12 ways to deal with social anxiety when you're an extrovert (Covid-19 edition)

Social anxiety.

These two words hold so much agony in itself, but the worst is when it shows up when you least expect it. The fear of screwing up, of hurting someone, of being idiotic, all these thoughts hindering your everyday life... Yes, it's absolutely exhausting. And sadly, it's not only for you, but for those who surround you as well. Plus, if you're an extrovert that craves other's company, life can become like a living hell.

But as we grew older, we learn that certain things are more manageable then they seem. For me, it was my mindset that needed a change. So here are 10 tricks that worked for me (and hopefully that'll work for you too). Yes yes... I know. A lot of these are simply common sense. But sometimes, it's good to have a little reminder, yeah?

Note: For those with severe social anxiety, keep in mind that you are not a weirdo!! Seek help asap! It won't make you weaker than others, trust me. You can do this! :")

1. Talk to yourself out loud

Ever heard someone talking to themselves in the neighboring bathroom stall? Well I did! It seemed like the lady was crazy at first, but a few years later, I can see why she needed that moment! It may seem weird at first, but once you understand it's power, you become a changed person. Honestly, you're already talking to yourself inside your head any way, so why not say it out loud? I don't know if you noticed, but when I think poorly of myself, I often keep it broiling inside. But once I express my thoughts out loud, I often realize how ridiculous they are, and then I'm a able to brush it off a lot quicker. In case you feel uneasy doing that in public, find a safe space instead such as a private toilet or an empty changing room. If the statements you hear are self-deprecating, try to find comforting words that counter those negative feelings or that pump you up. Example:

Me (aka the hater):

- Ugh, I think I looked stupid out there, bursting out laughing like that. Ugh I must seem so weird!

- I also made a stupid comment earlier in the group chat too. Did I offend anyone? I REALLY hope I didn't offend anyone. Does she hate me now? Why did I just say that?!

- My palms are so sweaty and icy for some reason, and I'm shaking all over. I just can't do this anymore.

Me (aka the supporter):

It's okay girl. NO ONE CARES! And that's in a good way! And if they find you weird, so what? As long as you don't harm anyone, who cares what they think of you? Now take a deep breath, and once you're calm, get back out there or go back home for a well-deserved rest."

And after a while, I'd usually calm down. I then walk out of the locker room feeling ready for a second go. And if I really can't soothe myself, I'll just go home.

2. Spend time with people you trust

Sometimes, people with social anxiety need people who either comfort them or beat some common sense into them (figuratively). In my case, my friends and my brother are such important people. Social anxiety often makes me feel like I'm out of control, and my brother's common sense tells me that I'm actually perfectly IN control of my actions. And the thing is: you don't necessarily need friends or close family for this. If no such person is there for you (don't worry, it happens!), then a therapist or a family doctor can also be of help!

3. Pretend you're someone else

Okay, so this really helped me. A LOT. I would pretend to be someone who's strong and put up a strong demeanor when I feel like I'm not enough. Usually, pretending isn't healthy, but it gets me out of the door and gives me the courage to at least TRY. And most of the time, it works out! So pretending from time to time is great!

Another funny thing: I decided to attend drama classes as a pass time, and let me tell you: it helped me TREMENDOUSLY. It kind of catapults you to a setting that socially anxious people would normally hate, but it gets better over time! Oh, and I suck at acting by the way. But who cares? Despite the first few rehearsals, the dripping icy sweat slowly vanished over time!

4. Keep cat videos handy (or anything funny, really)

So yeah. I'm a dog person. "But Kuni, you just said to watch cat videos? Are you lying to us?" Well I have a channel in mind: it's called Cream Heroes (aka Kittisaurus). The owner is so bubbly, and the cats are such playful crackheads that I forget all my worries. So yes, cat videos are great!

But what I mean is: try to get your mind off of things. The best and quickest way for me to achieve this is through laughter, and it might be the same for you. Find a channel you like that you can go back to in case things get out of hand or in case you need a break.

5. Practice in front of the mirror

This is another version of "talk to yourself", but pretend that the person in the mirror is someone else and talk to him or her instead. I know I know... it's weird. But then again, you're hurting no one, and it'll just make you feel more confident when you come across similar situations (almost like you're overthinking before you need to). Did you ever think why you're more comfortable online then in person? It's because you have more time to think about what to say. Oh and also, there's a screen protecting you. All you need is practice practice practice!

6. Let go of your burdens by resolving past regrets

Have you ever felt like you didn't express yourself clearly in the past, and then come to regret it in the future? This, in turn, could heighten your anxiety later on. So when your past keeps lingering, you can try to resolve it by getting some type of closure.

For instance, not long ago, I saw my childhood crush on a social platform, and decided on a whim to confess that I used to have feelings for him before. Sure, it has been so long ago to the point where we're practically strangers, but it made me feel SO GOOD! It's almost like you're untying a knot and moving on! Try it out sometime! (If Vocal had the option to leave comments, I would have even asked you to let me know how it went!)

7. Avoid caffeine if you can

So this one is a little of a personal issue: I get REALLY jittery when I drink too much caffeine after a bad night of sleep, and my brain either heightens my anxiety or mistakes the trembling with anxiety. So yeah, drink tea ladies and gents! Or even better: treat yourself to a nice cup of hot cocoa! (Make sure it doesn't have caffeine in it though)

8. Be kind to yourself (aka self-forgiveness)

I've been a shitty person during certain periods of my life, and when I lie in bed at night, the guilt practically eats me alive. Sure, it's no longer social anxiety at this point, but it does feed into my self-doubt and makes me wonder if I'd ever hurt someone like that again. Yes, the anxiety feeds my social anxiety. No surprise here.

But the truth is, it's useless to beat yourself up for something in the past. Sure, it's impossible to redeem yourself for something terrible, but then again, it won't change things if you drown in self-deprecation. Apologize sincerely to those that you wronged, learn from your mistakes, and move on! You surely can't change the past, but you can make the future a better place! Forgive yourself, and try to do good from now on. Accept the consequences and face them head on. Change for the better, read more books, be kind to yourself and to others. The past will always remain the past. (Okay okay.... that's UNLESS Elon Musk invents a time machine)

9. Learn to appreciate alone time / ground yourself

I used to hate myself when I was around others, and that's because I wasn't comfortable with being alone. You see, if you like yourself to the point of feeling happy when you're alone, you'll realize that you have the freedom to walk away when you're uncomfortable.

I used to have this fear of eating alone in restaurants or watching movies by myself, but the more I did it, the more at ease I felt when with friends. That way, you'll know that you can depend on yourself when you're feeling uneasy at a social gathering. Oh come on, at least give yourself that!

10. Set a timeframe for thoughts that torment you

So during an overthinking-episode, I would ponder on the same thoughts over and over and over again, to the point where I can't even sleep. And that's what ruins 90% of my life: it eats my energy. So now, I have a system called "15 min only". If a thought doesn't go away, you put a timer and set 15 minutes. You then let yourself go and think about it as much as you want, until the 15 minutes is over. Then proceed to throw that obsessive thought in an imaginary trash. And voilà! Trust me: once the timer is on, you won't even go past the 10 min mark!

11. Change the "what if" to "why shouldn't I"?

Social anxiety is often fueled by self-questioning, and the favorite question is usually "what if?". You might ask yourself: "What if I did xyz: would she still have frowned at me?" or "What if I had said xyz: would the people in the group chat be annoyed?" etc etc. However, that mindset is so toxic!

Instead, replace the question with "why shouldn't I", for example:

- Why shouldn't I do that? It was not ill-intentioned or racist in any way. Let me make sure I didn't hurt her by asking for clarifications.

- Why shouldn't I have said that? Maybe they're just busy. Let's just move on.

You see? Simple right? This'll get even easier if you pair it with tip #1, 2 and 5. Good luck!

12. Watch from afar at first (not in a stalker way though)

Okay, this weirded out a lot of people in the past, but it really helped me. I probably had some issues understanding people's emotions/reactions when I was younger, so I would just observe people's dynamics and feel safer listening rather than interacting. Now this may seem creepy or stalkerish, but it prevented me from having a breakdown 90% of the times. It's a little like jump rope: you only jump in if you think it's safe or the right time. There's no wrong in observing, just don't stare at them creepily haha!

I remember when me teammates would assemble around the table for lunch, and I'd rather sit in the corner of the room probably a few feet away and listen to them talk. They did look at me weird for it. Thinking back, I could of told them that I had a sensory overload and needed to step back. (Ah oups, caught myself being ambivalent here. NO DWELLING WITH THE PAST!) But then again, it was the right move, or else I would've been mentally drained instantly. Sometimes, you gotta do weird things to prevent yourself from burning out! And trust me, after a while, they'll accept you as is! You just need to make the effort to communicate your needs.

PHEW! Okay, all in all, that's all I had to say today. You might be wondering: what's the Covid-19 edition got to do with all this? And let me tell you: now's the perfect time to deal with your social anxiety! With everything moving online, it makes it a lot easier to reach out virtually in a seemingly safer environment. (At least it is for me.) It also gives you time to prepare when things return to how they were. At that point, you would have a much better grasp of yourself, and hopefully, life will be a little more manageable.

Anyhow, I hope this helped you! As humans, being different can make you feel like an outcast, but that's only true if YOU label yourself as such. So yep! Stay safe everyone! Love ya and goodnight!

--KunYi