Things my Mother Said to Me

If my mother

Had to pick

Between me and church,

She said

She would pick church every time.

She tried to say

It was because God

Would never let her

Go without us.

I guessed she

never read

The Bible?

I would

Change my

Own diaper

Then put

Myself

To bed.

My mother said

This made her proud

Of me.

She told me

I was strong.

She told me

I was beautiful.

I did not

Want to be

Strong

Or

Beautiful.

She insisted that

If I were walking down the street

At night

And I was raped

It would be

My

Fault.

Always flex

Your kegel muscles

My mother would say

It seems

No other

Muscle

Mattered

Except those.

My mother told me

That one day

I may suddenly

Remember being

Abused.

I may be driving

Some day

And suddenly remember

The pain

And I may crash.

Just be careful

My mother said.

I spent 10 years

Wondering

What abuse

She meant.

I wish you would have

A daughter

Just like you

She would say

With a voice full

Of malice.

What would be

So wrong

With

That?

I whispered

To myself

At 12

She gifted me

A see-through

Lace

Crotchless

Teddy

And wrapped it

Inside

A box

Of tampons.

It made

My stomach

Hurt

At 14

I realized

I was

Attracted to

Women

Yet I could not

Bear for them

To touch

Me.

Men hurt me

But they

Felt safer

To be around

Than women

All

The

Same

It was not safe

To stay

In a shelter

Says my mother.

She will not give permission

For me

As a minor

To stay

In one.

But I cannot stay with her

So I live

Under a pool table

Or on the side of the road

Or with people who abused me

Instead.

When I had

My own daughter

I was struck with

Memories

In the form of nightmares

About my mother's

Unnatural

Attentions

I needed the cycle to

Stop.

I could not be

Like the monster

Who raised

Me

My daughter

Could not ache

Like I ache

No one should.

I did

What I could

Attended

Every

class

Read

Every

Book

Saw

Every

Counselor

It was never

Enough

Because

I am

not