No One's First Choice
I've gotten used to the fact that I'm no one's first choice. Hell, I'm not even anyone's last choice. It's been this way my whole life. I've tried to not let it bother me; but after a while, it gets exhausting pretending that everything is fine. Acting like I'm not heartbroken every day is tiresome.
There have been too many sleepless nights. My back is killing me. I feel like I've strained it. My joints are aching to the point where I don't want to move. I just want to sleep. I want to close my eyes for a few months. There's too much noise. I need silence. Opening my apartment door, I stared blankly inside. Slowly I closed the door, took five deep breaths, and closed it again. I walked in not knowing what to expect. Only the darkness flooded my senses.
Dear Life, I want to experience you to the fullest. I want to live my best life. The problem is that I don’t know where to start. I’m trying to figure out where I belong. What is my purpose in life? How do I know if I found it? I feel so lost. It’s like my entire existence is meaningless. At this point, I no longer have any idea what's going on. I am seriously just pretending to know what to do. You aren’t really helping me out at all. You need to get your shit together. I’m getting really tired of being alive right now. Just do something to make it all stop. Please stop sending all these people into my life. I'm sick of dealing with people who are only out for themselves. I'm going to start stabbing people. I am not built to deal with this much stupidity. Give me something to work with. Just do something other than what you're doing. Start a zombie apocalypse. I'm actually somewhat prepared to deal with zombies. Or even let aliens invade this shit hole of a planet. Obviously, plagues aren't working. Maybe we need a different way to end the world. Look, it's quite apparent that you don't know what you're doing either. If you did everything would be different. You need to step up your game. Put someone else in charge if you need to. I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But you're doing everything wrong at this point. You are failing miserably at all of this. You are also making us all miserable in the process. Give it up already. You obviously have no idea what you are doing. Why exactly did you place these people in my life? I'm starting to wonder if this is a cruel joke. You are a sadist or something. Why is any of this ok? Can't you help me out just a little? Give me some sort of break, please. I'm getting really tired of being this stressed all the time. I'm about to combust. I don't know how much more of this I can take. What is going on with you? Haven't you done enough to me in my lifetime? Is there some sort of lesson that I'm supposed to be learning? I'm over all of it. I am completely done with everything. I don't care anymore. This is me giving up entirely. I don't know what else you want from me. I don't know what else you could possibly do. You've already cost me my sanity. You've already cursed me with a plethora of mental illnesses. What else is there? None of this is making sense anymore. I am forfeiting; you win. Whatever sick game this is, you win. There couldn't possibly be anything else that you could do. I have nothing else to give. I have nothing else to lose. This is it for me. I've got absolutely nothing left. There is no more fight in me. I am ready to let it all fade to black. I just want some peace and quiet. I don't want to have to continue to try this hard. I am completely exhausted. I need a long break. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. Maybe it's time for you to retire. Let's make a deal, you retire and I'll take whatever is given to me. Or you could start a zombie apocalypse and end everything right now. This way we both win or neither of us wins.