Let your smile change the world

Have you ever smiled so brightly about something exciting to have someone beside you dim that smile? I have, many times in my life. I would be excited about something, but had no one to share that with. I think the the one that sticks out most of me was an "Art Recovery" showcase in 2015 getting the opportunity to be interviewed on YouTube about my mental health art piece.

I remember it so well, my legs were shaking, I felt so sweaty, my brain racing on what I could say to sound intelligent about art and mental health, and my partner at the time was standing in a corner with a scowl on his face. Angry looking that he even had to come to this event. Jealousy maybe? I wanted him to be excited for me, I wanted him to enjoy my art and accomplishment with me. Instead, I handed him $20 and told him to go get himself something to eat, even though they were providing us a lunch after everyone saw the beautiful art that we all created at the Ontario Shores Center for Mental Health Sciences.

It started with a guest speaker, who showed us a painting he did after he had a stroke and had to learn motor skills all over again. His painting was of his grandson at a young age and I remember thinking to myself "Wow I wish I could paint like him". My partner stood beside me looking bored and completely annoyed that I wanted to be engaged with this and my art. I already knew before going to the opening of this event that they wanted to interview me. When I got there I explained I was nervous and asked so many questions on what they wanted me to say, it was so simple, speak of what inspired my piece and what art does for me. I didn't know yet was that my piece would be placed in such a way that it was the in the middle of the room, the first thing you would see when you walked in. It was hung under the most amazing lighting and was in my opinion was placed as one of the first pieces you would see walking it. "Bright and beautiful" I thought to myself. Yet, there he stood in his doom and gloom.

I walked around the gallery room, looking at all the art from in-patient and myself I was an out-patient. All the art seemed to be the same, taught in a class, as a way to ease the overthinking racing thoughts. I sat in the middle of the room before the interview. Staring at my painting. It was my side profile vomiting out rainbows, it had a colourful background, my arm reaching out while medications poured down onto my hands from 3D used medication bottles that I removed my name from 5 at the time, and of course my favourite thing to do on all my art pieces, a quote of how I felt. "she was never crazy. she just didn't let her heart settle in a cage. she was born wild, and sometimes we need people like her. for its the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours. and she was always willing to burn for everything she has ever loved" R.M Drake.

I sat there watching people walk by and talk about my art, how amazing it was. The emotions that must have gone into it. Wondering who had created it. I stayed quiet. I wanted to hear the critique on my art, I wanted to feel validated and appreciated for what I did for my recovery piece, plus I was left there by myself to soak in all the different words of strangers walking by. Soon after I went into the hall to see when I was going to be interviewed, I was also getting anxious that I was taking to long for my partner, he had my car and was also text asking me when it would all be over. He knew, it was from 11-2 pm, he just wanted to go home while I wanted to soak in all the greatness of my very first Gallery Art show.

They were ready for me. I started to sweat even more, god, what could I say about my art. It was me bleeding out onto a canvas. Two men came over, one with a video camera and one to ask me questions. They asked me a series of questions and while shaking even in my voice, I answered as best I could stumbling over my words, trying to get out the best replies and most intelligent ones I could think of while sticking to the facts of how I felt about my art. I watch and show this video even to people in my life now, why because I've changed so much since then, but the message is still worth listening to. They both thanked me for my time and said I could find it on YouTube under the "Art Recovery" title on the Ontario Shores for Mental Health Sciences channel on YouTube. I thanked them for allowing me to be apart of there interviews. I thought there would be other patients interviewed for this segment but I was wrong. Later, when I finally got to watch the video, I was the only guest speaker other than the coordinator of the event.

When I watch this video, which I have just after finishing that last paragraph and adding it to the photo caption so even you may watch if you like. I see a completely different person. In those 5 years, I have found more confidence in myself and my art. I have had my own Gallery show with only my art as artist that is HUGE. I also sell my art online or concepts that others bring to me. I am very much still a mental health based artist, my paintings, my writings and everything else between is always about showing people that living with mental health is not a death sentence but a beautiful way of seeing emotions that some will never understand or see for themselves. I am no longer with the partner who dimmed my smile that day, and have found more worth in myself. To be completely honest, art has been there for me during my dark times, and also within the light. My children now love painting and are even more creative than I am, and for that I am blessed. I was so nervous back then on what negative responses I would get with my content and now, I just put out honesty whether that is positive or negative because that is how life is, we roll with the negatives until we turn them into positives.

Smile, breathe, and let the negatives go.