Confidence with myself through the sadness

Why am I still so sad? This break up should not be this upsetting for me. It's not like it's a big surprise. I have known for some time that us living together as a family would never be an option. The thing I wasn't sure about was how I was going to get out of this. He's not a person that sees reason, so trying to talk to him like an adult just doesn't happen. This is the way out that I was waiting for. I saw a video on TikTok of someone saying that the sadness is not because of the person, it's not because you made the wrong choice, but because you are grieving the dream. You are grieving the fairy tale and all the dreams you thought were possible with that person. I think that it is hitting me hard this time because of the level of disrespect. It's one thing for it to end, it's another thing for it to end like this. At the same time, I think about the fact that I have had a feeling that he was cheating for the entire time that we were together. So this is not a shocker to me in any way. It's just different when it's so clear and so disrespectful. I keep trying to shake myself out of it. I always had faith in myself before him, had faith that I was going to be okay and figure out my life. Part of my sadness, has been that he seems to have taken my confidence away. Taken my faith away. I want to find my confidence again. To take my faith back. I will be okay, and I will figure it out. Somehow I know that I will build a great, and better life without him.

What I need to do is to use this as motivation. Motivation to get stronger, motivation to get better. Motivation to build something great and amazing without him. Hoping that he sees me one day, and I can say look at me now. I might be broken now, but I know I won't stay that way. I will build, I will rebuild, I will be okay. I'm down, but not out. He is a terrible person, so he is down and will stay there. No matter what he says, he is a liar.

I know that I am better off without him. My life was never going to be filled with joy and happiness with him around. All of these things I know in my head, but my heart is still sad.

A part of the sadness is the loneliness of having no one to talk to. I don't have any friends. If he doesn't text me, then really no one does. At least he would say something to me. That is a sad statement to read back. Though that is my truth. I also feel like that is the truth of a lot of people out there. Staying in a relationship that they are lonely in, but being single is even more lonely. I know that making friends is a way to fix that problem. Having other people to talk to. I need to be open to people. No matter how scary that fact is.

My confidence needs to come from my belief in myself. For that, I need to build a life that I want, and build myself into the person I dream. I can't sit here and focus on my sadness for much longer. I keep telling myself tomorrow, that I will do it tomorrow. It needs to be now.

I need to focus on two things. Building an income from home, so I can have my dream house, and getting into the best health. For a little while I have been working out every day, but if I am being honest with myself, I am not pushing myself as hard. I need to go harder, and be more motivated. Though my main focus needs to be my eating. I can and should eat better. I'm not eating very healthy, especially in my depression. I know that the best thing for me is to eat healthy, that I will feel the best. I just can't seem to do it. And I need to build wealth for myself and my daughter. Finding a way to make an income from home on my own would be the best option for me. It seems overwhelming to think. And I have tried it many times in the past. Though, I have yet to find a way that works. But that doesn't mean that I give up. I need to believe that I can do it, and that I deserve to have that great life.

-T