Bringer of light

“I hear voices but you don't believe me, when you believe in God but you never heard him! » Patsy Hage

She remained unanswered, but she still dont give up.

One day she would understand what are those voices in her head.

At first glance, she seemed completely sane, but deeper down there lurked a serious illness: schizoaffective disorder.

Having herself studied this field -psychiatry- she knew perfectly well what she was suffering from, but could not do anything against her condition. Without resigning herself, she had tried to explain and understand the voices and the image that she seemed to be the only one to hear.

Imprisoned in her head, she nevertheless sought the keys to what she herself called ''madness'', in the outside world.

The patient was developing a plausible theory about schizophrenia.

As a psychiatrist, we are trained to know that there are different forms of schisophrenia, and that the causes are both biological and environmental. the conventional definition of the disorder includes, among other things, hallucinations.

The very definition of hallucination is to experience something that is not there.

The patient, in her late twenties particularly interested me. Her elaborate language, the way she had to stand proudly straight, despite her hospital gown, her curly hair that she braided carefully...

In fact, I could'nt contradict her theorie. Any scientist knows that it is impossible to prove that something does not exist.

Therefore, it is impossible to prove that spirits, God or extra-terrestrials does not exist. According to her, it was a question of being relative to a different intelligence from elsewhere, spirits. She claimed to have experienced a "memory" which she described as an abduction by entities, astrally, not physically.

Since this abduction, she had heard voices a few times from her 14 to 15 years, before they were muted until her 23 years, when the voices settled permanently and daily.

She related the facts in a logical and chronological order, so that a part of me believed it. According to her, the voices and images therefore came from being able to communicate with one person at a time.

I asked her about God, because I noticed a cross drawn on a paper in her room. She started explaining her point.

''What you have to understand is that there are many voices. I believe that some voices are mean, because they are older souls, who judge us on the basis of different cultures. These entities may be considered unforgivable faults yet considered minimal or even acceptable in other cultures.

Other entities simply criticize because they are in the field of hate.

An important parallel can be drawn with religion.

For the sake of the cause, I will opt for the Christian religion, but this parallel could also be made from other religions.

According to statistics, the more trauma you have suffered, the more you are likely to hear voices, which only you hear, and which have a negative connotation. This accords with the notion of martyrdom.

It is about asking why someone who suffers is considered holy. It would be possible to ask, then, why God wants to see suffer those whom he points out as cherishable, if he wants our good.

By asking this question, there is a questioning of God, and by this questioning, a certain confrontation felt with injustice. It makes one think of Lucifer, angel of light, who confronted god.

Lucifer was punished and sent to rule Hell.

In hell, he has to deal with demons, just as voice hearers have demons, evil voices, that they have to deal with.

It is a question of wondering if it is not normal to rebel in conditions of suffering.

I believe that Lucifer is benevolent, an angel remains an angel, even if he goes in another astral. Lucifer means "bringer of light".

If God created man in his own image, God is a sinner. And if Lucifer is the angel of rebellion, rebellion has many benefits, in a world of injustice. It's reminiscent of the famous phrase ''as every cop is a criminal, and all the sinners saints'' in the Rolling Stones song ''Sympathy for the Devil''

I take 6 drugs a day, to treat my disorder, when it could be a punishment from God for rebelling against a world that seemed unfair to me'' she said

''The Black book of psychoanalysis, published an article in which he denounces the “imposture” of the category "bipolar disorders", which, according to him, is more pharmaceutical marketing than psychopathology. (...)

Hallucination is the discourse of psychiatrists, while hearers will only talk about voices.'' Jocelin Morisson