I only allow that which is good into my life...
This is true for me...now. It took me a long time to get to a point in which I can say, I only allow what is good into my life. I spent a long time allowing things that were not good for me into my life. So long in fact, that I did not know how to filter the bad out. Or that I even could filter out the bad. I had no clue that I could choose what came into my life.
When the knowledge finally clicked that I could choose to not be miserable, I also realized just how much of my misery was my own fault, for choosing it. It, of course, wasn't on purpose, but it all came down to the fact that life is literally a series of choices, choice moments, and even the small decision you make affects your life outcome.
It came down to the fact that I was choosing to let certain negative people and things be a part of my life. I felt powerless against them but really, all I had to do was make the difficult choice.
Here are the facts my friends:
No one can depress you.
This brings me back to days being spent in my bed, and nights crying myself to sleep. My ex-narcissist of a lover would leave me on unread for days, and would sometimes take weeks to call me back. In the beginning it was one or two weeks at a time, and progressed through 3 years a month or two at a time near the end.
I knew what he was doing. He was either high in his room at his parents house, asleep from too much suboxone (legally prescribed - because he was supposedly 'getting better' - even though he was and probably still is selling his strips so he can buy Xanax, weed, cocaine and whatever else he can get his hands on), or he was high in his room with whichever chick was bringing him his next dose of whatever it was she has available to her. Most likely with their clothes off in his bed together.
I wasn't stupid. I knew what he was doing. And for 3 years I allowed it to happen. I allowed him to depress me. I kept choosing him. When all I had to do was tell him to go fuck himself, I continued to cry and be depressed and bedridden over this almost-40-year-old loser who didn't even deserve my time in the first place.
Love wasn't a good enough excuse, especially since it wasn't even real love. It was a fear of being alone. A fear of not being able to find something better. A fear of When I learned I had toxic bond syndrome, I knew what I needed to do, but it still took me a year to ween myself off the toxic poison that had me hooked like a drug.
No one can make you anxious.
This brings me back to days, trapped in the same house with the same man I longed for when he was gone. If he got his hands on meth, it was usually 3 days of hell. In my house, at his house. I felt obligated to protect his family when he was there, because of all the things he never hit me. Never once did he lay his hands on me, no matter how fucked up he was. So when I knew he had taken the hard shit, I left my daughter in the care of my mom or his sister and kept watch over him.
His mom and sister had told me stories of him snapping, and attacking his father, and his sister's lover. I loved his family so much, and I still do to this day. Although I have to choose to keep them out of my life for my own rehabilitation, I love them and think about his family every day, and pray they are okay.
But I had to choose to never again go through 3 days and nights of no sleep, worried for my own safety, his safety, and everyone else. I had to choose to let go of that level of anxiety and stress. It wasn't my responsibility if I didn't make it my responsibility.
No one can hurt your feelings.
This takes me back to my first husband in Australia, who told me that our marriage was over if I did not lose weight. Telling me that he was ashamed of me, and wasn't turned on by me because I was disgusting.
I'm sorry but this is going to hurt anyone's feelings. Especially coming from someone they had spent the last 8 years with.
But after enough times of hearing this, I chose to go home, to stay home, and to let him have his freedom. If I was that disgusting to him, then he didn't have to look at me. It broke me. For a long time, I was broken and made many bad decisions due to the broken nature of my heart. I made choices I didn't have to make. I didn't have to let my trauma win. But I did. I didn't realize I had let it win. I didn't realize what I was doing.
A lot of us with large chips on our shoulders don't realize what we are doing. He hurt my soul, and I didn't deserve it. But after he hurt my soul, I hurt myself by allowing shitty people into my life repeatedly. I chose to believe that I wasn't worth loving, and so therefore, I never allowed a good person to love me. I chose shitty people, and shitty situations.
No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside.
I can blame daddy issues, I can blame crappy people, and I can say none of what happened to me is my fault. I didn't deserve anything that happened to me in my life. It wasn't my fault that my dad's a shitty person. It's not my fault my first husband was a shitty person. And it's not my fault that the other people I allowed in my life were shitty people.
But it was certainly my fault I allowed them in my life. I allowed someone to break a vital part of me. I knew I wasn't disgusting. I knew I wasn't fat. I knew that no one should be ashamed to be seen with me.
I was curvy, but I wasn't horrible. I have an endocrine imbalance. So I will never, ever be a thin, fit-looking person. I have had children, and I have lost 200 pounds since then. I am proud of who I am. And I never should have hated myself. I knew it would just take time and determination to lose weight. And I was determined to be healthy and have kids.
Quite frankly, I knew I wasn't 'disgusting' or 'embarrassing.' At that time I had men always hitting on me. But the one man I wanted to think I was beautiful told me the exact opposite. And instead of saying: "Wow. You're a shitty person. You're my husband, and you say that you love me. If you loved me you wouldn't say shit like that," I just cried, and turned to the mirror, and hated everything about myself.
I chose to let him hurt me. Granted it would be hard for even the most mentally healthy person to resist the hurt of the person they had spent almost a decade being with saying the things he did, but I allowed it to break me. And then I continued to allow the ugly into my life.
When I realized this, I hated myself even more.
All this time I could have been feeling just fine if I were more emotionally intelligent. And it took a long time to forgive myself.
It was along that journey, that I found out a lot of my pain is self-loathing. I can't change who I am. And I have a hard time accepting who I am. But after hard work, I have come to the root of the problem, and I actively practice self-love.
It's only been recently I've found more channels to tap into the person I truly am. I don't even know why I tried to kill who I am, to try and change.
I'm pretty amazing, just the way I am. And it's only been the last few years that I've come to realize this.
So... here's my point.
You are also just perfect the way you are. And you can choose to not let any other person hurt you. I'm not saying the decision itself isn't going to hurt. If you're being hurt by someone - and allowing them to hurt you, that probably means you love them in some way.
That's fine. You are allowed to love them.
But you have to choose you. You have to choose to not be hurt by people. You have to not allow anything into your life except what is good. Because once you start only allowing the good in your life, life suddenly becomes way better.
You are in control of your life. Whether it's good, bad, or in-between. The choice is yours. You just have to allow that which is good into your life. It takes a lot of work, and you have to build good habits. But eventually, You will be able to make better choices and have a much happier life.
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Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Heartfelt and relatable
The story invoked strong personal emotions