Never Change

I will never claim to be a life or relationship expert, nor will I ever claim that my way is better than anyone else. Each of us is walking our own path, dealing with our own tribulations. There is no one size fits all solution. I will say that I am an observant person that is always looking for the lessons in the moment. It took some time to get there but the person I am today is someone I am proud to be. I believe that in order to level up we must always be willing to learn. It wasn't always like that. Before my healing journey I had many bad ideas on how to deal with life. I had a totally different mindset. One that kept leading down a path of results that I didn't want. Let's talk about my mind before I woke up to reality.

When I embarked on my healing journey, I felt the need to completely reinvent everything. I dove into my limited TikTok education on "changing for the better" I was under the naive notion that in order to heal I had to let go of all things past, including the old me. Many would nod and agree. What I didn't realize back then was my thinking was black and white. All or nothing. It left little room for much else. Truth is, the world is an ever-changing shade of grey. All things are possible, and some can even happen at the same time as others. The world is not unilateral. It is perpendicular and there are many lines of existence.

The path I chose was a singular one. I ended up in a never-ending cycle of failure and couldn't figure out why. At first, I thought it was just my relationship and placed so much blame on my partner. Never looking at the bigger picture. I could always pinpoint when it all fell apart or what the issue was for me. Seldom did I even consider that perhaps there was way more to the issue than simply my own misfortunes. If I would have had a broader point of view or perhaps had more empathy for my partner, I could have seen that simple changes that would have solved so many issues. Instead, I placed all blame on one singular thing. Inevitably destroying the relationship more before it even had a chance to thrive. Never understanding that in overcoming our differences required going thru them. Not shutting down at every negative turn.

Next, I thought it was the world and I tried to do all I could to change it. I helped people regardless of if they could help me. I gave wanting nothing in return. I praised and rewarded and gave to the less fortunate. All the while forgetting that the most precious thing I needed to give to was myself and my children. Hyper focused on being a good person in the eyes of society instead of the people that really matter to me. Have you ever tried to change the world? It is a very humbling thing that I give immense credit to the people that accept those jobs or positions. I gave my all in every direction I could that was deemed good or wholesome and I still felt like I failed. I would give up or get frustrated or fall back into old patterns. Never understanding why, I couldn't stay the course. Feeling like I was doomed to forever feel less than. To never figure out how to be worth something in this doomed world.

I remember lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Eyes swollen from crying. Screaming into a pillow, wondering when it would be my turn for things to go in my favor. Wanting to give up but knowing that because of my children I never would. Feeling stuck in an endless torture from one day to the next. Wallowing in self-doubt and self-pity. asking myself why over and over. Wondering how much lower I needed to fall before there was nothing left to lose. Wishing for some form of God or Entity to please show me a path and free me from my own mind.

Suddenly, it was like a wave washed over me. Soothing in its dark allure of realization, I've hit rock bottom.

I had fought myself for so long on this fact. Always thinking to myself but I have a home and food and I don't struggle. I don't even remember where I heard it. I do remember that it stuck and at this moment of despair it was a freeing revelation. A moment of morphine on a broken leg. Peace in the middle of chaos. Silence during storm. It was beautiful and it was about to change my entire life. What if my rock bottom, doesn't look like everyone else? What if my rock bottom is crying myself to sleep every night? What if my rock bottom is not being able to afford the trip to the movies, I want to take my kid to? What if rock bottom is having five dogs instead of one? It makes no sense to you but to me it was freedom. I finally felt like rock bottom didn't have to be when you lose everything. Maybe rock bottom is simply not accepting any less, which also means you have nothing to lose. Everyday had become a battle for me. Everything in my life had become a question. My relationship at the top of that pile. How could two people that loved each other so much, hate each other that much also? We had tried everything. Therapy, workbooks, drugs, sex, friends, help, that might sound absurd but it's actually honest. Two drowning people trying to save the other is what I always saw us as in my head. Both of us unique to a point of blatantly different. Holding on to the last shreds of our sanity in our refusal to let go of the other. Despair lurking at every corner and turn in life. Some how we always found hope.

Hope is a magical thing. It can be the smallest of light, but wow does it impact your spirit. I started to look for that hope. I started taking the things I was learning in therapy and approaching them one tiny step at a time. Utilizing the coping skills, I was learning thru DBT therapy. I started to stay in the moment and practice mindfulness. I learned to not dismiss my memories and feelings. I allowed them to flow through me. I would acknowledge their presence while giving myself permission to feel and then let go of them. I wasn't reliving the past I was respecting the feelings and allowing my body to release the trauma. I started to understand that I was never supposed to change but I was supposed to evolve and adapt. I wasnt supposed to take all that I am and throw it in the nearest dumpster. I was supposed to make small changes that would allow me to be myself. Human and full of error. An ever flow of energy that directed on the correct path could change the world. Most of all, it would change my world.

I no longer felt like a failure because I took failing off the table and out of the library. Now, in our home, we try again. We figure out what doesn't work in order to lead us to what does. Now we sit with our feelings and try and understand what they are trying to teach us. Today, we make small adjustments. I am perfecting the amazing person that I already am. I am evolving into a higher form of something that is already really awesome. I am sharpening my wit and bettering my life tools. I am never failing. I am always learning. Every day is a win if you have the right mindset. Your already everything you need to be! You just have to see how perfect that already is. Once you're able to see that, the game of leveling up becomes achievable.

So keep pushing and keep learning. When things dont go the way you had hoped, take note of all the ways it went right and all the ways you learned wont work. Have gratitude for the small victories. Appreciate the joy of waking up every day. Smile at your mistakes. Most of all, never stop adapting to what would bring you the most joy. We can all achieve our dreams if we learn to let go of what holds us back the most. Our own minds! Change may be out of reach but adapting never is.