Can I Teach My Partner Self-Love To Help Her Low Self-Esteem?

The answer to this question might not sound positive, but it is highly practical. You cannot teach anyone self-love because loving the self does not come from external forces, or other people. It comes from how we were treated in childhood: whether we were appreciated or not, or shown real value for who we are, and also whether our relationships since then have changed that experience or reinforced it. Self-esteem, which comes out of self-love, has to be built internally, because a lack of self-love is indicative of an absence of self-acceptance, a feeling of inadequacy, and being worthless.

Thus you cannot teach her about herself. You can only show her, in your own way, that you love and care for her. She has to help herself because low self-esteem is a rejection of the self, a loathing for who she is, and when we don’t like ourselves, it is difficult for us to appreciate that others actually like us. We would find it hard to believe, perhaps thinking they are being insincere, and always questioning that love. In fact, it becomes hard work after a time trying to convince someone of low esteem what wonderful and unique human beings they are, because they can only see their faults, and have no self-belief in their abilities, talents or goodness.

The concept of self-love has been around since the time of the Greeks, promoted by Aristotle, in particular. According to him, “people who love themselves to achieve unwarranted personal gain are bad, but those who love themselves to achieve virtuous principles are the best sort of good”. Fast forward to 1956 when the psychologist, Erich Fromm proposed that loving the self was actually about caring for the self and taking responsibility for it. This concept of self-love was different 'from being arrogant, conceited or egocentric'. Even more recently, in 2008, the American Association of Suicidology, researched the impact of self-love and low self-esteem on mental health, discovering that their absence in the individual increases the risk of suicide.

Generally, people who have low self-esteem tend to be perfectionists who somehow never measure up to their own high expectations, in their own eyes. They are constantly comparing themselves to others, beating themselves up for any perceived error or fault. They find it hard to trust, and believe that everyone else is better than they are. In short, their life is dominated by FEAR, which is fed and maintained by the negative experiences they might have had, and which fuels their suspicions and the real fear of never being good enough. Based on an unrealistic assumption of perfection in others, this fear causes them to place themselves well below others, always comparing themselves in a futile way which makes them seem even more unworthy in their own eyes.

Only the low esteem person can change their situation by learning to love herself. But loving the self is not an easy thing to do. It is very difficult to change years of negative treatment and a lack of reinforcement into something positive and wholesome. Someone once said that we are "prisoners of our own experiences". If we were brought up on persistent abuse, we will assume that behaviour to be not only morally right, but also regard it as the accepted practice everywhere else, too. That perception would hold until our life experience widens sufficiently to show us otherwise.

What your partner needs is an acceptance of her own fallibility; to give herself some slack; to stop the impossible expectations and stop finding fault with herself. All you can do in the meantime, as a caring partner, is to reinforce any positive thing she says or does, while deliberately ignoring the negative ones. Encourage her gradually to be more positive about her life, especially giving gratitude for the people and blessings she has. Pay her regular compliments and keep affirming her as a valued and worthwhile persona. However, make sure, when you react to anything that is said, you mainly react to positive, enhancing things, and remain deliberately silent on any negative action that maintains the status quo.

In that way, she should hopefully welcome the positive attention you give, which should make her want to act in ways that get her even more of it. But helping people of low self-esteem is no easy task because the responsibility for their feelings lies entirely with them, not with anyone else. You can only be a solid and understanding support whenever she needs it.

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