How I won my depression through online games

Before I would dig right into the depression part of my story, I would like to let you visualize how I made myself into online gaming and then the following details.

*If you wish to skip the entire story you can go directly to the last 4 paragraphs to have the thoughts answered directly*

It started in 2010 when I hooked up to playing online games as my past time activity, it was a first-person-online-game that I tried to be into the game wanting to be in that competitive mode and then incorporated with another kind of game so that I could switch from first-person genre to strategic game, namely as Defense of the Ancients I have known as DOTA 1. It was on and off playing those games.

So, fast forward to 2015. The game I kept playing up until now makes me claim that I am an official online gamer is a game DOTA 2, and I even post my services on Fiverr.com where I can play with people who wish to be supported by a proper support player in their lane.

Growing up, I have seen how my Mama has been into domestic violence by my Papa. What I didn't know is that trauma could potentially be triggering anytime whenever I feel drained and exhausted mentally from the same root cause of trauma, which means that if my Papa still does what he did years back but in a different scenario yet the same person who is causing the pain and traumatizing experience, although I already aged, it is just one snap away to relive and restore bad memories.

When I had my past relationships, it is as expected that the outcome of my parent's marital status could potentially be another duplication of the romantic relationship/s that I will be having with my exes. It turns out almost but not the reiteration of the entire story. Physical abuse was a red flag for me and many other characteristics that might lead to my Papa's traits. Actually, the total opposite of dad-daughter stories I usually see on Instagram and many other social media platforms where daughters will be called princesses by their dads. I never had that </3 My papa is a good companion to his friends but not a dad to his children and not a husband to his wife.

To weigh the good deeds he did with what chaos he gave to his family; I tried to explain my part that I am his daughter and that I needed to be respected for why he must not welcome his mistress in my Mama's heirloom-humble and simple small space of land given by my Mama's Papa which is my grandfather - defending his thoughts that it was his own money who made built the house bypassing the fact that, it will not be built if not because of my Mama's influence and piece of that humble land. Respect was all we ever wanted.

There were a lot of things that happened way back, from preschool to grade school and then in high school, all throughout up until my college days when I ended up hanging out with friends and asking for people's approval as if my own thoughts do not matter at all but still I managed to make myself join into a city-level-pageant wherein I fought and tried to feel as if nothing happened but all of a sudden when lights were out, there's no more crowd and I am all alone. It was my greatest fear to be alone because it was really scary back then when I start to reflect. It felt too heavy and noisy in my head and in my heart.

The moment I have my son, I was too burdened by the dilemmas in my past. A single mother, hungering to experience a complete family, never obtained anything in life yet way back in the years 2013-2015. All of my burdens, pain, and doubt, I give away to the online gaming community. There were times even I, can attest to myself that I've had my inner demons within me. I have experienced borderline post-partum depression, there were ugly thoughts in my head that I needed to detoxify myself considering I am with my son back then and it was just physically both of us with each other. The online gaming life and experience from 2015 up until the present times kept on evolving for me. It gave me the chance to mingle with people although I haven't known them, yet we speak the same language which is the game itself, and the objective of doing the gamer's perspective in random pub games.

In a part where my son and I shared our time in the online gaming community, as much as I have done already my mom's duties and that all is well already - there is something we look forward to every after our normal days. Both of us were extremely excited to play a game, taking turns from a single PC that we owned back then.

I detected earlier the downside of 'kid-to-gadget effects' I have foreseen it way before it became trending in any articles ever posted. So to counter all the worries I created in my thoughts that might be potentially harmful to my son in the future is that, we needed to go outside and keep a healthy socialization. I always keep in mind to make a reason why we need to go out and to create an encouraging reason why must we go out and spend some time, even just by parks or go for a walk to maybe buy something outside and give breaks in between games and also incorporate board games in between because these ages were the developing stages of my son's learning capabilities. I know I am being challenged by past experiences but that doesn't mean I have to be vulnerable in everything because what my son sees matters most and not what I told him.

By the time Covid-19 hits globally, we weren't too shocked by the lifestyle we had although the lockdowns can pretty much cause anxiety at some point but not as much as what I have encountered and gotten out from my recent experience during these times. During covid, I have gained friends already online so I can easily monitor the time frame from my friend's schedules to my own schedule.

Another fast-forward to 2023, I can't barely imagine how I actually did it but I did, I have survived the most lonely and depressing days of my life, and in addition to that - sometimes when I am not in the mood to play games, I usually surf over the internet and in YouTube to look for life's purpose and of course, my one call away Mama although she worked in abroad, I always called her in my happy times and in my sad times. She even supported me all throughout the decisions I have made to be engaged with anything, such as garnering a double bronze award from the last associate course I graduated from which is culinary arts, and now that I am currently taking up a degree course in business majoring in marketing management - she's all with me all throughout the journey.

Instead of wasting away the capabilities I always thought I have, I used them to my advantage to learn more. The hate, pain, doubts, and fears were my fuel to be right where I am right now. I may still be too far from the success I wish I would want to achieve yet I have gotten way ahead from I was. All I did was entertain and strengthen myself at the worst times of my life. Always feel and know that there is tomorrow, and that tomorrow will not be the same situation as what you thought was hard to get out from.

The secret on how I got out of depression?

1. Faith that I have a creator and that I needed to be grateful for everything,
2. I gave value to myself and learn to say 'NO' in times when I needed it.
3. never be ever ashamed to ask for family or friends or maybe a stranger's opinion or help. Just ask once, you can always refrain the next time you feel like the other people don't feel like wanting to be connected to you and there is always room for a first time especially if they themselves offered it in the first place. and lastly,
4. In every triggering moment that might arise when you feel down, pitied, sad, or whatever it is that causes you to pile up the reason for depression "Try to redirect what you are doing and always make yourself busy at all times in a healthy way. In a present consciousness with a busy mentality to look for a brighter side of every thought you can ever imagine." I know you can do that because I did. You are brave as well and I believe in you :)