did i shatter you? did i take the last of your kindness and ruin it? did i ruin you? did i take your love for granted and throw it around like it wasn’t something so delicate? something so hard to achieve?
maybe i should have said how much i loved you when you confessed everything i had ever wanted to hear. i wish i had screamed it to you because i think you are the only person who has loved me beyond reason, beyond hope, beyond anything. who has made a million and one excuses for me, who has given me a million and one chances and will probably continue to do so. you see, it’s so easy to keep you holding on. so easy to give you an ounce of attention for you to give your everything. i guess you’re easy. or i guess you are to those you love.
i know the score goes up, and 24 hours have passed, and your self-worth has deflated a little, along with your sanity, and your smile becomes a little more forced with every passing hour, and you see the way i am so unaffected by the time that has passed, the days that have passed. and you see how i can live without you so easily and it must hurt, i know it must hurt because you can’t go a minute without thinking of me. the excuses you make, have excuses. i said i didn’t want you to feel used by me, but it feels a little like that, doesn’t it? god, you should really stop wearing your heart on your sleeve for me.
do i make you question your worth? when i lie? when i do the one thing you hate? i don’t know if i do it more to stop causing you pain or if i do it more out of guilt because i go to sleep with apathy on my mind and you stay awake talking to the walls.
do i treat you like you’re forgettable, like you haven’t bent over backwards for me, for my love, for a one word response, for a smile? i know your love is rare, i know. your love is special and i’m so sorry if i ever made you feel like it was the opposite. i’m sorry i can’t give you a simple conversation to keep you going every day. it’s the bare minimum, i know. it’s always the same cycle. same feeling of your throat closing up, eyes filling with tears, same feeling as if you’re about to die for committing the crime of loving someone too hard, too recklessly.
i don’t hate you, i’m sorry if it feels like i do. i know you like to overthink, but i don’t. i promise. i’m sorry if i made your love feel like it was a burden. i think you care so much for me that it’s scary, i think you might be the only person who will ever be able to tell the smiles or laughs i’m faking.
i love you. i really do. i wish i could tell you. i hope you know from my actions. i know my actions leave you in anticipation for hours, but i will always come back to you because i care. i do. i know that’s all you have wanted to hear from me. how easy is it to say that? i think if i uttered these word to you you’d follow me to the grave. lay there with me in peace, be at home. i love you, but you are foolish, foolish for loving me so unconditionally, so easily without even knowing me.