The girl that is afraid of CHANGE

So, the other day your girl (that's me) got a new job... now this is a very big opportunity for me. I would be making triple what I make now and I could finally save up to become a little more independent than I am currently (I still live at home).

I should be really happy right? I could change my life around for the better and see where life takes me. I got the call from my recruiter the other day and I accepted the job but once I hung up the phone I started to cry. I swear, I was close to balling my eyes out...

Now, I normally never cry about things, never ever but this past year maybe year and a half has been different. I am so emotional, it is super weird. I am one of those people that used to never show emotion, I hated being vulnerable with people, I hated showing any other emotion besides happiness.

But once change or 'life' as some say rolls around, I have a hard time coping with it.

Let's start with my first day of high school, it was somewhere I've never been before, all new faces, and a whole new experience. On the inside I was freaking out, I am good ad adapting but the initial start of it all terrifies me. I hate it. It is an aching pit in my stomach that I really hate feeling. But anyways, lunch rolled around and I did not know anyone. So I went to the bathroom and sat in there, I did not know where else to go. Once my parent picked me up after school at 3:05, I just started balling. I told them, " I am never coming back here again, I hate it here, I have no friends, I don't want to come back here, why did you send me to a new school." This was being said with all the water works. I could not help myself. I hate feeling so vulnerable with people I do not know.

I don't know if it is because I am shy or I just don't feel comfortable with myself, I don't know what it is.

Change has always scared me but I am very good at adapting to it. I love meeting new people and having new experiences. I used to live for the butterflies in my stomach and not knowing everyone at a party.

But something happened this past year and a half or so, "change" but not necessarily good. I mean I guess it is good in a sense of growing as a person. "Change is always good." Maybe I need this past year to really focus on what was going on with me mentally and understand my self worth.

My last year of college was pretty tough, I went through a lot of mental pain. I don't know how else to describe it. Once I came home after graduation it was like everything slowed down and the universe (or God, whatever you prefer) was saying, "okay let's take a little breather..."

It was fine at first but then it started to take a toll on me. Maybe it is my fault or maybe it was just how things were supposed to be, I don't know I will probably never know...

BUT

After all of that I was getting really antsy. I really was itching for some change and I got it, it was sitting right in front of me. I was so unsure on how to react it think I just could not help myself so I started crying...

Now, when I say "I was itching for change," I mean I was looking for some thing really specific. I like having plans. Sorry scratch that, I LOVE having plans, I love making them and discussing them. I love having every detail laid out in front of me.

Here WAS my plan: getting a full time job but an unattached one so I could save up and then move to big city (out of my small ass hometown). Then once I got to that point make some new friends, maybe have some new roommates (also new to the city and as optimistic as much as I am). Just have a new experience but my way.

It is just how I have always been and I don't think that will change but who knows? I like knowing how everything is going to pan out.

So I think when I found out about this job, it was not what I was hoping for but it was exactly what I needed. But I started crying because I knew I had to stay home a little bit longer.

For all of you that are scared of change or scared of the thought of it. It all comes exactly when we need it. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and the best things come when we least expect it.