Workplace witticisms, job jokes and career quips; who says work can't be a laughing matter?
Iced Rooms and Locker Cream
...WHAT did I just say? (But, whatever I said, I guarantee you that I have your attention now). Let's try this again, shall we?
The Top 5 Ridiculous Things People Ask About Writing
Every time I mention that I’m a published author (which I try to do as little as possible, because it makes me feel like I’m covered in an icky film of self-promotion), people get this look on their face. Part awe, part confusion, as if I’d just demonstrated to them that I can sprout fluffy fairy wings.
Heart If You’re Horny (For Reading)
Okay, so the word horny gets a lot of guff. Maybe it hits the ear wrong and makes us grit our teeth a little. Perhaps its connotation with kinky hardcore porn-star sex has something to do with it.
Happiness Is A Sharp Cold Pair Of Scissors...
This story begins at the end of my caregiving for my elderly parents. Dad 96 and mom, 92. R.I.P. As a caregiver, you rarely ever have enough time to take care of yourself, so after many years of it, I found myself in the worst shape of my life. Getting out of shape for someone like myself was a slow process. For years, I was that guy that hit the gym about four or five days a week. Not until I'd had turned 40 did I slow down. You know, responsibilities — equals not enough hours in the day.
The Day I Almost Burned Down the Mall
I almost burnt down the Monroeville Mall in Pennsylvania. Not on purpose, mind you; it was all due to the vacuum... and the part-time evening bookseller.
"HIT any key to start!"
If I worked in IT services, I guarantee there would be no IT problems ever again. Such problems would be eradicated, but not by conventional methods. If the computer said to me “hit any key to start” you might get worried about what I would hit it with, a breeze block perhaps! If the computer ever had the temerity to say “you haven't told me how pretty I am” the computer would be in danger of getting a sharp clout with a rolling pin, for insolence. So suffice to say, if I worked in IT services, yes we would all be freed of future IT problems. But it is also likely it would all end in tears with a lot of smashed-up equipment, due to computer rage. My last boss would say “not the right solution”.
The Time We Blew Up a Car
So I’m going to tell you about the time I blew up a car. This is a hundred percent true, by the way. I’m on vacation, hanging out with my family, and my girlfriend. Italy. Tuscany, to be precise. When you’re driving along a narrow road on a woody Italian hillside in the late afternoon, with the sun just starting to go down behind the mountains and the promise of salami and stupidly large amounts of parmesan and truffles back at the villa, you can’t help but feel satisfied with life. Of course, that’s a dangerous state of mind to be in, because something, inevitably, catches fire.
I am a sewer. Nope, no -- that's not how you pronounce it. So-er. A person who sews. I'm also a baker. Oh, and I teach! That's my real job. I'm certain I've cut out at least eleventy million letters and images over the last few decades. I like to whack enormous, expensive expanses of paper into neat quadrilaterals, too. I garden. I spend far too much time wrapping gifts and creating cards and painting in my journal...enough!
The Second Boot
Reading a short anecdote by Terry Mansfield about a missing other shoe, I remembered a funny story that I’d heard when I was a teen, over forty years ago. My memory is pristine. I even remember things that never happened to me, as far as I know. I think that the old story you’re about to read is still funny but you’ll be the judge of that. It seems that Terry has been giving me some ideas since December. I guess that he’s like a secondary muse. But wait! A muse can’t be male. So, forget what I said! I have my muse, and this story, she approved. I ask for her approval since I like her taste. I don’t have to ask her, but I do with all my love and I think that she knows it. Do you, Crissey? She’s a timid muse, except with me, sometimes. But wait again! This story is supposed to be about a second boot. I must have digressed. When I think of her, I digress. And I think about her when I’m awake. I did it again. I digressed. I need a short break. You won’t notice it.
Rick Sanchez: Smartest mans guide to loosing your mind
Rick Sanchez is an amazing character in this day and age with the wide spread awareness of mental illness being on the rise, and peoples concern and desire to learn about it. Rick resembles, from what I have observed, the underlying signs of some forms of mental illness and the havoc it can wreck on your world, everyday life and perception of your world/universe and in those we can see the downsides of freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
My son- the Editor!
When I was 39, I decided that I wanted to be a writer. Not any writer- a published writer! Well, now I am 40, and my son is making me question my goal.
I'm Writing My Own Story
I was always fascinated by story-telling. Going back to a time when "He-Man..." and "G.I. Joe..." were my go-to childhood appointment viewing opportunities, I think that I somehow inherently sensed that someone had WRITTEN the dialogue/scenes. In fact, it prompted me to turn around and start scribbling out little side-adventures when the REAL adventures had long since gone off the air for the day and I didn't want to pop in the same VHS tape again. (Even in playing with my figures, I would, on technicality, be creating my own adventures for them).