the one thing he left behind

When he left, he took everything but his handprints
Not the kind fueled by anger and control
But that of love and memory and sorrow

He left behind a world in which every direction I turn, everywhere I look
A piece of him remains
Ghosts of laughter and happiness across every surface and corner
A memory, a moment embedded in every thing he touched
They persist and they prevail, even though he didn't

His smile is seen etched in the frog he loved so much
The one he left behind with me to watch over me whilst he was away
Once a beacon of love, now a reminder of indescribable pain
A wrenching heartbreak every time I lay eyes on the green on my bed

Traces of him are left all over my laptop
From the little folder where he left little drawings for me
To the secret one that proudly held the future I dared to dream
A white dress and playlist, vows and immigration information —
Everything I needed as I planned to leave my country for his
Now holding nothing but a future that dissolved before I could mourn

He can be found in the seemingly unimportant things too
He is in the vegetarian oyster sauce left in the fridge
The one I had to search high and low through the aisles for
Every squeeze from the bottle erases his presence just a little bit more

His handprints are also left on me

Science says it takes around 7-10 years for all cells to be regenerated
For me to become a brand new person, one he never laid eyes on
I will have to wait around a decade
For just skin cells, it is quicker — a couple of weeks, science says
He, then, has already faded from my skin
Every kiss, every touch is nothing but a ghostly memory now

But how long until he is no longer haunting me?

He lingers in my dreams, forever an entity I can never touch again
His arms around me, every corner of his body familiar and comforting
He tells me he's sorry and that he misses me
He tells me that he loves me still and never stopped
A hiss of reality seeps in and tells me it's not real
He left you
He no longer loves you
I ignore the intruding voice and burrow deeper into my mind

His handprints on my heart are the ones I can never run from

During the day, the pain and memories of him are light-years away
And I am free — unburdened, untethered, and unhaunted
My routine guides my thoughts and my emotions
Carefully guarded and monitored parameters of what I can think and feel
Ice skating at a rink I once brought him to
Working at a job he witnessed me work so hard towards getting
Reading story after story where it was always him in every universe
Spending time with people he also once called friends
This was my life first, and he was just an invited guest
His handprints have no place of belonging here

Nighttime is when my walls start to weaken and my vulnerabilities —
The very thoughts I fight all day to keep at bay —
Threaten to seep in, uninvited and unwanted
When the green on my bed feels like a slap in the face
The wide smile, empty and guileless
Probably wondering if I will hold him in my arms as I drift off to sleep, as I once did
But I can hardly look at the green for a few seconds longer
Before the ache sets in and I must turn away

His handprints are at the centre of every insecurity, every worry
As I wonder to myself if this is it
If I had my one and only chance for love
Squandered and discarded at the ripe age of 25
Was four years all I will get, all I deserve?
It is a silly thought, and I acknowledge it so
But fear is hardly sensible nor comforting
As I wonder to myself, for the millionth time that night
If anyone will ever love me again

I wasn't enough. This he told me so
If not through his words, then through his actions
I wasn't enough to stay, to weather through one more obstacle
He chose to leave
Because I wasn't worth fighting for, because I wasn't who he wanted
The pieces of me he loved did not measure up to the pieces I lacked
Handprints forever pointing out a part of me I did not know was faulty
I can't help but wonder if those pieces will forever be my downfall
Those damn pieces, things I cannot control nor fix —
Believe me, I tried

Will that be the one thing no one can overlook enough to stay with me?

I am proud of who I am, of what I've accomplished and all I've earned
Of the dreams I have and the plans I have put in place to realise them
But are those pieces enough?
Am I ever going to be good enough?
It wasn't, not for him

I am worthy
I am strong
I will rebuild
And I will find peace
This I tell myself, perhaps disbelieving a bit more with every repetition

Will anyone ever love me whole?
This question I cry out to the universe in hopes of hearing an answer
Its silence a heavy, judgemental sound I endure, over and over
A never-ending, relentless cycle of self-doubt and resolve
As I try to move past the remains of a shattered future

When he left me, he took everything with him
But he took a piece of me, too