hoping my words are enough to make you feel something.
they always say fight. fight for what you love. fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. and that is all you have done. for countless hours, days, months. until your fingers have bled, until your knees have become numb, until you couldn’t see straight. but there is only so much fighting you can do until your body has given out and your self-worth has crumbled into dust; your ego has never mattered when it has come to love, come to him, but you seem so shockingly small now, don’t you?
it kills me. it kills me to know that there are people who have touched you and who have been touched by you. that someone's had the luxury of kissing you. of holding your hand. of caressing your cheek and tracing their fingers along your lips. that someone has pressed their lips against your shoulders, your neck. how they've seen you smile at them. how they've had your body pressed against them. it tears me apart. it feels like something lancinating inside my chest constantly, and although the lines of reassurance have been spoken, screamed, pressed into my skin i cannot seem to go a single moment without thinking all that lies ahead of me is despair. the thought that someone else, someone who hasn’t reached the skies for you is worth more than me is incessant. and the same question echoes through my mind; am i enough? am i enough? am i enough? and i figure how i regard it as even a possibility because i have not felt it in years. but still, i give everything to you. even if everything i have is not enough. even if nothing is ever enough. because i think this one single time i might be. i really do. because the way you looked to me really had me believing that i was.
i know why you booked the night train, i know you did it so that you wouldn't have to sit and stare at the wounds you'd so intricately placed within the depths of my soul months after fixing them. i know you did it so i wouldn't have to sit there and look at you whilst you looked at me in pity. i know you did it so i could sit for hours on that train and bask in this hurt and let it turn into resentment, repulsion, desperation, anything except heartbreak. anything. although, i doubt you would want desperation because even in moments where you would despise me, you could never say no to me. i'm not sure whether you did this for you, or whether you did this for me and i'm not sure which is worse.
i dream of us all the time. i dream about mundane things we can do together. things that shouldn't really be fawned over. i think about us getting coffee together and me making you order a specific kind of coffee for me because i’m too shy to ask. i think about us holding hands. i think about your hand resting on my thigh whilst you’re driving. i think about me leaning over and kissing your cheek. i think about what we’d talk about- i think about how you’d laugh at a joke i’d say, i think about how you’d kiss my cheek. i think about us falling asleep together and my head laying on your chest. i think about going on dates together. i think about walking along a canal holding hands together. i think about playing mini-golf and teasing each other. i think about us playing board games together and you beating me and me getting overly competitive because that’s just how i am. i think about us going to ikea and getting lost and giggling and kissing in the most private areas we could find. i think about going on picnics where we kiss and tease each other and laugh until our stomachs hurt. i think about the movie dates we’d go on, where we’d most likely just make out and hardly watch the movie. i think about you kissing me so desperately in your car because we’re both too needy for each other to go inside. i think about you trying to cheer me up when i’ve cried over a movie or a book or nothing in particular. i think about you surprising me by turning up on a random weekend. with flowers in hand. i think about when we first started talking and how we talked for hours and hours, not even sleeping because i guess that’s just how much we enjoyed talking to each other. i can only hope you felt as enamoured by me as i felt by you. i think about screaming the lyrics of our favourite songs together in the car with the windows down. i think about looking over to you and knowing that you might be the person i spend the rest of my life with and i would never need anything else ever again. i think about us having a future together. i think about you so much. you’re the only person i think about. from dawn to dusk and any time in between. you’re the only person i seem to have fallen for to this extent. you’re the only person i’ve asked God to give me. i can’t even think about you ever not being in my life, it hurts too much. i hope you never get sick of me. i hope i can read this to you someday. i hope i can bare my entire soul to you someday. it scares me to think that the only boy i have ever wanted to spend an eternity with, might not love me back the way i love him. so i pray every single night for you. i would do anything for your love. so please, don’t have someone else in your heart. please don’t leave me. you've not only occupied my daydreams but my actual dreams too. you've become such an intimate part of me, a part of me i have no control over. that's why if you ever broke my heart i don't think i could ever forget you. or get over you. or even forgive you. you’ve scored yourself onto my heart and soul. i’m yours. if you’ve ever doubted that, please don’t. i’m in this for the long game. i’m in this with every fibre of my being and i hope you are too.