Hence if we think we're 'ugly', 'stupid', or 'losers’, for example, nothing will make us happy until we change that perception to a more positive one. Cue the surprising suicides of many famous people who seem to have it all yet suddenly end their lives. That's why our childhood treatment is so crucial, because once we feel excluded, insignificant, undervalued or unappreciated in our youth, happiness becomes elusive in adulthood, until those emotional feelings are resolved.

I once told a fellow whom I loved that his love for me was the icing on the cake, but the love for myself was the cake itself! I was supremely happy with me, and regarded any other attention as a bonus, not the main item. He was surprised by my statement, interpreting it that I didn't really love him, but it was actually the opposite. I was able to love him lots through loving myself first.

Let me explain: Loving myself exactly as I am, I could appreciate him as a whole being, too, with all his faults, and allow space for us both to develop as individuals, and as a couple. If I were expecting his love to make me happy, we wouldn't really last too long because one, or both of us, would gradually become dependent upon the other, clinging like limpets for our happiness, until the relationship becomes claustrophobic or a victim of resentment and jealousy. However, I didn't always feel like this. My self-love has been a gradual and painful process due to hurtful traumas in my childhood.

Too many people seeking partners tend to say that they are seeking someone to 'make' them 'laugh' or to 'make' them 'happy'. Yet every relationship should have two 100% whole people, not two halves seeking someone else to complete them! We cannot postpone happiness until we get that new job, that new house or that new man or woman, because, if we are looking into the future for that happiness, we are looking in the wrong place.

How Thoughts Control Happiness

It is worth remembering that happiness is maintained by our THOUGHTS. If all we have for company are negative, self critical thoughts, always finding fault with ourselves and regretting our actions, we are not likely to feel happiness. We will feel a sense of unease, of inadequacy, of low esteem and anxiety. Once we feel good about us, there is an air of contentment which carries us routinely through our days; acting as a kind of buffer against the setbacks of our world. 

A key point to note is that true happiness doesn't mean we are laughing clowns or people without problems. It means that, feeling good within us, those problems, stresses or bad times are minimised instead of being exaggerated. They don't get the chance to take hold of us, or last too long, because our natural happiness overwhelms them as quickly as possible. Our positive thought patterns ensure that we don't get mired into despair or anxiety for too long. We might fall, but we bounce right back up quickly with a smile of confidence, knowing that every setback in life is only ever temporary. We can gradually find the answers. That also explains why some people with few material things in life are often much happier than those who are better off.

In essence, happiness is not something to be found hidden in the world. It is a deep sense of contentment with the self, together with high self-value, and confidence in who we are. It is tied up with how we feel emotionally, especially if we are feeling valued, wanted, included, significant and beautiful. Happiness then becomes an automatic part of our being, and a natural state of empowerment which gets rid of the self-limiting narratives, replacing them with authenticity and self-love.

If you yearn to be happy, perhaps you need to start appreciating YOU some more. Stop looking on the dark side of life, when there is also a bright sunny side. Stop being so self-critical and start being more nurturing, gracious and thankful for what you have been blessed with - the wonderful person who has survived so far, when many others haven't made it. Stop taking things and people for granted. Let go of the fear and simply live life as it comes. Happiness is there for us every day, if we would like to have it. But it will only reveal itself through self acceptance, positivity and self-belief.