Daydreams vs Grey Realities

On top of the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD a month ago, breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday and it hasn’t even been a full twenty-four hours, I just got fired today from a new job I got. I had my first two training-emphasis on “training”- days just last week, one on Thursday and again on Saturday. It is now Monday.

Oh! And we cannot forget about the stress that comes with school which is taking a heavy toll on my mental health and part of the reason why I broke things off with my boyfriend.

I just want a break from the unhappy bullshit that I’m constantly experiencing. When does it all stop? Never, it never stops because that’s what it means to become an adult. This is what it means to grow older by each day. The sparkling daydreams stop and the dull grey days begin.

I am someone who has been living in the grey life from the age of twelve. I guess you can say that’s when everything went mentally downhill for me. I had been stripped from the only home I knew and been bouncing from one place to another for a few years along with my mother. I don’t specifically know what it did to me, but it did do something. I can only imagine what my mother had to go through as well.

We went from one family member’s house to another, none felt familiar to the one I onced lived in until we landed somewhere temporary. It’s been two-no, three years now? And even though I would prefer to live here rather than another person’s home, it still doesn’t have that warm feeling. I want to move out but I have school and I WAS working to help me reach that goal, but unfortunately I was terminated today. I still remember the time when I got the email, it was 1:14pm and I was about to take a bite from the strawberry jam sandwich I had just finished making. I was still in the kitchen.

The word “Termination” was displayed in bold letters. I nearly cried, no, I did cry. I ran as quickly as possible to my room to allow the rest of the waterworks flow down my cheeks. My entire body shook violently when I realised it was legitimate. I no longer worked anywhere. It was my first job, I had gotten myself without anyone’s help, in months. I was hoping it was a joke. I’ve never been fired before. And I was so happy to be working there as well. My first job wasn’t the greatest.

I feel lost and hopeless. Anything I try to do to prove my pessimistic subconscious wrong, ends up biting me in the ass and it wins every time.

It’s like I’m having a constant battle with myself daily. When will it come to a halt? I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I don’t want to give up because if I do then I ruin my life (I’m not talking about suicicde by the way), but I can’t keep fighting. I’ve been fighting this battle for over five years now. I feel like I can’t do it anymore.

I feel like crying some more but I think I dried myself out. All I got now is swollen hurting eyes. I want to close them so I can sleep but I can’t even do that. I have school work to do.

As much as I want to ignore my problems and just sleep, I will keep pushing for my success. I will keep fighting because I refuse to forfeit. I need to continue for me and then hopefully… just fucking hopefully I will get to experience my sparkling daydream once again.