yearning

it kills me. it kills me to know that there are people who have touched you and who have been touched by you. that someone's had the luxury of kissing you. of holding your hand. of caressing your cheek and tracing their fingers along your lips. that someone has pressed their lips against your shoulders, your neck. how they've seen you smile at them. how they've had your body pressed against them. it tears me apart. it feels like something lancinating inside my chest constantly, and although the lines of reassurance have been spoken, screamed, pressed into my skin i cannot seem to go a single moment without thinking all that lies ahead of me is despair. the thought that someone else, someone who hasn’t reached the skies for you is worth more than me is incessant. and the same question echoes through my mind; am i enough? am i enough? am i enough? and i figure how i regard it as even a possibility because i have not felt it in years. but still, i give everything to you. even if everything i have is not enough. even if nothing is ever enough. because i think this one single time i might be. i really do. because the way you looked to me really had me believing that i was.

i write this in hopes that you do, and that i am just overthinking as always. just like you have told me, persistently. and i may not mean much to you, but, you mean everything to me. you really do. you have me in the palm of your hands. i would give up everything for you. in a split second. run away with you to the ends of the earth in a single breath. just utter a single word and i would drop to my knees and beg. i would kill for you. i would die for you. i would do anything, everything for you.

that’s how much i love you. i love you so much that the mere thought of you is enough to make me smile. the mention of your name makes me smile. seeing your name appear on my phone screen makes my day better. you make everything better.

you make me so happy. i wish i could say this more poetically, but you do, in the most childlike way, you make me so utterly happy. like the happiness i would feel as a child running through tall grass, the happiness i thought i had forgotten how to feel. happiness is not something that has come to me very easily but you make it seem like it's all i've ever known, that i've never experienced a day of sorrow in my life. you make every person who has ever broken my heart feel like it was worth it because it got me to you. and although there are days when my anger is high, and the sadness you make me feel is crippling it is okay, because it doesn’t erase my love. i don’t think anything can ever do that.

if i’m being honest i think you are the only person i would let destroy me, ruin me, shatter me, and i would be the one apologising to you and crawling back to you because you really are it for me. i’m yours, in every universe, in every lifetime, in heaven, in hell, on every good day, bad day and every other day in between because i may not know much but i know that every single brick and knife and dagger was worth the pain because i have you.