I Have Five Expense Streams

I Have Five Income Streams : Diversifying your income isn’t as hard as you think. Here’s how I earn extra cash on the side

Want to induce a panic attack? For half of Americans, it’s as easy as checking our bank account. Most of us lie awake at night paralyzed by our money woes, worried how we’ll eat, pay our rent and healthcare insurance if we’re lucky to afford it. For the other half, it’s as easy as waking up each day, looking at the person lying next to us, hearing the dog barking and the kids screaming, and thinking, is this really all there is? Is this my life from now until I die. And although all the economic reports tout sky-high incomes, for most of us, we’re only $400 away from hardship. Our debt is our warden. Our desire to live beyond our means is our prison. And yet, for some of us the county lock up isn’t enough. We want more. We want federal penitentiary style debt. Leavenworth style money woes.

Our financial fragility is real, and by following my advice you can finally push you and your family to and then past the breaking point.

If you fist-pump your biweekly paycheck, eat me. We’re a recession away from layoffs. Corporations remind you that you’re part of a family until they have books to balance. Then, just like your real family, they kick you right on the street, saying, you’re 18 years old now, get a job, we can’t cover for your slacking, lazy ass anymore. All those trust falls, retreats, and branded swag give way to “restructuring” and “realignment,” which is a nice way of saying you’re fucked. Royally.

Watch how quickly the indispensable becomes disposable. So now is the time to take your revenge, on your job, your family, every mother fucker who ever doubted you. They say you’re a fuck up with no future. You’ll show them what a real fuckup looks like, and this fuck up will have a future, but it’s gonna be a post apocalyptic hellscape of credit cards on fire, empty bank accounts, and dead bodies. Maybe not that last one but you get my point I hope.

If you’re a successful freelancer with strong flow, don’t rest on your referral laurels, and you can probably lay off the Vesicare. Clients could vanish as fast as you can say where’s my last payment? But not as quickly as your piece of shit so called “friend” Tony disappeared with your wife.

So whether you’re savoring the sweet joys of consistent income from your monthly disability check or content with the healthy referrals hitting your inbox, there’s a simple way to get that revenge you have always craved by laying the groundwork for a money catastrophe.

Let me whisper three magical words: diversified spending streams.

Establishing multiple spending streams doesn’t need to be daunting — it just needs to be strategic.

Now, this isn’t about juggling a few random credit cards. Rather, it’s about dividing a pie, examining the spending that you already do and finding ways to parse it out and create stand-alone streams.

Right now, I’ve got five spending streams going.

Drugs: This is the bulk of my spending and where I really drop some serious dime. As an addict, I use three distinct products: coke, meth, and crack. My average engagement is $12K/month. Most recently, I scored a kilo of columbian white for $50K.

Alimony and child support: I have multiple ex wives and kids I still don’t even know about. I also have unprotected sex on a regular basis so no doubt this spending stream will be increasing. This year alone, I’ve paid out close to $15,000 in alimony and child support Side note: There are a plethora of articles about avoiding child support payments — I don’t intend to write one of them. My genes, my greens.

Court costs and attorney fees: For a long time, I have been in and out of both civil and criminal court for various (mostly bullshit) reasons. Every single time I end up in court I got to shell out a boatload of cash for an attorney and no matter the decision I walk out owing Mr. State Government another shit ton on top of that. So far this year I have spent close to $7000, 98% of which I have on installment plans with 35%+ interest and other financing charges (see below for more on that spending stream).

Lottery tickets and gambling (horses mostly, college football, and women’s tennis:) For the past two years, I’ve dipped my proverbial toe in the 1:1 gambling model. For every dollar I spent on some wholesome activity like food I’ve committed to drop a matching dollar on the state mega millions or powerball lottery or down at the track. Occasionally I throw done a couple k on college football or women’s tennis but the horses will always be my true passion. My minimum bets are $3,000.

Interest, financing of debt etc.: I’m surgical about not paying for anything in full up front. Instead I finance everything with high interest loans or credit cards. In a typical month I spend $1500 in interest charges on debt.

So whether you want to have some semblance of financial stability remaining or you want to completely crash and burn taking your family and friends with you, consider all the ways you can package and repackage yourself because we’re all brilliant at something. Always remember, you’ll show them. You’ll show them all.

Author's postscript: Hopefully it goes without saying that this is a satirical work of fiction. Do NOT under any circumstances follow the advice contained here. And no, it is not about me. Gheesh.