Free Verse
the one thing he left behind
When he left, he took everything but his handprints Not the kind fueled by anger and control But that of love and memory and sorrow He left behind a world in which every direction I turn, everywhere I look A piece of him remains Ghosts of laughter and happiness across every surface and corner A memory, a moment embedded in every thing he touched They persist and they prevail, even though he didn't His smile is seen etched in the frog he loved so much The one he left behind with me to watch over me whilst he was away Once a beacon of love, now a reminder of indescribable pain A wrenching heartbreak every time I lay eyes on the green on my bed Traces of him are left all over my laptop From the little folder where he left little drawings for me To the secret one that proudly held the future I dared to dream A white dress and playlist, vows and immigration information — Everything I needed as I planned to leave my country for his Now holding nothing but a future that dissolved before I could mourn He can be found in the seemingly unimportant things too He is in the vegetarian oyster sauce left in the fridge The one I had to search high and low through the aisles for Every squeeze from the bottle erases his presence just a little bit more His handprints are also left on me Science says it takes around 7-10 years for all cells to be regenerated For me to become a brand new person, one he never laid eyes on I will have to wait around a decade For just skin cells, it is quicker — a couple of weeks, science says He, then, has already faded from my skin Every kiss, every touch is nothing but a ghostly memory now But how long until he is no longer haunting me? He lingers in my dreams, forever an entity I can never touch again His arms around me, every corner of his body familiar and comforting He tells me he's sorry and that he misses me He tells me that he loves me still and never stopped A hiss of reality seeps in and tells me it's not real He left you He no longer loves you I ignore the intruding voice and burrow deeper into my mind His handprints on my heart are the ones I can never run from During the day, the pain and memories of him are light-years away And I am free — unburdened, untethered, and unhaunted My routine guides my thoughts and my emotions Carefully guarded and monitored parameters of what I can think and feel Ice skating at a rink I once brought him to Working at a job he witnessed me work so hard towards getting Reading story after story where it was always him in every universe Spending time with people he also once called friends This was my life first, and he was just an invited guest His handprints have no place of belonging here Nighttime is when my walls start to weaken and my vulnerabilities — The very thoughts I fight all day to keep at bay — Threaten to seep in, uninvited and unwanted When the green on my bed feels like a slap in the face The wide smile, empty and guileless Probably wondering if I will hold him in my arms as I drift off to sleep, as I once did But I can hardly look at the green for a few seconds longer Before the ache sets in and I must turn away His handprints are at the centre of every insecurity, every worry As I wonder to myself if this is it If I had my one and only chance for love Squandered and discarded at the ripe age of 25 Was four years all I will get, all I deserve? It is a silly thought, and I acknowledge it so But fear is hardly sensible nor comforting As I wonder to myself, for the millionth time that night If anyone will ever love me again I wasn't enough. This he told me so If not through his words, then through his actions I wasn't enough to stay, to weather through one more obstacle He chose to leave Because I wasn't worth fighting for, because I wasn't who he wanted The pieces of me he loved did not measure up to the pieces I lacked Handprints forever pointing out a part of me I did not know was faulty I can't help but wonder if those pieces will forever be my downfall Those damn pieces, things I cannot control nor fix — Believe me, I tried Will that be the one thing no one can overlook enough to stay with me? I am proud of who I am, of what I've accomplished and all I've earned Of the dreams I have and the plans I have put in place to realise them But are those pieces enough? Am I ever going to be good enough? It wasn't, not for him I am worthy I am strong I will rebuild And I will find peace This I tell myself, perhaps disbelieving a bit more with every repetition Will anyone ever love me whole? This question I cry out to the universe in hopes of hearing an answer Its silence a heavy, judgemental sound I endure, over and over A never-ending, relentless cycle of self-doubt and resolve As I try to move past the remains of a shattered future When he left me, he took everything with him But he took a piece of me, too
By Katarina Chui19 days ago in Poets
Momentary Escape
October exists where the nocturnal and the hallowed converge. Take the first exit just after the equinox. Follow the full moon until you come to a large sleeping willow tree half engulfing the only sign, half p u r g i n g it. The road narrows until it forgets itself. An interrupted thought. Fog paves the path now. October has weather you can climb into. A blanket that hides the chill. The temperature tastes like apple pie. Warm comfort and crisp, cinnamon soft. Only the forest sheds its skin. Pine needles line the streets like the discarded secrets of yesterday, where you can stand coated amidst the u n d r e s s i n g trees. Off in the distance a creek slowly rumbles. A voice with no words. Breath that carries worries away and swallows fears like heavy stones. October skies are an explosion of sound. The orange and purple hues burst into symphony with pink and red harmonics that only your eyes can hear. The maple trees mimic the clouds at dusk turning the rainbow into something you can touch. Their leaves scatter the earth. A mirrored reflection of what’s above. October is fleeting. Momentary. A place you could walk right by. But it’s here, in this October, that beauty and wonder collide.
By T.L. Amber19 days ago in Poets
