Where is my drive to do better

Before I met him, I would say that I had a drive to do better, to be the best that I can be. To try and reach my goals. I would tell people if you don't like something, then change it. Otherwise, don't complain about it. I said that and I meant it. During covid, I took the time to focus on my health. And I lost over 50 pounds. I always wanted to be a writer. And I was able to both write a book, but self-publish it on Amazon. In my past, I have done so much to go towards my goal. I am not a perfect person. There have been many times in my life that I found myself stuck in where I was in life. Even when I was with him, in the beginning, I would listen to him talk about how he wanted to do all these things. So I would say to him, 'if you want to do it, then start it, otherwise stop complaining about it'. I feel like I had such drive, and now I'm not sure where it went. I want that drive back, that drive to push myself, that drive to do better. I feel like he beat it out of me. But that doesn't mean that I have to stay this way.

I want to be around people that have a drive, that have passion, that go after their goals. Part of my problem, is who I surround myself with. My family, none of them are going after their goals. None of them are trying to be better. Most of my family are just sitting around waiting to die, if I am being honest. Just me going to the gym every day to try and make myself better is a crazy thing to them. So it's hard for me to try to hit big goals, as I feel like it is a crazy thing. Like I am strange for some reason.

I need to move out, I need to have my own space. I am grateful for being able to live with my family, don't get me wrong. Some of my family is sick, and I am able to help in some way. However, I need to be able to have my own space of joy, and dreams, and passion. It's hard because where I am, the cost of living is high. With me being still in school, it is hard for me to be able to be on my own again. So I know that I should wait until I am done school. However, that is another year, and I just don't know if I can last for another year.

I am starting to shake off my sorrow, my pain and my grief. I can feel like I am starting to get out of it. In no way am I there yet, but I am improving. Really, that is all that I can ask for. To improve and get better, one step, one day at a time. Nothing happens overnight that I have to remember.

In no way am I ready to date. This might sound crazy, but I don't ever want to date again. I want to find success on my own, on my own two feet. However, it's nice to be seen, isn't it? I was walking to the gym the other day, and a guy pulled his car over to talk to me. He stopped his car, and ran to me so he could ask me out. I said I had a boyfriend. In fact, most of the time, I wear a ring on my engagement finger that I bought myself. However, it was nice to be wanted, it was nice to be seen.

-T