Eulogy for an Emoji โก
Where Lightning Strikes No More โกโก ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ โกโก
Imagine this...
You meet up with a friend (in person) for lunch. Over appetizers, your friend says to you, "I read the coolest stories last night on Vocal! I know they're right up your alley. You really should check them out."
And you're game. So you ask, "Who wrote them?"
"Lightning Bolt, actually. That's this writer's pen name: Lightning Bolt."
"Cool. I'll check it out later tonight."
"Oh," says your friend, looking super serious, "One more thing!!! It's the words 'Lightning Bolt' and then you have to add the little lightning bolt emoji after the written name. Don't forget the emoji or you might not find him!"
You think...
An emoji? Really?? Is that the 21st Century version of pretentious?
You also think if it requires the extra effort of adding an emoji, you're out. You'll go read the stuff written by a real person with a real name!
Am I right?
The above story about you โ๏ธ is just too implausible to allow for suspension of disbelief. First and foremost, the notion that two people would get together physically in person and talk about Vocal using spoken words instead of just textingโ that's too far-fetched to begin with, but then it's made even less believable by having your friend caution you about adding the emoji!
If a conversation like this ever happened, it would be more like...
"Check out this person's writing. Easy to find. The name is Lightning Bolt." But your friend never mentions the emoji. So you go and do a search, find nothing, and immediately give up.
Can you envision any scenario where having this emoji after your name helps you in any way? Nobody is going to be like...
OMG! There is this boss ass bitch author on Vocal who writes like a freakin' thunderclap! He's called Lightning Bolt! And if that isn't already the coolest nom de plume ever... there's also a lightning bolt emoji at the end of his name! It's like a subtle way of saying: 'Lightning strikes twice!' When I saw that second bolt, that extra boltโ that's when I was hooked!
No. ๐ค Don't see that happening.
And here's the thing about me...
I know just barely enough about SEO to be frightened by it. I started wondering recently: Am I being left out of some spiffy inner illuminati algorithms because of my emoji?
And I be like: Oh my God! ๐คฏ๐ฑ๐ฑ That is what's prevented me from having a Top Story, isn't it?! I'll bet that's the reason! It all makes sense now! I've never been a 'Creator We're Loving' either! It's obviously because my emoji shorts out all the computer brains!
It couldn't be because my writing sucks, could it?
๐ค๐ค๐ค
๐ค๐ค๐ค
Nope!
โก๐๐
It's gotta be the emoji!!!
I need to kill this thing off!
Now.
Tonight.
I really hate to do it... but it's time to delete the bolt โก after my _ Bolt!
Welcome to Funeral for a Jolt! => โก
A speech is required, don't you think, for this solemn, negatively-charged occasion? ๐ฅ
I am a Bill, but I'm no Shakespeare. Obviously. Still, I'll do my meager best to commemorate this ending of an extravagant elemental age....
โก
Friends, Authors, Vocalites, give me some reads!
This is a parody, but also a eulogy, so expect a little misery or go away
For I come to cast aside my emoji, not recharge it!
The tales that my lightning sparked will live after the flashes
All the negative charges defused harmlessly in the ground
So let it be with my emoji.
Here, under leave of writers and the restโ
For writers are honourable men;
I come to speak-write at my emojiโs funeral
He was my friend, faithful and just to me.
He stood out in a land of letters, a symbol from a bygone age
But SEO says he was ambiguous, superfluous, ambitious!
And search engine optimization is a harsh mistress.
None of us know anything, truly, about SEO, alas, except for enough to scare us. But we are told a well-fed SEO hath brought many mouse clicks home! And we fear fucking with something we do not understand!
So did this emoji seem too ambitious to you, fellow writer?
When my nom de plume did thunder its signature, all the emoji did was punctuate
Ambition should be made of flashier stuff! Am I right?!?
When the emoji took some credit for I Have Bad Brains, was that ambition?
Was it ambition to post Bob Bodeyโs Body Parts, a story that is over 8500 words? Or was that foolhardiness? No matter how well it's written, who has that kind of time?
When the emoji wrote itself into horror stories like Dead Horse Running, and The Last Laugh, and www.$ellYerSoul2Satan.hel was that rebellious self-promotion or was that for the betterment of us both?
I write this eulogy not to unwrite what I wrote with my emoji! I did love him once, not without cause!
I love him still!!! ๐ฅ
It is only because I worry he will inhibit good googling that I pull the plug on him
But what cause withholds you from mourning this loss? None that I have witnessed!
Or is it too shocking to thee to grieve for a shocker? โกโกโก
If so, suck my ass, bitch! Nobody forced you to attend this funeral! Just sayin.
โก
Oh! my online identity! thou art fried by brutal blasts!
But I must continue to write stories without thee, my beloved emoji!
Because like all weird men of partial reason
My soul remains a __lightning bolt and my mind remains electrified!
โกโกโกโก
Strike for me, my emoji, no more!
โกโกโกโก
Nope. ๐ฃ
That โ๏ธ speech isn't good enough.
That speech just doesn't convey the sadness of this elimination.
Maybe I should sing. ๐ค
Alright, so new approach...
Listen to this Elton song๐ , get the tune stuck in your head, and then use the melody to sing the lyrics I've written especially for this earnest occasion...
(sung to tune of Candle in the Wind)
๐ผ๐ต Goodbye, Emoji Bolt
Though I often used you a lot
You had just one space to prove yourself
And you made that place so hot ๐ฅ
๐น You struck from out of nowhere
And you crackled inside some brains
You arenโt equipped with thunder
Yet you double-charged my name ๐ถ
โก
๐ผ๐น๐ถ And it seems to me you helped me strike
Like lightning in a storm โ๏ธโกโ๏ธ
Never meaning to stunt useful clicks
To my true searchable form
And I never should have used your flash
But I was just a kid!
Your electric appeal died long before
Your legend ever did! ๐ฉ๏ธ๐ถ
โก
๐ผ๐ต Writing this was tough
The toughest song I ever spoofed
Elton John created a super tune
And I am just a goof
๐ถ Even when I tried ๐น๐ต๐ฉ๏ธ
Oh, I could do no better than this
All the pundits had to say
Was this parody was such a miss ๐ต
โก
๐น๐ผ๐ถ And it seems to me, you helped me strike
Like lightning in a storm โ๏ธโกโ๏ธ
Always thinking that it was you
That was keeping me warm
๐ถ I think now I should kill you
Iโm no longer a kid
Your bright flash burned out long before
Your stories ever did ๐ถ๐ต๐ฉ๏ธ
โก
๐ผ๐ถ Goodbye, Emoji Bolt โก
Though I often used you a lot
You had just one space to prove yourself
And you made that spot so hot ๐ฅ
๐น๐ผ๐ผ๐ถ Goodbye, Emoji Bolt โก
From the old man with the really fucked-up brain
Who sees you as something more than sexual
More than just added volts to my pen name! ๐ตโ๏ธ
๐ผ๐น๐ถ And it seems to me you helped me strike
Like lightning in a storm โกโ๏ธโก
Never meaning to stunt the useful clicks
To my true searchable form
And I think I should delete you now
For my own clicking good!
Your dazzle died out long before
Your stories ever could
โกโก๐ญ๐ญโ๏ธ๐ญ๐ญโกโก
Okay...
๐ฅ๐ฅ
I'm almost ready to do it.
Almost.
๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I need to sing one more song to solidify my resolve.
(sung to the tune of How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?)
๐น๐ผ๐ต I can think of electric days when charging through my life
Was everything a man could want to write
I could never see tomorrow,
And I never knew goodbyes could cause such sorrow๐ถ
โก
๐ผ๐ถ How can I delete my emoji boltโก?
How can I stop the light from striking down?
If I can stop the jab from jolting
Will it help my tales be found?
Oooh Oooo! ๐ถ How can I complete this nom de plume
Without a symbol that is grim?
Please help me delete my emoji bolt โก
....and let me live again! ๐ถ
โก
๐ผ๐ถ I can still feel the volts that crackled through my brains
And misty challenges I lost gone by
We could never see tomoo-oorrow!
Who knew SEO could cause such sorrow? ๐น
โก
๐ผ๐ต I go now to delete my emoji strike! โก
How can I stop my tears from falling down?
How can I stop my ass from bolting?
Why do I stick around?
Oh Oooooh! ๐ถ How can I complete my lightning strikes
Without extra symbols that are grim?
I go now to delete my emoji bolt and let the experiment begin! ๐ถ
โก
Please help me delete !
โก โก my emoji bolts !!
โก โก โก and let me live again !!!
โก_______________________________โก
*BEFORE*
And now... ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
*AFTER*
โกโกโกโก
๐ชฆ๐ชฆ โกMy emoji is DEAD.โก ๐ชฆ๐ชฆ
LET OPTIMIZATION OF SEARCH ENGINES INCREASE NOW!!
๐โจ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Wow. ๐ฎ
I thought I'd be bawling my eyes out by the end of this funeral but instead, I feel ten pounds lighter.
๐คทโโ๏ธ
I hope you had a good time too!
This entire eulogy was meant to amuse and should have been published in Vocal's Comedy Community. But Vocal doesn't have a Comedy Community, which is one of the things that Really Sucks Ass About Vocal.
#Commit2ComedyonVocal!
โก
LIKE/โค๏ธ, Subscribe, Pledge, and/or Tip as you are so inclined. I appreciate your readership.
Thank you kindly for your support!
________________Bolt โก
About the Creator
Reader insights
Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Top insights
Easy to read and follow
Well-structured & engaging content
Excellent storytelling
Original narrative & well developed characters
Expert insights and opinions
Arguments were carefully researched and presented
Eye opening
Niche topic & fresh perspectives
Heartfelt and relatable
The story invoked strong personal emotions
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Comments (1)
Such a beautiful tribute to the โก๏ธemoji!