Love Yourself

They say, "LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE OTHERS." But in my case, I always give love to those around me, so I have neglected myself. But now that I have already fully understood this phrase, I have come to think if I was really giving love or just giving empty-handed affection in hopes that they'd give me the love that I have always desired.

Have you also felt it? That feeling of wanting to do something amazing to be recognized, to get attention, and to be applauded by others? If you ask me, I'd say "yes." How quickly the days pass; I used to be ashamed to admit that I am an attention seeker, but now?I am proud to be free and unconcerned about that matter.

There are many events in my life that made me doubt myself and led to an unawareness of self-hatred. At a very young age, my parents separated, but since I was just a kid at that time, I really couldn't understand everything, and so I continued living like nothing had happened. I became unaware of the changes around me. All I ever thought about was myself, and I continued to think that the bruises on my knees were still the most painful thing that had happened to me---not the tears of my mother, nor the pain of my father.

As days go by, I slowly understand that life isn't just about playing, laughing, and crying out of knee bruises. I slowly understood what was happening and why my dad was not sleeping with us anymore for a year now. I slowly understood every tear that I saw from my mother's eyes that one chilly night. I slowly understood that pain in my father's eyes every time I made eye contact with him. I have slowly understood that tired voice of my older brother since that night when the news of my parents' separation burst. I was so devastated when I fully understood everything. That hope of reuniting with my family after a long "vacation" with my mother has been shattered into pieces. Because that long "vacation" was not just a vacation but a sign that one family would never-ever be one again.

Since that day that I fully understand everything, I don't know how I have managed to continue living, but I did, but I became unaware that I had been doing things to please people around me. I always hate it when people around me are quiet. It makes me think that they are in a fight or something that could end up in a relationship between two people, so I'd always find a way for the situation to be what I expected it to be. I always wanted to see them laugh or smile, and that is when I started to dream of becoming a superhero or making things that could make the people around me smile and be proud, because I have always believed that a simple smile could save any relationship. I am always sensitive to others' feelings, so I would do what they had expected me to do to avoid a single tear streaming down from their eyes, because I also believed that tears are an expression of pain.

While doing such things, I neglected to look after myself, but at that time, I wasn't able to realize that. Now that I look at it, you could say that I am traumatized by what happened in the past that continued to plague my sleeping hours.

Do you know what my favorite time in my life was? That is when I started to fall in love with the moon, the night breeze, and the darkness.

That time when I was in the middle of the forest looking at how the moon would follow me was giving me a good feeling. I know that there is a scientific explanation for that, but I was so happy seeing a beautiful creation follow my paths.

That time when the night breeze and the darkness would embrace me in the middle of crying, like it was comforting me, was the best feeling, because it makes me feel that someone understands me and it makes me feel that I can show what I really feel at the moment and no one will judge me, but will give me a warm smile and a hug.

Loving oneself Is a must.