5 Rules to Gain Respect and Become an Influential Leader

"Respect for ourselves guides our values; respect for others guides our behaviors." - Laurence Sterne

Do you feel that others don't listen to you, don't consider your feelings, or never hold your ideas in mind? In the end you seem to not matter to others, you are taken for granted.

This happens when you are not given enough respect: respect for your time, opinion and feelings and respect for the person you are today. To receive this respect in your personal or professional relationships, you must first respect yourself and then respect others.

This respect is not about admiration or wanting to be liked by others (that would be a whole other topic), but about having your rightful place in your relationships whatever they may be. This means not being taken for the fifth wheel, or not being part of the scenery during a discussion. To do this, here are 5 essential rules to understand in order to receive respect:

1. Show others that you respect yourself

Do you tend to make jokes about yourself? To make fun of your own actions? This will surely not help you to be respected by others. What you laugh about, and especially what you don't laugh about, defines the permissions you give to others.

Often, a strong tendency to self-deprecation is a sign of low self-esteem. If you don't want to be a joke to others, stop being one to yourself.

The way you talk about your life, your work, or yourself says a lot about you. Think of a person you respect more than anything. Would you describe their life in the same way as yours? Would you list their faults without even being asked? Notice the difference.

You don't need to brag, or shout your good qualities from the rooftops. But you don't have to forget the values that drive you. Here are some examples:

1. "I work hard."
2. "I am a good friend."
3. "I truly care about others."
4. "I am trustworthy and responsible."
5. "I am determined and persistent."
6. "I am open and a good listener."

Dare to show others these values of yours. Show them through your behavior and don't betray them to please others, being yourself is priceless!

2. Set clear limits for others

If you feel that you are often taken advantage of, or that you are "too nice," these tips will be very important to you. The best way to prevent others from taking advantage of you is to set clear and enforceable boundaries.

Are there solicitations that you reluctantly accept so as not to "hurt" others? Those things you say yes to when your whole soul is telling you no? Again, you will notice that those who know how to say "no" paradoxically receive more "yes" from others. When you value your time, others stop taking you for granted.

Do you create strict rules that you will enforce on others? If you are disturbed at work all the time, address the people involved by telling them that you don't accept being disturbed from such and such a time, or that you are doing such and such a thing. Suggest an alternative solution where your needs and those of others are taken into account.

Also, take time to ask yourself why these people are doing this. Are they in the habit of taking others for granted? Have you given the impression that you are constantly available? In your communication, two things should be clear:

1. Why are these unwanted solicitations problematic for you?
2. What are the rules you will strictly enforce (the times you are available to others)?

If, despite several reminders, these people do not respect your limits, then it is time to use the big guns. You may have to cut off some of your "friends", or raise your voice if they continue to ignore your needs.

While this may seem harsh, not respecting yourself will get you nowhere. Building up frustration and ignoring your needs is only "backwards to jump", because all that frustration will eventually come out one way or another.

3. Make your voice heard

Many people have trouble getting respect because their voice is not heard. Others ignore them when they speak, cut them off, or speak at the same time as them.

Being heard is about having a presence. This presence allows you to gain the respect of the people around you (family, friends or colleagues). Here are a few tips to help you assert yourself:

1. Use the name of the person you are addressing.
2. Avoid using vocabulary that is too complex for the people in front of you.
3. Talk about things that interest others (the mistake would be to talk only about what interests you).
4. Ask questions about others to keep their attention. Also, use silences wisely to support your opinion.
5. Use your hands and body to communicate clearly. Your body language should reflect your confidence.
6. Maintain eye contact when you speak (don't stare at one person, but scan each person involved in the discussion).
7. Work on your voice and delivery to be better heard (this is especially important if you speak very softly or are not very articulate). Avoid speaking in a monotone by varying your tempo and tone when you speak. Also, ask for feedback from others on where you can improve your speech.
8. Reduce the amount of complaining (it won't help you be heard).

Also, if you are cut off or ignored, you can use the following phrases:

• "Just a second, I'd like to share my thoughts."
• "Thank you for letting me speak."
• "We've gotten off topic. What I was saying was..."
• "As I was saying before...."

Nonverbal communication can also be helpful: waving your hand or finger will automatically bring attention back to you and give you the opportunity to express yourself. Another good way to make yourself heard is to breathe in quickly and loudly.

Of course, the goal is not to constantly impose yourself. It is normal to be interrupted when the discussion is lively or when several people are speaking. The important thing is to stop being left out, especially if you have things to share.

4. Stop apologizing for everything

Have you gotten into the habit of constantly apologizing, even when you are not at fault? Be aware that this makes you lose credibility with others. Don't apologize for existing, or for things that are not in your control. So, instead of apologizing, get into the habit of thanking others when you ask for a favor from someone.

If you want to earn the respect of others, save your apologies for the times when you are truly sorry (for example, if you spilled your drink on someone). Constantly apologizing diminishes the effect of your apology. When you are really sorry, no one will believe it.

You have a right to your opinion. Whether it's an idea, a thought or a protest, don't be passive if you have something to say. Don't be afraid to voice your opinions and bring your ideas, even if it makes you a little nervous.

When we sacrifice our values and opinions to fit in, we disrespect ourselves. It is possible to express what you think without disrespecting others, this balance is called assertiveness.

If others are uncomfortable with who you are, your identity, your skills or your achievements, it is their problem, not yours. We often apply the golden rule "Treat others as you would like to be treated", but we forget the reciprocal: Treat yourself as you treat others, with respect.

If you notice that someone is behaving badly towards you, it is your duty to react and express clearly what is bothering you. Staying silent and waiting for things to get better will only keep the situation going and you will not be doing anyone any favours. If you are disrespected once and you don't say anything, it will continue to happen until you do something about it.

5. Respect others

We've seen so far how important it is to respect yourself, but don't forget to respect others.

Respect can be shown in many ways. For example, during a conversation, most people simply wait their turn to speak, rather than listening to what others have to say.

We all have interesting things to say, but making the effort to actively listen to the other person shows that you value them. Be curious and seek to understand their point of view. After the discussion, give a quick update on what you learned about the person and use that information in the next conversation.

Complimenting the efforts of others is also important. Be honest in your compliments by emphasizing actions and ideas rather than material possessions. Saying "I really like the way you dress" is not the same as saying "You have a nice shirt". In one case you are complimenting the person, in the other you are flattering their possessions.

An equally important point is to check in with others. We all need a favor from time to time, but to only contact your friends, colleagues or loved ones when you need them is a clear lack of respect.

It's not about getting into big discussions. Just remind them that you are thinking about them, check in on their lives, and share news about yours (your successes, new relationships, or what you have learned). Offer to help if you feel they could use a hand or just a little reassurance, don't wait to be asked.

There are, of course, countless other ways to show your respect, such as being punctual, avoiding gossip or showing empathy.

The final word

Becoming respectable in your own eyes and in the eyes of others will not happen overnight. Very often, there are limiting beliefs about ourselves or others that prevent us from acting in the right way, with respect. It is then necessary to question them and understand that everyone on this earth deserves to be respected unconditionally, including yourself.

Look at your behaviors and ask yourself what actions could improve the respect you receive. Remember that it's not about being liked by everyone, but about being treated as an equal. You will discover how your relationships will be transformed for the better.

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