A Grief Retreat In The Northwoods

We came together at a resort in the woods. The only other people up there at the time were fishermen and women, a few grouse hunters with their hunting dogs, and friends. It is quiet, especially if you come from a large city.

Husbands, kids, and pets were not welcome at our weekend retreat. Our phones were all hooked to Wi-Fi and at times we were asked to quiet them, to put them away, to try to let our electronics not be as available as they normally would be.

The trees are turning color, and the colors are beautiful. Bright yellow, red, and green are still in the mix, as various shades of orange, and very few have fallen yet, although the ones that have made the road, and walkways colorful.

The day before the participants arrived the team was there. Two grief facilitators, a yoga master, and a meditation master. There were two cars of supplies to unload and bring into the main cabin and put away.

There were husbands to load and unload at the end of the weekend at home. They are supportive and helpful, which is so important. My husband knows that there will be leftover goodies that he will have the opportunity for, especially since the baker's husband is abstaining until October.

There were decorations, gifts for all, homemade soup, special items for a tea party, and more. Of course, we still had to haul a lot back. My vehicle was not as full as on the trip to the retreat.

The fresh food would be arriving the next day in another vehicle, prior to the guests’ arrival. The food was picked up directly from the store having been ordered ahead of time.

We started day one with 15 women as planned. Because we started at noon on Friday there was settling in, and lunch that needed to happen. We talked about what brought us to the retreat and after lunch, we had a talking circle, where we talked of loss.

That amount of loss can be overwhelming. We smudged and had the smudge burning while people were crying. Even though some of the women were new to each other, you could feel the closeness beginning to happen.

Our smudge consists of sage, sweetgrass, cedar, and chaga. All medicines I was told to use over 40 years ago for grieving. I was told to burn the medicines if someone was crying in the circle. The eagle feather was given to me at the same time to use with groups.

I am almost 70 years old, so why was it just over 40 years? Our Native people got our religious freedom in 1978. The first time I smudged at 12, was with hippies. The man holding the smudge said, “It cleans your aura man.”

We had weather that allowed us to have our circle outdoors as the resort does not allow smoke or smudging indoors.

At dinner, we were told that a message had come from family for two cousins that one of their stepsons has cancer and may be dying and that he was in the hospital. They had decided they had to go.

They loaded their vehicle, and we said our goodbyes along with asking that they do good self-care.

Another woman got a call from her daughter who lived close saying that she needed to go to the hospital and that since her mother was close, could she watch her 3 children while her husband took her to the hospital. She didn’t want to go but didn’t see that she had any other choice.

We were now at 12 women. The retreat business owner said that was the first time anyone had to leave early. We finished our day around 8:00 p.m. We laughed and we cried. There was clear permission to do both. Sometimes we as humans need that permission.

The next morning began with yoga. Later in the day, there was meditation, as it was raining the walk was postponed. We had an art class that everyone loved.

We used Derwent watercolor pencils that were like colored pencils but then added the brush and a little water and it was paint or watercolor art. Easy to use to trace something or pick out a design already available or do your own. There was a great variety of finished products.

We had yoga at 7:30 on the first morning and 8:30 on the last morning. It was great. We heard our guest speaker tell her story about how she was told she would give her baby up for adoption as a young teen mom.

She then talked about her first husband with MS and how he committed suicide. She spoke of the rumors and the trauma that followed. She shared the reuniting with her adopted daughter and how she found her after her daughter turned 18.

Our team was the four already mentioned and then the rest of the team were helpers in the kitchen with the food. They received a discount for providing that service.

Our retreat leader asked that we use music throughout the retreat to switch topics and play on short breaks. We either have skits or sing-alongs that provide humor and lightheartedness. Both are important when dealing with grief, as people need to know we don’t have to stay in tears.

Laughter can be right around the corner. That was a sample of how that works without an extensive explanation. There was a short explanation, and it was included in the gift booklet they all received.

Both facilitators shared the death of loved ones from their experience. My feeling though is I am there to work, so I am going to share what I have already dealt with, as did my co-facilitator.

At the time of the retreat, my daughter was being tested for cancer. On Saturday she sent a message cancer-free! I almost screamed it and everyone clapped. I also knew that a friend was dying. I heard she died right after the good news about my daughter.

At times I was preoccupied. I am a professional, doing the very best I can with the participants. It is not new for me and sometimes we are on automatic pilot. It made me more vulnerable though and my cofacilitator picked that up and took care of me too.

I had other surprises too. We were all asked to let go of 5 things. Character defects, anger, resentments, negative thoughts about ourselves, etc. I didn’t expect what came up for me. Actual surprises. I have participated in this exercise at least 4 times before.

Then we had everyone commit to good self-care. What were they going to do for themselves.

As we ended our day, there was enough family alcoholism involved in our group, that some guests asked for a family meeting that guests could choose to participate in or not, and we had a first step, on Saturday night.

It was a long day for everyone.

We had hats and aprons for a tea party. People dressed in layers and some went to the lake for a quick swim, while others took walks around the resort. We all looked a little like the woman in the photo! JK! I would have to say most looked nothing like the woman above.

We were asked to talk about addiction, which we did after yoga, following breakfast on our last morning together.

What we heard over and over was how people related to different parts of everyone’s story. It says you are not alone in your trauma or in your grief and loss. And we went from women that knew very little to nothing about each other or from the Me’s to the We’s, as some like to say!

We ended the retreat the next morning by asking for overall feedback and for something they may want to say to one person. That was great! The retreat was a success! We played girls just want to have fun as a closing song that morning, while guests packed to leave.

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Published first by Mindful Mental Health in medium.com