These Objects Are My Allies

Before I reveal my favorite things, I’ll explain why I choose them

I fight never-ending battles and I'm always afraid that I’ll lose them

⚡__________⚡

Hair, hair, and still more hair

Dog hair, dog hair—everywhere!

It’s over here; it’s over there

Sometimes, it's even in my underwear

*⚡*

Goldie and Princess are our big, fat dogs

They’re shaped like wolves; they eat like hogs

Let me tell you a little about our dear German shepherds

They growl like bears and they prowl like leopards

They are swift like the wind, chasing squirrels up trees

They bark when the doorbell rings, with such beastly glee

*⚡*

In the wintertime, their constitutions never cause a stir

But in the summertime, they shed a massive amount of fur!

Outside in the backyard, their hair piles on the ground

Inside, throughout the house, it accumulates in mounds

It binds to every surface, sometimes even our walls

When the fan is blowing, it scatters down our halls

It collects under dressers and behind open doors

Instead of just two dogs, you’d think that we have hordes

*⚡*

I’ve had shih tzus before, who didn’t cause me such gloom

Whenever they became shaggy, I just took them to be groomed

*⚡*

Don't mistake what I'm saying: I adore Goldie and Princess!

But I’d likely adore them even more if they didn’t shed to excess

*⚡*

In my ongoing struggle to clean up all the hair,

Certain cherished items help keep our ladies fair

*⚡*

The first mechanism I use daily, in every single room,

Is a simple coping device: a common, standard broom

Cleaning carpets would drive me insane, in all likelihood

Thankfully, all our foundations are linoleum or hardwood

When I sweep up hair in morning—by evening, it’s back

There’s no vacuum in my life; that’s one thing I lack

*⚡*

These tumbleweeds of fur ofttimes stress me out

(testing my patience)

They are always undulating through our house

(causing great frustration)

But I keep sweeping and sweeping and sweeping

(filling up entire dustpans)

There have been days when I’ve been weeping

(as I walk to the garbage can)

Trying to stave off the ‘dust’ (hair) bunnies, I often go straight to the source

I use toothed instruments on the girls, until they bark themselves hoarse

Neither Princess nor Goldie like sitting still for their combings

If they weren’t vaccinated for rabies, their mouths would be foaming

When I’m thinning out their coats, it gets all over me!

It’s so damn itchy when it gets caught in my goatee!

Their hair clings to every fabric, to my clothes, to my covers

If you ever saw my sheets, you’d think I have a werewolf lover

*⚡*

That’s the greatest annoyance about all their shedding...

It sticks like glue to my socks and then ends up in my bedding

When I rise in the middle of the night to go pee,

It gravitates to my pajamas and gets all over me

Sometimes when wake up, I can even taste it

(EW!)

When it adheres to my pillow, there's no way I can face it

(BOO!)

When it sticks to my shirts, it can verily make me sneeze

Comparatively speaking, sweeping the floors is a breeze

*⚡*

The cost of lint rollers really makes me quite volatile

So I use scissors and packaging tape to peal up the follicles

Yes, it’s a ghetto solution, but it actually works

It solves this clothing cohesion that invariably makes me irked

Now, I will tell you about the supreme unsung hero

The tool most effective in giving pet hair the heave ho

*⚡*

My broom, comb, and tape are great, in almost equal measure,

But—by far—it's my LINT TRAP that's my most beloved treasure!!!

It goes in, looking like this ...

It comes out, looking like that ...

That’s 96% dog hair and 4% cat!

Besides our two good canines, our three felines bring us light

That's Dexter Morgan, Daisy, and our black boy: Midnight

Both species cohabitate perfectly; that’s a verifiable fact

Life is not a cartoon where the dogs chase the cats

And don’t misunderstand me—my cats shed a little too,

But compared to Goldie and Princess, their molted hairs are few

My old dryer is scratched up, but it still brings the heat,

And for un-hair-ifying clothes, it simply cannot be beat!

*⚡*

I consider my LINT TRAP a freaking miracle of science!!

I could sing praises forever for this awesome appliance!!!

I wash clothes incessantly that aren’t even that dirty,

Because in my house, the line between furry...

..... and dirty

................. is blurry

If in your home, your lint trap catches only schmutz and twine,

You’ll never be able to conceive why I glorify mine

*⚡*

My darling LINT TRAP, you’re amazing; you’re simply the best!

When the dog’s winter coats grow in, you’ll get a much-deserved rest

If this poem wins this contest, you won’t even wait that long

I’ll purchase a hundred lint rollers and sing a happy song!

*⚡*

Gentle reader, if you’re a germaphobe or want a home forever clean,

Feel free to comment, “This is gross!” and I won’t think that you’re mean

But did you even know that hound hair is stickier than Velcro?!?

If you’ve never had a German shepherd, you’ll probably answer, “HELL NO!”

If you don’t have sheddy dogs, you won’t have sympathy for my plight,

But this is Vocal, not TikTok; I don't wanna start a fight

*⚡*

All I can offer in conclusion...

About all this pet pollution...

Dogs can pull at your heartstrings

Love makes you do funny things

My Ode to a Lint Trap, by....

_______________Bolt⚡