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problems

inspired by taylor swift’s champagne problems

By sumiya akterPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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i know why you booked the night train, i know you did it so that you wouldn't have to sit and stare at the wounds you'd so intricately placed within the depths of my soul months after fixing them. i know you did it so i wouldn't have to sit there and look at you whilst you looked at me in pity. i know you did it so i could sit for hours on that train and bask in this hurt and let it turn into resentment, repulsion, desperation, anything except heartbreak. anything. although, i doubt you would want desperation because even in moments where you would despise me, you could never say no to me. i'm not sure whether you did this for you, or whether you did this for me and i'm not sure which is worse.

pride has never mattered to me when its come to you, but you didn't have to drop my hand, you didn't have to leave me standing there like a fool. did my picture in your wallet mean nothing? did those promises of giving me your mother's ring mean nothing? did those nights of me saying your name over and over again really mean nothing? was i that disposable? was it my fault that you made my heart out to be glass but you are the one who shattered it like it was vapid?

i told my family. gushed to them about you, about this. i don’t think they'd ever seen me so filled with joy. i couldn't keep it in, but i wish i had. i really wish i had, because the hurt on their faces when i walked through the doors of my childhood home, suitcase in hand was just as painful as the pity in your eyes that night. i remember how those bright smiles turned into something that no one wants to celebrate. the rumours are uttered in hushed conversations, in polite smiles, in fake niceties. none of our friends want to applaud now, but even the applauding of our friends could never be enough to drown them out.

i had a speech prepared, i always did, you said you found it funny how i always did when i sometimes couldn’t even describe the intensity of how i felt about you, yet, you turned me away knowing this. you left me speechless as the love slipped right beyond our reaches, my reaches, but you couldn’t give me a reason to stay. and i couldn’t make one good enough for myself to stay. or to even fight. not this time. you were never going to be ready, so you watched me leave. pressed your lips to my forehead and left me standing on the train platform, whilst i silently begged for you to turn back.

you asked if i had come to hate you, months later on a phone call, i replied by saying no, and left it at that because i could never tell you that it would take the world to split in two and for the heavens and earth to be flipped for me to ever feel a pang of hatred for you. in short words, it would be impossible. you laughed at that, said that i would, like they all did and i wish i had told you then and there that i was not a part of them. i never would be.

months later at 4am, as a lack of better judgement, i picked up the phone and i called you this time. i could hear the confusion in your voice, could hear the tiredness and panic, but i could barely get my words out through the sobs i couldn’t control. and i did the one thing i promised i would never do and i begged. because sometimes you just don’t know the answer until someone is on their knees and asks you and i thought that it would work. if i begged for you on my knees. i thought if i was desperate enough, for the both of us, that you couldn’t say no, you could never say no to me. but you did. in a low whisper, as if your words would come as less of a shock. you started with a shaky breath, and i knew then that you’d uttered your apology before you’d even begun speaking, but you told me to listen to you, for the last time, and i did because you see i could never say no to you either. you told me that i would find the real thing instead of you, someone deserving of me, someone better than you, someone who would patch up the wounds that you shred, someone who would hold my hand whilst dancing, would never leave me standing disappointed on the train platform, would always have my picture in his wallet, who’s mother’s ring would always be adorned on my finger, who would always stand on the train platform with me, who would always turn back, who would always have a reason to make me stay, who would make me forget all about you. but i will always come back to you, because yes, maybe i do deserve better, but i really wanted you.

breakups
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About the Creator

sumiya akter

just my thoughts

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